Good Girl

[mamato3lads]

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems

@FabbyChix

Think you've got your wires crossed mate or didn't read the original message.

He's gone to bed. Angry. Punching his pillow. If he gets loud he knows I'll back off as i do not want the kids to hear, its his get out of jail free card. So hes asleep... Tomorrow I'll be told not to keep picking fights l, deliberately starting trouble etc and on we go.

Sorry just saw this post.

So he's more than brazening it out.
He's actually being somewhat aggressive and angry to get you to back down and get back in your box.

That's perturbing about him knowing being loud etc will get you to back down so your kids aren't disturbed.

Tomorrow I'll be told not to keep picking fights l, deliberately starting trouble etc and on we go.

You're unhappy with his level or porn use, you're unhappy with your sex life.

He said he stop using porn so much/at all (?)

You've found out he still does it incognito or whatever, and now you've found out he shared porn clips with mates in a creepy, sleazy, very immature way.

But you're picking fights and starting trouble. Yeah you really should just let him do whatever he likes all the time regardless of how fair it is to you or not.

Tbh I thought he was an asshole in your last thread when I read that he doesn't lift a finger round the house and acts like a lord. Any decent person would try to muck in and give you less work.

Hugely amazed you actually want to get hot and dirty with him - stuff like this chips away at you

@GilbertMarkham

Yes. He knows i will do most things to avoid the kids hearing us argue. Once kr twice over the years things have really kicked off and he goes mental. Doesn't hit me, never has, but things will get broken, he'll shout and be very intimidating. That said, he has done this maybe 3 times in 18 years so not a huge problem. However, if we argue about stuff like this, where he feels he can't "win" as he says, he will get louder and start to lose his temper so i leave it, there's so much i want to say but I'm not having WW3 here, the kids do not deserve that!
Put up and shut up.
He says he works all hours, pays for absolutely everything, doesn't drink or smoke or go out with his mates or watch football. So i should be happy, he says. I'm not though and it's breaking my heart. I need to be sure i am not ignoring the good stuff and going OTT about this because i am insecure generally. Such a head fuck

I can't remember; is it the regularity of your sex life that is the issue, not the actual sex when you have it, or both?

In the other aspects of the relationship; lovely (and you sound totally lovely) I dunno, it just sounds unfair, dysfunctional etc to be. That aggressive, manipulative behaviour you describe is shit too.

@tarasmalatarocks

Because i fancy him, always have. Nearly 20 yrs and I'd still always choose him. I'd love the passion to return, i miss who he used to be

*to me

3 times in 18 years is 3 times too many.

He sounds disgusting. Start making plans to get out of this marriage.

You deserve much, much better.

@GilbertMarkham

Regularity is one thing. He'll want sex or a blow job a couple of times a week, but its not proper sex! It's me, rolled on my side and used to ejaculate into to be honest. I've got my back to him, he can't see me, he's completely silent, he doesn't touch me apart from holding my hips to keep me in place... Its so depressing. Every now and then he ups his game but it seems to exhaust him, he's panting afterwards, so worn out...we're talking ten mins of sex here. Too much effort.

Part of me is trying to remember when things changed....maybe this has been going on years but i just accepted it... Wasn't until i found all the porn etc and realised there was more to him.. More he wanted...that my feelings changed. I thought maybe we'd got complacent.. I was guilty too, so i tried everything over the course of a year but it's like trying to set alight wet leaves. Makes me feel awful, i cant do another 30 years of this

OP, he's abusive. He's intimidated you with force through his breaking things- it doesn't matter if he hasn't hit you or that he hasn't done it many times, he's made a show of his physical strength and he knows that you don't want to see that again so will back down when arguments start building. He's controlling you. And telling you that you should be happy, telling you that you're over reacting... this is belittling, controlling.. emotional abuse, basically.

The porn thing with the good girl comment is not banter, it's toxic masculinity, and calling it banter or bloke talk just minimises how harmful it is.

You said you need to be sure you're not ignoring the good stuff but honestly, his behaviour outweighs any good stuff for me. You can have a relationship with good stuff and without all the head fuck, you deserve it. Also, please remember the messages you're sending to your kids, they are likely to model your relationship when they are older.

I know this is not easy though, sending you hugs.

This sort of video is gross because:
(a) no real life woman actually enjoys hurting herself with a huge dildo/power tool; huge objects are violent and harmful
(b) it reduces a real woman to an object of scorn and ridicule
(c) pornography reduces desire for real-life, genuine, considerate sexual interaction
(b) 'banter' is for little boys who can't stand up to their mates and say, geez mate that's taking it a bit far or mate, I find this disrespectful.

