Does anyone else thing most posters here disproportionately tell women to leave their partners as a default answer?

[Kemputer]

Does anyone else thing most posters here disproportionately tell women who post a thread here to leave their partners as a default answer?

Yes for some that is the obvious response e.g if a woman was being hit by her partner or cheated on etc. But for others, I’m surprised no one takes the couples therapy type approach suggestions of seeing two sides (I know there is bias as it’s only written from 1 side) and working through issues As it’s almost resigning some men as unchangeable and defective for a relationship I guess?

Please no hate - just an observation

of course there are women who divorce on a whim. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about women who are deeply unhappy, coming onto MN and telling stories that frankly are often chilling and disturbing and then being told to LTB.

I've seen women on here who've had affairs coming on and being completely roasted for their behaviour.

Whether women are nasty isn’t the point is it? That’s what it looks like from the outside.

The publicly stated reasons for leaving someone are nearly always very different to the actual reason. Nobody wants to admit to being abusive, or have been abused.

You can usually decipher if it’s rubbish but very few people speak what the real reason is for divorce. Women don’t admit it and men deny it.

The only reliable guide is what happens on the split. Then you have a good idea what’s true. I wouldn’t think much of the man who claims to have been a great dad and sees his kid EOW, for example.

@PlanDeRaccordement a bitch is a female dog - says a lot about your mentality and attitude towards women that you call them animals.

I've met plenty of misogynists in my time - strange the way all of them without exception, know no other women other than: 'sluts', 'slags' 'cunts' and 'bitches'.

That wasn't the way you phrased it initially tho, longstockingjayne - if I recall correctly, you explained that lying was always a dealbreaker to you, and that you had discovered your bloke had lied to you.. A lot of people just read the initial post and react to it.

Huh,
Well I personally think that my examples were all example of a woman leaving on a whim because in all cases, the woman filed for divorce

• the one cheating on her DH behind his back...she filed for divorce
• the one who had sucked her DH dry of money and credit...she filed for divorce

-the one who kicked her DH out while grieving his brothers suicide...she filed for divorce.

It was on a whim to them because the husband had done no wrong.

If my boyfriend was keeping in monthly contact with his one that got away and hiding it from me.

I would be reassessing my relationship.

I know my partner was dumped by his previous long term girlfriend. And I would have walked away if I discovered he was in touch with her on a regular basis and still had emotional attachments from her having left him.

To me personally it shows he’s not over her.

Also I don’t like being lied to. If he feels he needs to lie, he knows there will be a negative impact on our relationship. And that’s because his behaviour isn’t innocent.

@12345kbm

So is Jess Phillips a misogynist then? She’s a feminist MP who has called herself a bitch.

Stop clutching your pearls. I’m a woman and I can call a bitch a bitch if I want to. Doesn’t make me a misogynist any more than you calling men bastards makes you a misandrist.

Bizarre definition of whim.

Oh I didn’t like it at all and have reassessed...it’s just not a straight LTB scenario. That was my only point.

@PlanDeRaccordement ODFOD

I agree with you OP and I think a lot of posters are in denial about the "Mumsnet way" of always suggesting LTB when it isn't always necessary. As you have seen, a lot disagree with you. Sadly the site is very biased and those women who have had awful situations with their own ex's assume its the same with all men. Its not useful advice to tell every woman to leave her husband for every minor inconvenience when honest communications could help.

We're talking about women who are deeply unhappy, coming onto MN and telling stories that frankly are often chilling and disturbing and then being told to LTB.

A man forgetting to put his plate in the dishwasher is not chilling and disturbing. A man disagreeing with the OP on their holiday destination is not chilling and disturbing. And most commonly, a man (with no history of cheating) having a purely friendly and innocent social relationship with his female colleague is not chilling and disturbing. All examples that have happened on Mumsnet where posters overreacted and suggested leaving him.

1.A lot of posters come to MN with the "straw that breaks the camel's back" which seems on the face of it a minor incident, but when they get into a dialogue with other posters they disclose further information that makes it clear they are in an abusive relationship or their partner is clearly cheating. They are sometimes criticised for "drip feeding" which can be unfair as it takes time to realise the full facts of the situation.

1. Some (not all) posters are so highly sensitised to bad behaviour by men that they jump the gun and scream LTB without weighing up the collateral damage from

"LTB"

1. And 2. can both happen for different threads posted. The trouble is that all sorts of emotionally damaged people post here. It is never a good idea to make decisions based only on what anonymous internet voices tell you.

Does anyone?

keeping in touch once a month to see how each are getting on...not so much. I disagree.

1 unless you have dc with your ex there’s rarely a good/innocent reason to stay in touch so regularly if at all.

