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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good Girl

217 replies

mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:08

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems Angry

OP posts:
SliAnCroix · 23/04/2020 20:11

Yeh, bit of a turn off.

I know you've 18 years of history so I donn't know what you do, can you change him? make him less lazy and less sleazy?

UponTheBlueGuitar · 23/04/2020 20:13

I couldn't live with such a sleaze.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:13

I doubt it. Don't even think I care enough anymore.

OP posts:
rvby · 23/04/2020 20:15

You can't really be surprised can you? He has always been this way. What's keeping you in the relationship?

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:17

@ruby

Familiarity, financial dependency, family commitments, the list is endless.

Wasn't sure if I was overreacting. He says I am.

OP posts:
Bertucci · 23/04/2020 20:19

Hmm, what a catch he is Confused

rvby · 23/04/2020 20:38

@mamato3lads well, if you already know what he is like, then yeah you probably are overreacting. Because you cant possibly be shocked at his behavior? And surely he has shown you over many years that he doesn't give a fuck what you think?

If you are dependent on him and cant leave him, then it might be better not to expect him to be a good person despite loads of evidence to the contrary. You'll only cause yourself pain. He is a nasty lech who shares porn with his friends... I mean... he isnt going to suddenly turn into a nice person is he.

I'm sorry he sent that to you, it sounds horrible and degrading. I can understand why you're upset. But the most I'd say to him is "look I know you're a sad old porn hound, do you mind checking to make sure your sharing porn with your mates instead of me, ta".

That or perhaps work on getting some independence so you dont have to put up with him being gross?

YesThatIsMyRealName · 23/04/2020 20:40

I would be totally disgusted.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:44

He's a quiet gentle man in all other respects. Teetering on boring. I don't know why he has to do this, especially as his interest in real life sex is not great.

OP posts:
CCaK · 23/04/2020 20:44

Ugh.

Shoxfordian · 23/04/2020 20:53

He sounds disrespectful and disgusting
Raise your bar op

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:57

His explanation is that he was sent the video by someone else, and I can see that is true. However he still chose to forward it to his mate and make a little comment about it too. I'm so fed up, I've come upstairs as the atmosphere in the living room is heavy, he has not said a word to me since.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 23/04/2020 21:22

I'm really sorry to put a dampner on things...but it really is just bloke talk. He's just made a mistake sending it to you. Pretend you haven't seen it and move on as normal..seriously there are worse things.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:26

This is the one who you do everything for, get him a drink when he says he's thirsty, pack his gym bag .. he says "you're mine" in a possessive way regularly but he wont have sex as often as you like, you feel rejected, have had to accept porn use (a porn habit?) and now he's sending you captioned porn clips.

You sounded lovely in your last thread but things about your relationship perturbed me and I thought you'd be back on here with more.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:28

Your DH sounds chauvinist.youbssid you'd been together since very young and you've known nothing else (?)

Wasn't sure if I was overreacting. He says I am.

Oh well then. That settles it.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:29

Could I just clarify - he forward the porn clip to you or to his mate or both?

LauraMipsum · 23/04/2020 21:32

His interest in real life sex isn't great because porn is fatal to real life sex.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:32

*forwarded

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:37

Sorry I've realised he sent it to you by accident.

MissHoskins · 23/04/2020 21:37

I'd probably say something like, looks like her husband is shit in bed, just like you. But then I'm very mean like that Grin
Anyone that excuses sleazy behaviour by saying it's just banter is a creepy disgusting fucker.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 21:50

@GilbertMarkham

Yes, me again Sad

I'm so disheartened and upset. This will eventually destroy us, i know it. I've tried everything to spice things up...and I'm met with lazy excuses and no effort. I think that's why this stings so much. He can make comments on these videos but can't get all hot and dirty with me! I'm so angry.
He's gone to bed. Angry. Punching his pillow. If he gets loud he knows I'll back off as i do not want the kids to hear, its his get out of jail free card. So hes asleep... Tomorrow I'll be told not to keep picking fights l, deliberately starting trouble etc and on we go.

OP posts:
YesThatIsMyRealName · 23/04/2020 21:53

"He's a quiet gentle man in all other respects."

And yet he is currently punching his pillow in anger and will blame you tomorrow.

Wake up, OP. You deserve so much better. You could be single with your lovely kids instead of living with fear and disgust.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 21:54

Oh and after all the upset last year and him saying he won't use porn anymore, i found out he still does, he just uses Google private mode. So still wanking to porn while his wife literally begs for a decent sex life.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 21:54

He must have had a real "doh" moment when he accidentally sent it to you, given he knows you're unhappy about his porn use and your sex life but he's brazening it out as usual eh.

I'd find this behaviour pretty creepy in immature young men; I find it really creepy sleazy and maladjusted in non very young men. I asked my partner (not saying he's perfect in many ways) did he send or receive anything like this (i remember one friend of his sending him sexy images and copying porn CDs for him and others before the web really took off, years back) and he said no - he asked what age these guys are, I said I think 30s/40s and he said that's just weird, when v young maybe but this .....

Sounds like he and his mates if a bunch of sleazes who aren't v resiectful to women.

Also sounds like he's such a porn user/addict that he feels compelled to send things he's impressed by/turned on by to others do they can presumably get off on it too.

Your sex life is suffering because of his porn use and it seems like he thinks you should just be a good girl (no pun intended), put up and shut up and let him do his thing. Not really surprising he's entitled about thst, given his entitled he sounded in every other aspect of your relationship and that it was even described by you as submissive if I remember rightly.

He's also immature & sleazy.

FabbyChix · 23/04/2020 21:54

I wouldn’t even entertain being with any man who sent me sex shit or even watched it. I don’t ever watch it did at 17. Thats nearly 40 years ago. Men get some weird ideas when they watch porn seem to think that’s what their sex lives should be like. I cringed at your post. Really. Seriously trying to coerce you into sending him masturbating videos

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