HTH

He says he works all hours, pays for absolutely everything, doesn't drink or smoke or go out with his mates or watch football.

You work too, right?!

If I recall correctly you work part-time (as well.as be a carer?) as well as doing absolutely everything in the house (aside from some cleaning you have a cleaner do) and absolutely everything for your sons.

So you work too! Probably as many or more hours in total. But his work's the only work worth anything (?)

As to other things, I'm.not a fan of smoking but anything else in moderation is ok. There'd nothing wrong with watching sports or having a drink as long as it's not excessive. It's not a "I don't ever go out or ever go and watch sports so I should get to have a porn habit and not have a satisfactory sex life with you" trade off. That ridiculous.

I'm sure the vast vast majority of women rather have a man who sometimes goes for a few drinks with mates (as long as the option is there for you too) or sometimes watches sports .. but who doesn't use porn to the extent that it affects their sex life and dies things like the topic if this thread (forwarding sleazy porn clips to his friends).

His reasoning is skewed.

^^ YY toxic masculinity. Strong men stand up to it and call it for the bullshit it is.

@GilbertMarkham
You have a very good memory and i appreciate your comments. I know tje trade off is ridiculous. My mum said to me that I'm mad, I'm throwing away a man most women would love... meaning the work ethic, always being home and not out with mates. I see it differently though. He works because he's an ambitious entrepreneur and I've known this from day one. He does well, earns way way more than i do. He does it because he loves it but yes, the financial benefits to me are huge and i do appreciate that. He's always home, yes, but not "with" us. He's watching TV so wd have to be quiet, he's on his phone, he's trying to relax... So he's here but boy do we know about it. He does very little with the kids. No one can seem to see this but me.

@mamato3lads
So if I'm clear, you're having sex "a couple of times a week" but he's just not doing enough for you?

And when he "ups his game", he's exhausted?
It sounds like age and fatigue are getting to him.

I'm skeptical about this stuff about porn making men unable to perform. It hasn't been my experience and it's used as a scapegoat for everything from men not wanting to have sex with their partners to men wanting too much sex from their partners. Some people just don't like porn, and that's fine.

It seems a lot simpler to attribute this to a marriage that's being affected by all of the common symptoms of time and people aging.

@KnockDownNinja

Accepted but is it really ok to not even TRY?

Your mum is misguided. Perhaps she's influenced by personal experience (or friends or relatives experience) of pub widows, golf widows, footy widows, cheaters, beaters etc.

But those aren't the only shit relationships. Just because a man isn't drinking all the time (or following sports or cheating etc) doesn't mean he can't still be a shot partner in other ways.

And your DH is proving that. He's entitled and lazy at home, does nothing with kids, manipulates you in quite an abusive way not to stand up for yourself or argue, is disengaged, sounds grumpy ... And in top of that now, he's developed something or a porn addiction, doesn't offer a regular sex life and when he does have sex; is now asolutely shit at it. Selfish, one sided, functional, detached, unaffectionate, uses you like an orifice.

Noone else really knows. They're not the ones in a relationship with him. Oh don't need their understanding or approval.

Everyone always thinks abusive men are great (or many do). What do your mates think of his behaviour if they know?

Hold back on all sexual activity xx

Well if @KnockDownNinja says that's what they think is going on, based on their experience, it must be true🙄....

The throwing things, shouting etc is well recognised as abusive .. and sometimes escalates. As another poster said, without actually hitting etc someone; he still gets the effects on intimidation, aggression, threat etc that he wants to achieve (subconsciously or not).

I think it's mentioned in the Lundy Bancroft book which I'm always linking on here because I think it has a lot of value.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

It's primarily about physical abuse - so your first reaction may be "this doesn't apply to me" but it covers everything.

It gets very insightful from the "myths about abuse/rs" part.

My mates only know him as quiet, a sweet guy, doesn't say much, bit old fashioned but harmless. They'd say "ahh those two, been together forever, so sweet the two of them"

They don't see how unresponsive he can be..how disengaged he seems. He says all the right things and in his head im pretty sure he thinks its me being a whinge rather than him being a prick

In your previous thread myself and several other posters were angrily (on your behalf) telling you not to give any more BJ's unless he reciprocated with oral or at least two way, considerate sex.

If I were you now, I would consider my options - including all the financial implications - and get myself a cornucopia of sex toys, he as selfish as he is and just enjoy yourself as much as you can.

Someone who has sex the way he's currently having it - dies not deserve sex.

*does not

My mates only know him as quiet, a sweet guy, doesn't say much ...

You're evidently a private sort of person who doesn't discuss arguments, issues or sex life with your friends then. I ei Der what they'd think of even just this porn clip sharing with comments.