Good Girl

[mamato3lads]

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems

This is who he and has been for a long time. Waiting for him to be different is a strategy that hasn’t worked.

It isn’t a case of who is right, it’s a case of does this life fulfil you and if it doesn’t, is the unfulfillment offset by the financial security?

The ball is usually in the court of the person who isn’t content with the status quo.

OP, if you are just staying with this abusive creep for the money and lifestyle ..

Thing is op is doesn't see him as an abusive creep.

Discussing these issues with other people like ourselves (esp since op.dies t seem to.discuss them with siblings (if she had any) or friends is a very good first step.

Ops dh seems good at undermining and dismissing her (gas-lighting even e.g. looking up pics of an attractive young women they've seen in a business/shop locally, clearly for masturbation ... 'its nothing, you're silly, there's nothing wrong with it" etc.).

It isn’t a case of who is right, it’s a case of does this life fulfil you and if it doesn’t ..

But she is right though.

He sees it as.. He gives me everything a women could want...

He clearly doesn't know what you want, then, does he?

And why this generic "women"? That sort of statement suggests that he sees women as "other", unknowable. Which fits well with his view of himself as more important. And what you have said about it being unacceptable if you did what he does.

Why do you think he is so clueless about what you want, OP?

I'm not sure I'm right with "unknowable", actually. I think he's categorised you as wife and mother, and thinks he knows what goes with that.

The trouble is, he thinks because he's a man he knows what's good for you better than you do. Hence being able to tell you that you're overreacting. He knows what's good for you.

TLDR: you can never be his equal.

Make a serious effort to please me once a week, or I will put on Facebook you are total crap in bed. If he is submissive, why not give him some training on how to please his mistress?!

Mate, this guy tells op he's thirsty and she makes him a drink, she packs his gym bag for him, he asks for (unreciprocated) BJ's off her, she does everything in the home and for the kids, she feels she has to provide s wonderful, lovely home life for him etc. She had accepted porn use a d him browsing dating and escort sites, unhappily but ..

She's not going to shame her husband on Facebook. She's the last person who's going to do something like that (who would who wanted their relationship to continue anyway).

Also ok.hsd said they gave a traditional, submissive (her) relationship. He's not remotely submissive (unless it's a link she hadn't discovered yet), he's entitled, selfish, chauvinistic etc

*kink

You can't neatly divide out a sex life from a wider relationship dynamic. That's a big part of the problem here.

she feels she has to provide s wonderful, lovely home life for him

Just to add op; I've remembered you said your mum waited on your dad hand and foot (and you thought it was ridiculous but somehow ended up doing similar) ... Your mum is not a good source of advice on this .. no wonder she's going on about him being a good man because he doesn't go out loads, or drink loads, or neglect you for sports and because he brings in good money (which you facilitate by looking after his sons pretty much exclusively, working from home, doing all domestic stuff etc, plus you can earn decentk money yourself , you're a qualified professional). She'd an awful advisor on this, no offence to her.

*She's

Yuk!!! You're not overreacting at all!!
Why do some men watch disgusting porn videos?! I don't get it. Obviously they'd say it's normal - as in we all think whatever we do (or don't) is normal. But is it really?? If that's the sort of shit that turns someone on - are they not weird? And if someone finds that sort of stuff funny - equally wrong! Whats funny about it?
I know. I come across as an awful prude. I probably am too. Happy to admit!!

He does the porn rather than you because it’s easy and he can selfishly suit himself. Giving you decent sex means making an effort to work out what you need and want and actually be interested in you. He doesn’t care and he’s lazy. He gets himself off to strangers and screw you and your needs. Selfish. Do you really want to be bothered with this for the rest of your life?

Beside the porn issue (which i completely agree with you on by the way), he sounds aggressive and disengaged with your feelings.
He is not treating you right and yet you’re the one running making all the effort, in some way you are doing the pick me dance.
He is emotionally and verbally abusive snd controlling.

I completely get how stuck you feel.