2 if such behaviour is compounded with lying about said contact I’d also consider that more than enough grounds to consider whether it’s worth continuing the relationship. At the very least they’re clearly still hung up on the ex and at worst they are actually cheating (and I include emotional affair in that)

@PlandeRaccordement NOBODY said those women weren’t at fault for their relationships breaking down, the argument was women leaving “on a whim” which they didn’t!

How quickly after separating did they file for divorce?

Of course women are capable of treating their husbands/partners badly - doesn’t mean they’re wrong to end the relationship!

@LexMitior is also correct - people aren’t always open about the reason for a split, especially if they are the one at fault. I split with my ex because he cheated, he tried to tell people we had “just grown apart” despite the ow being pregnant! Having become so while we were still very much together, he was honestly trying to convince people she was only 4 months gone when she was nearly 7 months!

@GreyExpectations - again have you actual links to threads where women were genuinely, seriously advised to Ltb for the trivial annoyances you claim? Because I’ve been on mn a few years now and I’ve never seen one like that.

I’ve seen the threads posters like you CLAIM it to be the case when actually only the op was “didn’t put dish in dishwasher” and as the op posted more it’s actually been apparent that was a “last straw” deal and actually the man was constantly lazy and disrespectful

“Minor” incidents when repeated/constant create a picture of a relationship, a persons true feeling for another.

The good relationships I know of the parties constantly do nice/kind little things for each other and apologise for small acts of thoughtlessness too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902704-I-saw-him-in-bed-with-someone-else

First half-dozen posts.

Isn't that because the posters misunderstood the initial post and thought the guy had cheated, when in fact it was more Ross Geller?

Yes I do , but I don’t think they are always wrong to suggest Ltb I often just think I bet they wouldn’t be so quick to follow that advice if it was them. That doesn’t make it right - I think women put up with far to much ( and I include myself in that with both my previous exes !!) I just think it’s often a lot more difficult that simply leaving

Isn't that because the posters misunderstood the initial post and thought the guy had cheated, when in fact it was more Ross Geller?

Yes. Why do you think they did that?

There's absolutely nothing in the OP that gives that impression. It describes quite clearly how he slept with someone while they were broken up.

No it is too common. I think its projecting, ironically an abusive behaviour by MN posting standards...

I find that there is a minority of posters that also frankly hate men. At the risk of being flamed, feminism is about equality, not female superiority. The increase in male abuse victims in recent years is alarming.

Yes I think there is far too much LTB. Many women are absolutely horrific in relationships and we only get to see their side of the story when they post.

Also Mumsnet doesnt seem to grasp the difference between abusive behaviour and an abuser. I've lived with an abuser which was his long term campaign to isolate and minimise me. On the other hand you can show abusive behaviours in times of stress while not being an abuser and both men and women do it.

A woman may come on here and say my DP called me a cunt in an argument.

But what she didn't say was that for the past 15 minutes she'd been ranting in his face about what a piece of shit he is.

An ABUSED person can lash out in abusive ways when being abused, and the abuser can effectively spin a story to have it look the other way round and gain attention and sympathy.

Don't get me wrong, many LTBs are warranted and MN is fantastic for helping people see abuse in their relationships. But I think it's very important to keep in mind we can only see one side of the story and people usually paint their own behaviour in flattering ways.

Another example...
'DP was sweating at me calling me a cunt and a bitch. I totally lost control and hit him.' response is sometimes he's an abuser you were just reacting I don't blame you I understand why you did it

'i swore at DP and he hit me' - call women's aid he's an abuser

The double standards are quite incredible.

You also see this a lot with sex stuff.

'i have been trying to initiate sex but DP won't respond and tells me to fuck off' - he's abusive leave him

Man says the same - you're abusive you rapist I'd have told you to fuck off too

Nope, I see women being told to leave abusive relationships or relationships where the man is bone idle or a terrible prick.

It's a great counterpoint to real life where we're told to put up with it because all men are the same.

"Also Mumsnet doesnt seem to grasp the difference between abusive behaviour and an abuser"

So you think people should just put up with abusive behaviour?

Nah, fuck that. I've done my fair share of cunty things in a relationship and no one should put up with it.

@NotNowPlzz

You make some excellent points and I agree with the vast majority of what you say but I do think it’s worth pointing out that men and women unfortunately still aren’t equals and there’s a lot of research in to abusive relationships that backs this up. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is one such text.

@Vertz - I think your take on what feminism is definitely yours! A lot of feminists would say the goal is not equality because if women just aim to have the same as men, they will develop the same problems. I don’t want to get all what about the men because that is a different issue.

This thread is interesting; basically you can expect women to be more assertive where they have financial I independence.

What is interesting is what has changed in twenty years. The women who are really in trouble are the same as then, stay at home parents without financial means to support their children, unmarried.

What is domestic abuse has also radically changed. Across the world. Britain is a bit late in moving to understand that domestic violence is the expression of a much longer chain of control, which reflects an abusive dynamic. And we haven’t really caught up as a society to understand that psychological damage is the generator of physical violence.