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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good Girl

217 replies

mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:08

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems Angry

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 20:46

*Her

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 20:46

*stayed

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 21:22

@rvby

Fuck off.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/04/2020 21:27

I think rvby has nailed it actually

I would leave this man because of my kids

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:27

She hasn't nailed it @AnyFucker but thanks for your input

My middle son adores his dad and would not cope well and my youngest is only 8. I am NOT blaming my kids and using them as an excuse to stay.

I want to stay in my marriage because more than anything, I actually love my husband, despite his many faults. I just get disheartened with being ignored and having my feelings bypassed. I want a healthy happy marriage not a fucking shambles. Walking away doesn't solve anything.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 24/04/2020 22:29

You love your husband. Does he love you, do you think?

AnyFucker · 24/04/2020 22:31

How does staying solve anything ? This bloke doesn't give a shit about you or the kids.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 22:35

Walking away doesn't solve anything.

It would solve some things.

However if you want to try everything (I don't think he deserves it but ..) I'd reiterate my question from a few posts back; what is his reaction to the prospect of porn addiction counselling/therapy - if it has ever been suggested?

That won't solve his general attitude to marriage/family etc - which seems to be (very selfish, negative) "alpha male" I pay for everything so be grateful, I'm the boss, defer to me etc. etc.

SliAnCroix · 24/04/2020 22:36

And this poster is mum to three lads. That's so sad. Another generation of men watching dad treat mum like shit.

I left with 2 kids and a few spare nappies. I started again. It isn't easy but it can be done. It only seems impossible before you leave.

SliAnCroix · 24/04/2020 22:40

@mamato3lads Just seen your most recent post.

Sadly, you can only control your own behavior. You have no control over his. You cannot be reasonable FOR him.

And people treat you the way you allow them to treat you so he has no motivation to change.

Think about why you love him. Is it really love? Or is it habit? Fear? Approval seeking?

My kids are better off for my having left. Leaving is not the bad thing to do when things are shit.

You get one life. This life is more than just a read through.

rvby · 24/04/2020 22:40

Sorry I hurt your feelings op.

My heart just goes out to your eldest child.

I can't imagine he has checked out of his relationship with his dad for fun.

It would be such a shame to see each of your sons disengage with their father one by one, and in future years spending less time with you because you're still with this guy.

My mum stayed with my dad and spoke as you do. I checked out of my relationship with my father. My mum still stayed, citing how much my DSis adored him... my DSis is now in a potentially dangerous marriage...

I don't want the same for you and your family. Loving a man isnt enough to make the situation good for your kids.

You can tell me to fuck off as much as you like but possibly what's really hurting you is that theres a grain of truth in what I'm saying.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:41

How does staying solve anything? Well,

It means I won't have just given up on 18 years which have been mostly good

It means i won't have to uproot my kids, move house, change schools etc

It means I won't have to deal with seeing DH meet someone new, which would break my heart

It means I won't have to work out how the fuck i am going to support my mother

Staying makes a lot of things a lot easier. Yes, that's not an ideal set of reasons to stay in a marriage but I never wanted to leave. I wanted to make things better. For him to see me again. My kids aren't miserable....the eldest doesn't get on with DH at all, granted and that is DHs fault..but the other two seem to love him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:43

@rvby

Sorry I told you to fuck off. I didn't mean it I'm just getting tangled up with all this. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my thread x

OP posts:
LexMitior · 24/04/2020 22:46

You didn’t answer my question directly. But you did indirectly.

Be careful. Being the one who is desperate for love can mean you are taken for granted. Sending bits of pornography to you is pretty contemptuous!

WizardOfAus · 24/04/2020 22:46

I just get disheartened with being ignored and having my feelings bypassed.

Being listened to and having your feelings acknowledged are basic foundations of human relationships.

You deserve better. You know you deserve better.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:47

@ruby

What you wrote about the kids disengaging one by one has struck fear into me. The thought they may not visit me when older because of DH would devastate me. I can only talk to him...try and explain about our eldest...I've tried over the years but it never got through so i ended up over compensating... me and my eldest have a brilliant relationship, full of laughter and teasing.

☹ so lost x

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:50

@LexMitior

Your question. I do think he loves me, yes. He tells me every day, he is bizarrely very romantic...send me poems....songs....voice notes....little pictures and memories...he is soppy as fuck. Always has been.

Which is why, when I discovered this other side to his personality (I.e. the porn...girls...pictures etc) I was completely blown away x

OP posts:
LexMitior · 24/04/2020 22:53

Sounds good - but why all the other doubts? He doesn’t sound like this loving or romantic man in all your other posts.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2020 22:55

Op, think very carefully what you are choosing here.

My parents live 3 miles away from me. I see them twice a year for a duty visit. Stay 10 minutes and can't wait to get away. My dad was a dick all through my childhood and remains one. My mum stayed with him and put his approval over the emotional health of her children over and over again. Because she "loved him"

I hate my father. We have never and will never get on. The feeling is clearly mutual. More pointedly for my mother though, I lost respect for her from a young age.

I can't bear to spend time with either of them. They have only each other as they age and the comfort is very cold.

Depressing.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 22:57

I know. I didn't come here to sing his praises! He has lots of good points obviously otherwise I really wouldn't have stayed so long. He's always been a bit unapproachable..everyone knows he is quiet. Always been bossy too, but he's always looked after us. Very alpha Male but not mean or nasty generally. He has however become lazy and disengaged this past few years to the point I feel invisible. Sex is shit. Then I found loads and loads of porn, image searches etc and it all clicked. This was a year ago. I'm still bang in the middle of trying to sort it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 23:01

@AnyFucker

I know....jesus christ, I know. My eldest will never want to visit dad socially when he moves out, no way. I just hope he will do as he does now and ignore DH and come to me. I hope the strength of our bond will keep him close. We get on so well.

It seems so unimaginable.... @GilbertMarkham put that into words for me the other day. Leaving seems unimaginable but I fully take on board what you just wrote..the truth in it makes me feel sick xx

OP posts:
LexMitior · 24/04/2020 23:03

Well I totally get the reluctance but I think you can start judging him on recent behaviour.

Only you will really know if this is him being contemptuous of you - there are some indicators on this thread. The fact your eldest son does not like him is very telling.

I would echo the poster who said think about the future if you stay. Children grow up. They do not forget things like this. It stands to affect your adult relationships with them.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2020 23:05

I don't think any man is worth this. Do you ?

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 23:23

I don't know @AnyFucker i need to give it all a lot of thought xx

OP posts:
ReadyforTakeOff · 24/04/2020 23:28

Sounds like you are very much settled with your life with him which I totally understand. Personally I wouldn't leave either.

Though I would ask yourself whether you can live with the sleaze and what you are getting out of it. If he routinely looks at dodgy porn and gives you shit sex too, I would look elsewhere to get your kicks.

This sort of thing leads to affairs which in your case I would totally understand if you went that route.