Good Girl

[mamato3lads]

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems

My eldest son cannot stand his dad. Been this way for a long long time. DH was too hard on him and quite distant (work).. He left the kids to me but they see him as difficult to say the least. My 17 year old has said to me things would be so much nicer without dad living here, which made me cry to be honest. Hubby doesn't have a clue, thinks its all good, tough love, teaching a lesson etc. He's not violent, he doesn't have to be. When he gets home, my eldest is like "right, bye mum" and off he goes. Dad can't take a joke, always so serious, never has a laugh. Wouldn't know a fucking thing of any importance about how our sons think or feel, not a clue.

That "banter" would put me right off. So gross. The way you described your sex life - that's the only way my partner has had sex with me for a few years now. That exact position you described. I don't know wtf that's about. He wouldn't do oral either but was happy to receive it. I stopped that and then I stopped sex completely. I don't sleep with him anymore. I'm in the spare room.

I don't have any advice except I think you should leave this guy because nothing you say about him sounds good. It doesn't sound like he's a proper romantic either, more like he knows the right words to say.

My mates only know him as quiet, a sweet guy, doesn't say much, bit old fashioned but harmless. They'd say "ahh those two, been together forever, so sweet the two of them"

The only view that matters here is yours. Trust your own view and to hell with what anyone else thinks of you or him or your relationship- they aren't living it so what do they know. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. Is this who you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Don't you deserve more? Get yourself some counselling, talk this through with someone, it feels to me as though you are too bogged down in the relationship to see it for what it is.

@bluebooby

Really? Was your sex life ok before he started with the rolling on your side stuff?

Why do they do it! Not asking much to actually be able to SEE the person i am having "sex" with... God knows i can't hear him... Totally silent. Like being fucked by a ghost!

Well then the comment about the effect on your sons is much more complex - if they were resettled in a happy home with you maybe they would be ok with and adjust to you selling up and moving etc.

They're old enough so that in a sjortish time, it would be up to them to set the terms re seeing him, some dung time with him. It sounds like the eldest would rather not abd that's nobody's fault but his.

Op, you're good with money - you could figure it out, it's not surmountable. You'll get CM from him up to 18 or older, you may well get spousal maintenance, you'll get some UC, you can bring in money yourself part-time, you could probably get carers allowance, there's presumably equity on the house, you'll be entitled to his pension/s.

*insurmountable

Like being fucked by a ghost!

Oh dear I shouldn't laugh but that was weirdly funny.

Would he accept a dildo on a power tool up his arse? No? So he believes your body is an unfeeling sex hole. Sorry but no.... I am a woman, not a toy.

Men who are silent during sex freak me out incidentally. I've only really had one like that and it was freaky, puts you right off, v hard to enjoy it aside from anything else.

OP you sound a bit hung up on what others think. It doesn't matter. What do you think and what do you feel?
To me he doesn't sound like a good guy, far from it but time for you to be honest with yourself. You do have options, if you split I think if you have under 18s he will need to support you. But you can check with a solicitor if that's what you want to do.

(Citizens advice were actually excellent for me in terms of going through figures. But you probably would t need it).

@corianderLord

Well put.

@GilbertMarkham

Yep. I'm talking absolute silence except when he's about to cum, might get a few little noises out of him.

I've wondered about it. Think it's down to the porn/wanking and HAVING to be quiet so now, that's transferred to sex too.

It is SO unsexy.

Why do they do it?

I could be wrong a d this is really horrible to hear but I think it's so they can fantasise about you being someone else/or depersonalise/objectify you. They don't want to see your (familiar) face or "make love" or a urging like that - they want to play out porn fantasies in their head and only require a body part, not a person (esp their partner).

*or anything like that

I understand why you don't want to cause drama with the children around... but he's using that as a way to'win' argument. I don't see much love here

He’s not abusive he’s the type of human no one wants to be or be with but the majority are.

Spot on! Exactly what i said to hubby. I could be ANYONE. I am just a back to him... He is fantasising about something else for sure... He's definitely not engaging with me. He says this position is just easy, requires no effort... I believe that but also think not seeing me helps too.

you sound a bit hung up on what others think.

I think it's natural to doubt yourself and question things when everyone else, including your own parent, thinks he's not got any problems worth considering ending a marriage over.

It's very easy to see things when you're not the one in the relationship. That's why imagining a friend or sister in your position and seeing what you think; and would advise them can be so useful.

Nothing sexual requires 'no effort'. The moment I feel coerced it is a task, a chore? An enslavement

He’s not abusive ..

I'd actually disagree with that.

From numerous, varied things op has shared in this and the previous thread.

It's perhaps not intentional but then much abuse isn't "intentional".

On behalf of "most women" - We do not want your nasty husband.

Hubby wouldn't cope well. He is so very loving in many ways and also an old romantic.. Always talking about our history, so full of love. It never seems to extend beyond words though. I don't "feel" it. Maybe its me

It's not you. This is his bullshit way of controlling you , along with the fear you have of him shouting so the kids hear, and the fact that you all have to tiptoe round him when he's home.

PLEASE PLEASE read the Lundy Bancroft book Gilbert linked up thread. It exposes all this bullshit for what it is - abuse. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive.

@OldWomanSaysThis

That's good to know. Thank you?

Fucking hell. From reading this thread I get the sense you are quite “well off”?
Is this really about a fear of being “frowned upon”?
I’m being harsh because quite frankly your husband is a horrible misogynistic cunt.
He wants to control you. That’s really clear.
And he can’t live you if he just dies what’s easy in terms of sex.
If he loved you he’d want to see your face when you orgasm, he’d want to make you happy, not make you feel like you can’t express yourself when you get very unhappy.
He’s a complete cunt.
Ask yourself- what would you lose if he went away?
I’m guessing not much at all.
Try it.
Just pack up his things and tell him he can’t come back for two months.
See how much better your life would be.
I know it’s easy to say this over the internet but you sound utterly bereft of love.

Another thing that occurred to me - what happens when he moves from looking at pics on escort sites and dating sites for wanking material (if he hasn't already) to messaging or exchanging pics etc for wanking material. It's far from impossible, people tend to move along a slope. Once one boundary has been passed ..

He's not only become porn soaked and totally sexually disengaged/crap but he's seemingly moving along a cheating trajectory too.