Good Girl

[mamato3lads]

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems

Sorry - love and does (fucking autocorrect)

You need to disengage to survive. You know he won't stop using porn...he's not really interested in sex with you...don't ask or beg for it. Don't let him use you for blow jobs and then he turns away and can't satisfy you.

He isn't going to satisfy your needs. You can't afford to leave him, so learn to accept it and find other areas to fulfill your life where he's lacking.

We know what his issues are, but you need to take some responsibility for the situation you find yourself in and seek help.

Perhaps some therapy to learn more about yourself and to help you gain confidence and implement coping mechanisms.

Note that I've not once suggested you leave. I can see you're not ready to do so...but while you're there...make the most of things, which doesn't have to include him.

Can't masturbate without this stimulation

That's like you say with the sex though OP. There's something not quite right with him. Most people, even men, can get off without images. We might choose to use them sometimes but we can also get off without them. I had a lover who could virtually only masturbate, particularly if he was by himself, with porn and that's because he really struggled with his sexual response/orgasm for health reasons.

Lives with us temporarily because she couldn't quarantine on her own

This is only temporary though. You (and if necessary, your mum) could think of another plan sooner or later. A lot of private landlords who handle their own affairs will still be renting now.

the kids wouldn't cope well

You don't know how they'll cope till it happens, I'm sure you'd support them well. It happens to about 1 in 2 families.

Hubby wouldn't cope well. He is so very loving in many ways and also an old romantic.. Always talking about our history, so full of love. It never seems to extend beyond words though. I don't "feel" it. Maybe its me

No, I think this 'sweet talk' is a way of manipulating you and getting away with the other stuff.

My eldest son cannot stand his dad

Then he will be glad not to have to live with him, as I felt about my dad when my mum left him. I was constantly telling her she should leave him, till one day she turned round and said she'd rented a house.

Everything you say about how the kids feel about him suggests they would in fact take no longer living with him very well indeed.

person i am having "sex" with

If you can see that 'sex' has to be in quotes, then it's already over in your mind. That's how I feel about the 'sex' I had with my ex- and he's an ex.

He says this position is just easy, requires no effort

Is that supposed to sell it to you above all other considerations?

What happens when you say you'd like to come sometimes and this isn't doing it for you? Or that you don't want this 'sex' because it isn't pleasurable for you? If you ever want to talk to him (at least in future after Corona) maybe go out for a walk or something so he can't kick off to avoid a conversation. Not that I'm under any illusions about his willingness to change.

You can do it @mamato3lads . Trust me, life's so much better without 'sex.' xxxxx

You can still go out for a walk even in the current times of course. But I don't feel optimistic that he's a good prospect.

Get yourself a drill and a dildo and when he says to you 'good girl' laugh and say "good boy actually" and chase him around the room!! It might lose its appeal!

@SandyY2K

Disengage to survive. I think you're right but it makes me so sad. It is the exact opposite of what I have been trying to achieve here xx

Have you asked him if he still finds you attractive/still loves you?

Has your appearance drastically changed for the worse (not just because you're older)?

When you first got together, how were things different? Ask him if he wants to try to get that feeling back. If he says no, tell him he isn't even trying to satisfy you sexually, but he always satisfies himself. Does he expect you to just have crap sex for the next 30 years?

Assuming you still want him, personally I'd give him an ultimatum - Saturday night is my night, and you don't get to roll over and sleep until I've come. Make a serious effort to please me once a week, or I will put on Facebook you are total crap in bed. If he is submissive, why not give him some training on how to please his mistress?!

Really? Was your sex life ok before he started with the rolling on your side stuff?

Yes it was fine. He never went down on me or did much in the way of foreplay but I was too inexperienced at the time to really know I was missing out (well still am inexperienced in that regard really, but I'm aware of what I've been missing now). We did have sex quite a lot and in different positions not just that bloody side one.

We've been together since I was 21 and I'm 32 now. Sex life started to dwindle a little when he was going through a stressful time at work, and when we did do it, it started to be that side way more often. I didn't notice it at the time but looking back I think it was pretty much always in that same position. Then I got pregnant, he wouldn't sleep with me at all because he didn't like the thought of it. I took a long time to heal after the birth. Dd is nearly six and this is embarrassing but I'd say we have only done it about 5-6 times since she was born - always in that same position until I eventually moved into the spare room.

He clearly has some kind of issues with sex, whether they are porn related or not who knows.

WHY are you letting him have sex with you that way? You say you want a sex life, but you are not getting any pleasure out of that, I doubt it's doing anything for you, and the longer you let him do that to your body the more chance that this will cause you sexual trauma later on (if it hasn't already). You must feel awful while it's going on!!

I suspect he knows he's absolutely rubbish in bed, can't satisfy his partner and doesn't have normal sex....and part of the reason for his little comment and forwarding the video to his friend was to try to convince himself (and his friend) that he has a 'normal' laddish attitude towards sex and porn!

This thread obviously began about your DH sharing porn clips with appreciate comments .. I know I would find that sleazy, very immature and off putting,I'd imagine many others would too.its also angering Inthe context of the ongoing problem in your relationship with his porn use, (and your resulting irregular & dissatisfactory sex life).

However, as often happens in these threads, there are unintentional drip feeds that are actually as bad or worse than the original issue.

I think when posters day they have a problem with their partner's porn use, some people think they're unrealistic, prudish etc. and assume it's minimal, "innocent" porn use.

I'm not unrealistic, not prudish in the least, I know my DH uses porn, I use porn myself and I would be deeply deeply unhappy if I found out he was browsing dating sites for masturbation material, browsing escort sites for masturbation material, and looking up pics of real young women we had encountered in our local area for masturbation.

To me that's blurred, fuzzy lines into cheating territory. Extremely inappropriate at best.

