Good Girl

[mamato3lads]

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems

@Readyfortakeoff

So you're suggesting I have an affair? Interesting.

*It means I won't have just given up on 18 years which have been mostly good

It means i won't have to uproot my kids, move house, change schools etc

It means I won't have to deal with seeing DH meet someone new, which would break my heart

It means I won't have to work out how the fuck i am going to support my mother*

Op I know you're nowhere near separation/divorce (emotionally, mentally etc.) but just for the sake of breaking this down;

• them the throwing away 28 mostly good yrs .. From your previous thread, the relationship sounded unequal all along - however I only know what you've covered in your threads (it's v difficult to give a full picture) and you seemed happy with it until the sex issue emerged so to each their own....

(His behaviour towards your kids and the effect if that on the eldest does sound shit though; is that relatively recent? You said you've done nearly everything with/for them but was he better when they were younger? Can he not handle the teenage yrs?

• Re. uprooting kids, house, school etc.

If you do pretty much everything with/fir them and your DH is intolerant, then you are their home, their base, their constant ... They would adjust to a new place.You could make a new place their home.

School wise - do you really think it would be impossible with equity, child maintenance, possibly spousal maintenance, child benefit (not much I know), childcare help for single parent (not sure what she that finishes, it's 85% of childcare costs when I checked), universal credit, whatever you earn etc... For you to get somewhere within a reasonable distance of their existing schools?

• Re it breaking your heart to see him with someone new - it's understandable but tbh he's not a good partner as he is, if he was you wouldn't have had to leave the marriage .. and that's paramount. You may see him very differently with time and separation. It'll be someone else dealing with shit sex, discovering hurtful, angering, totally inappropriate things, dealing with his stone walling when they try to discuss anything about his behaviour that has upset them/is unfair. You will be free to meet someone yourself sooner or later, someone you could have a better relationship with.

• Supporting your mum .. if you return to work full-time, could you get carers for her, would she accept them? Would you get financial help? If you work part-time can you get carers allowance for looking after her. Does anyone on here know it the ins and outs of this?

*18 not 28!

If you think 98% of men are not sharing similar videos and talking like this in their various messenger groups then you are very, very naive.

It would also be someone else dealing with his selfishness, intolerance, grumpiness etc. towards their kids at home. Walking in eggshells around him. Unless he were to meet someone with no kids, not impossible but gets unlikely the older you get.
But they'll still be dealing with it themselves.

So you're suggesting I have an affair? Interesting

At least you might get a decent shag for a change - only joking (mostly joking).

@GilbertMarkham

You do make me laugh 🤣

As a bloke I have sent this sort of message a few times to my mates. And they have more than responded.

All men do this sort of thing, irrespective of what you may want to believe..

It doesn't matter if most men do anything.

The issue here is the op has a husband who cant even be bothered to have nice sex with her and who isnt great to live with.

My impression is that op would probably not even care about the texts etc if her dh was nice to her! Dont turn this into a discussion of how "all men" use porn ffs.

I use porn, I try to find stuff that is on the ethical side but I'm not perfect... if I was sharing loads of porn with my mates but not shagging my dp/making him feel worthless re sex, I'd expect him to be miserable. The op is being perfectly reasonable, no matter her/your views on pornography...

@mamato3lads

Re 'giving xx years up' look up sunk cost fallacy

*As a bloke I have sent this sort of message a few times to my mates. And they have more than responded.

All men do this sort of thing, irrespective of what you may want to believe.*

You've sent another bloke/s a video of a woman fucking herself with a d performing fellatio on adildo attached to a drill? Or something similar. With a caption expressing your approval/appreciation?

Then I'm embarrassed for you.

Oh and not all men send other em.thungs like that - my DH uses porn (probably less than me tbh) I've known him a long ass time, we are way past the point of lying by omission or otherwise to each other, a d his resonvsd to this scenario was "are these guys really young? (No). That's fkg weird then. And the actual content - weird, that guy had fallen right down the rabbit hole in porn".

(Personally I don't think it's that far down the rabbit hole in porn, not from what I've seen (!) - but it certainly is totally unrelated to what the vast majority of women find enjoyable ime). My dh's mates don't send him shit like this either. One sent milder stuff like that eons ago but stopped when he got a real live gf.

if I was sharing loads of porn with my mates but not shagging my dp/making him feel worthless re sex, I'd expect him to be miserable. The op is being perfectly reasonable, no matter her/your views on pornography...

Yep.

And he'd also be miserable/angry/out the door if you were browsing dating sites and male escort sites, not to mention looking up photos online of hot young men you'd seen/been served by in a local business.

But actually, for me, the sex/porn/totally inappropriate behaviour in seeking images for stimulation (if that's all he's done) - as shit as it is - is secondary to the behaviour at home and towards his kids, most obviously manifested to date in the eldest son's feelings towards his dad. He leaves the house when his father arrives back FFS.

ReadyforTakeOff, nope. My husband gets upset at violence against women, which this sort of video assuredly is. He doesn't watch porn videos either. He is a decent man, and he is not alone.

I've read your posts OP. What you have said about your husband makes my flesh crawl.

If my daughter was staying in this sort of marriage for my sake I would be absolutely devastated.

I'm really struggling to see what you can possibly find to love in him.

I'd say there is a proportion of men that go along with their friends sending shit like this so as not to look like a wimp/under the thumb/whatever you want to call it.

That is very, deeply unsexy. What a turn-off. A real man has a spine.

I do believe you need to say to him that he needs to up his game in the bedroom with you. Otherwise you may need to start watching porn yourself and doing all the same things he's doing . I don't think he'll like that, but if by some strange reason he doesn't mind, at least it's a safe release for you ( better than an affair )