In your shoes, I’d stop all efforts with him. Wouldn’t even suggest or ask for sex. Rather i would focus on a plan to gain your financial independence (plan to find work, see a solicitor to assess your situation should you leave him). Also would give myself all the love and care he is denying me (hairdresser, gym, ann summer 😁). The more you look after yourself the more confident you will get and start seeing you have options and you are not stuck.

A heartfelt hug OP x

Hubby wouldn't cope well.

I said it in the last thread and I'll say it again; I know it's hurtful to think of but he would just, sooner or later, get himself another partner to be his domestic servant and occasional fuckhole provider

He has the money/success, you say he is attractive, he's comes across as a quiet, nice-ish guy, he had a little bit of game/blarney (eg the lovely dovey, sentimental stuff he uses on you).

How it would pan out for him in the long-term when she comes across the sane issues is another question, but it's fair to say that people out up with a lot in relationships for many varied reasons and she may just stick it like you have, even without shared kids. Also you've found out stuff by accident, like this shared porn clip .. and that takes quite a long time.

*he has
*same

Thank you ladies. I feel a bit sick to be honest as so much of this rings true.

I met him young when I had no clue what I wanted or deserved. To be fair, the first 14 years or so were great, although his personality has always been the same...work first, he's the boss.

Today he is sheepish, sorry, asking if he is in the "dog house". Saying he couldn't sleep last night. I just told him I'm fed up with his lies. Every inch I give, he takes two. I accepted his mates sending these videos..whatever...but to comment "good girl" when he ignores my efforts to entice him is a kick in the guts. To those who asked, both early 40s, him a bit younger than me and I look the same, if not better than I did when we met...he does not but I still fancy him...wish I didnt.

I'm gutted and very reflective today, a lot of thinking to do xx

How did he respond when you said you are fed up with his lies?

He said 'ok, I'm sorry, I won't do it again. If anyone sends anything I'll delete it".

I said the fact I had to TELL him was laughable

Now I'm being made to feel like a neurotic controlling prude which is so unfair. The videos etc I had known about for ages, he knew I knew, he even told me on occasion. He can't get through his thick head that writing "good girl" as a comment to this video is one step too far for me...don't know why it bothers me so much when I know the videos they share in their group, it's just that comment....it's really hurt and I'm so livid I can't look at him. C*NT.

I know the videos they share in their group

They sound fkn creepy/sleazy etc.

As another poster said, it's toxic masculinity too - there's an objectifying and degrading aspect towards women that would make me v uncomfortable.

So he said he would no longer forward porn clips with appreciative comments. Cool.

Now all he had to do is;

• Have regular, two way, considerate sex - with effort - with his wife.

• Not ask for blowjobs without regularly reciprocating sexually

• Never browse dating sites again

• Never browse escort sites again

• Never look for photos online of attractive women he's seen locally

• Do something around the house instead of putting it all on you and expecting you to serve him

• Not act a grumpy, "don't bother me" dick at home

• Not act in such a way that his eldest son goes out the door when he gets home - because he's so unpleasant.

• Become an engaged, positive, supportive father

• Not throw things, become angry, aggressive, intimidating etc whendiscussing problems (seems like problems he's always created) to get his wife to back down and leave it alone.

Not much at all really .....

(And of course even if he did all those things, done people would not be able to get past what he had done to date, and they'd be perfectly justified in that).

*some people

asking if he is in the "dog house"

There's something so "I'm just a big dopey harmless down in the mouth doggy, and you're a harpy" implied in that phrase ... He really is a piece of toxic masculinity isn't he.

Might print that list out and give it to him @GilbertMarkham, couldn't have put it better myself

He's being a prick now....I was waiting for this. Moaning, snipey, rude, moody because I didn't immediately forgive his bullshit

"Harmless down in the mouth doggy"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 brilliant

@Humanswarm Agree with this poster, sounds like you have more pressing relationship problems than this, Guys talk this way and I guarantee you almost all males do this, and if you think your partner doesn't, you just haven't caught them yet.