*appreciative

Your totally understandable feelings about that behaviour seem to have been dismissed - did he stop doing it? (I suppose the could hide it).

In your last thread it also be some clear that there is a dynamic of service to your DH at home, with you doing everything and him not lifting a finger. Myself and some other posters commented that it was hard to imagine that dynamic not crossing over to your sex life, and seemed to be with his "requesting" BJ's but not reciprocating etc.
Seems like it's crossing over onto sex (alongside the porn use).

That seems like a fundamental non sexual issue manifesting in sex - why would he respect your wishes, care about your sexual satisfaction etc etc.when he's in s king of the castle, entitled, privileged essentially superior position in the home you previously said you were happy with the dynamic bit it seemed unfair and unhealthy (and it seems to be manifesting in this stuff too).

Leading me to the other (unintentional) dripfeed about the dynamic in your household which seems worse than the original thread issues ... So in the last thread it was clear he doesn't lift a finger at home and has always does little with your children.

I this thread you seen to be saying you and your kids essentially tiptoe around him, he's grumpy, and he's harsh on your sons. That your eldest has (understandably) a poor relationship with him etc.

It sounds like the classic tyranny/autocracy (as opposed to democracy) that an author like Lundy Bancroft touches on on what is essentially an unfair and abusive relationship. Seems like hyperbole but it's not when you break it down. He also sounds like a shit parent (!)

There's a lot here and I'm v sorry to say it but I wonder how you're going to change this man (or rather how he's going to change himself). I don't think he really considers you (or any woman) an equal, with equal rights. His attitude to your kids is sad too.

He’s not abusive he’s the type of human no one wants to be or be with but the majority are.

Whatever you decide to do, it seems important to get those rose tinted glasses off (and throw off the influence of your misguided/naive mum and friends who really don't know him) and see him for what he is.

He’s not abusive he’s the type of human no one wants to be or be with but the majority are.

That's the second time you've posted this trite little statement.

A man whose wife and kids have to "not bother him" at home, who's harsh and negative toward his kids, who uses his wife sexually like s set of orifices, who sees absolutely all domestic work as his wife's responsibility, who is dismissive of his wife's hurt and anger at his browsing dating sites, escort sites a d searching for local young women's pics for masturbation etc etc .. is abusive.

And your comment that most are not the sort of person people want to be with suggests he's average and better is extremely unlikely to be found.

@SandyY2K

Disengage to survive. I think you're right but it makes me so sad. It is the exact opposite of what I have been trying to achieve here xx

It's not ideal, but if he isn't interested in working on your sex life and you aren't ready to leave, you don't have too many other options.

Some women who aren't particularly interested in sex, wouldn't find a problem with him. They wouldn't be begging or providing BJs to a man who has no interest in the sexual pleasure of his partner.

I suspect it really is a case of he's not a good lover performance wise and tries to avoid it at all costs.

In addition to that he's a selfish lover, because even if he isn't good at penetrative sex, he could return the favour with oral sex, or he could use his hands or buy some toys to use on you during sex.

One of the other problems is the way he kicks off and shouts when issues arise...that's not someone you can address things with.

If you could get him to understand how it feels for you to have sex with him and he is not bothered about your satisfaction. It leaves an empty feeling...and feels like you're being used.

He's never going to admit that he's no good in bed, but if he would care enough to look into other ways for you to enjoy it, then you could work with that.

He isn't all bad...he provides well for you and the family.... I just think that his poor performance leads him to turn things into an argument.

So all in all, as unhelpful as it was the first time ... Rtft.

@SandyY2K

But we don't know for sure that he's always been like this.

I got the impression op was previously satisfied with their sex life (in the last thread).

Also;

He isn't all bad...he provides well for you and the family..

Well, that's all he does really.

@smellbellina
He’s not abusive he’s the type of human no one wants to be or be with but the majority are

Yes. He. Is.
@GilbertMarkham has already set out a bunch of reasons why he is. I'd add to that his use of anger and aggressive behaviour to keep OP unable to express herself. He belittles her and reduces her essentially to a possession. This IS abuse.

One of the other problems is the way he kicks off and shouts when issues arise...that's not someone you can address things with.

I actually forgit to mention that - throwing things, being aggressive and intimidating, intimidating op into backing down because she won't want her son's disturbed us actually pretty abusive too when it comes down to it.

He isn't all bad...he provides well for you and the family..

Physically he provides. Emotionally he takes away.

OP, if you are just staying with this abusive creep for the money and lifestyle, that is not a marriage- it’s prostitution.
I’m sorry if that comment sounds harsh or shocking, but it is intended to make you stop and think.
Do you seriously want another thirty years of walking on eggshells, trying to avoid “upsetting” him, letting your kids be damaged by this vile role model of a marriage, putting up with crap sex, feeling your self esteem wither away while you are just used as a servant?
Life for you and your kids without him might be a bit less financially secure (although he would have to give you 50% of his assets and pay child support), but it would be infinitely happier.
Please stop clinging to a fantasy of how you wish he would be - face the reality of who he is. And if you won’t leave for your own preservation, for God’s sake do it for your kids. Sending my prayers that you find the strength to do the right thing.

@GilbertMarkham

I've not read the other thread as far as I can remember, or linked it to this one....so I wasn't sure he was ever good in bed. I got the impression from this thread, he might have been okayish...but that's gone downhill.

Another thing is, when you're younger, you might think sex is okay, but you later realise it's gotta be better than what you're getting and you want better quality sex.

It's obvious he's not great and has issues, but full financial provision is something significant. ....after all, it's the reason the OP sites for not being able to leave, although I'm not convinced about that.

OP....how old are you both?

I feel terribly sad for your children. They have no choice, they have to live there.