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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good Girl

217 replies

mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:08

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems Angry

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 22:49

*wonder

HappyMumsie · 23/04/2020 22:54

Should have sent him porn of 2 men getting jiggy with, 'Go on my son' as a caption

Seriously though, I just got shot of my live in crap boyfriend who liked to smoke weed even though I didn't like it because it helped him sleep, and his porn habit every night while I slept in another room. I used to ask him to sleep with me but no, used every excuse not to but would watch pork. Yuk. Complete turn off

HappyMumsie · 23/04/2020 22:55
  • porn
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 22:55

Sorry just back on your mum's view (and you seem to have internalised that too, until recently anyway) - just because he's not a boozer, sports addict etc. who's always out .. doesn't mean he's automatically good. As you say he's driven, extremely focused on work .. and then just wants to switch off and slob at home; that's his personality, he's not giving up anything, or making any sacrifices, or being purposefully a good partner by being like that. He's made you do everything domestic.

His switching off and chilling in his downtime at home has now an added porn habit that had made your sex life shit.

Tootletum · 23/04/2020 22:55

He needs counselling. It's an addiction and the fact he doesn't want real life sex speaks to a problem he needs to get help to fix.. He is however extremely stupid getting involved in forwarding it. Get pissed, randomly forward a preview without looking, turns out it's illegal/underage - he can wind up in jail. There was a long BBC article which was awful about child sex videos, a woman forwarded such a video to her school gate WhatsApp group (expressing how sad it was), and one of the other mums quite rightly went to the police.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 22:58

If you do end up divorcing him (because very sadly he really does not sound like the type to change and I have a feeling he's really quite chauvinistic too) just make sure you get a forensic accountant to make sure you get what you're entitled to - guys like this are into every shrewd move and will get nasty and think you're entitled to very little if you leave them.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:13

This sort of video is gross because:
(a) no real life woman actually enjoys hurting herself with a huge dildo/power tool; huge objects are violent and harmful
(b) it reduces a real woman to an object of scorn and ridicule
(c) pornography reduces desire for real-life, genuine, considerate sexual interaction
(b) 'banter' is for little boys who can't stand up to their mates and say, geez mate that's taking it a bit far or mate, I find this disrespectful.

This too.

I don't know many women who'd get much out of drilling themselves with a dildo ... Most women don't even climax from penetrative (only) sex .. it's just male dick obsessed, penetration obsessed shit, projected onto women.

And yeah he's not even just receiving it, he's forwarding it on with comments.

He must be absolutely kicking himself for that error op, that's probably partly the reason for the anger aggression; which he's kindly pushing out onto you.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:14

I'm an accountant @GilbertMarkham and I'm very good with money. That's one thing he'll never get me on. Big house, flourishing business... also in joint names.

I feel bad saying this though as in reality, if I left, i wouldn't fleece him. I don't hate him, i love him, just gutted at how little he feels he needs to contribute to our relationship.

OP posts:
Shineonyou · 23/04/2020 23:17

I'd probably say something like, looks like her husband is shit in bed, just like you. But then I'm very mean like that grin

😂😂😅

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:17

He needs counselling

And a brain transplant.

The porn use and sharing is only one part of the problem here.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:23

That's very good to hear op.

I wouldn't be in favour of fleecing per se, just getting what you're entitled to.

Actually scratch that, I would be in favour of fleecing because he's forced you into this position and you sound like an all round excellent partner (if too soft/nice) and don't deserve this.

But I know any amount of financial compensation doesn't change how shit it is and would be .. that I'd until you rebuilt and hopefully eventually got a good partner (or at least some good sex Grin).

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:26

He sees it as.. He gives me everything a women could want... i work yes, but he pays for basically everything, my car is always full, taxed, insured by him... He even bought the damn car. The house, our things, all the bills, days out, he gives me money for my hair, my nails. In return he wants to do absolutely nothing apart from run his business and bring in the money. That is his contribution and he thinks i am a spoilt madam who can't see how good she has it. He laughs the porn off, it's banter, its a laugh. He didn't laugh off looking up an image of a particular girl he found attractive in a certain well known high street store...trying to find a picture of her at 6am in our family bathroom (i. E. Wank time). No, he just denied that one. He's saying sorry but thinks its me with the problem. I won't let it go apparently. I've tried but no, he's right, i can't x

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:26

just gutted at how little he feels he needs to contribute to our relationship.

You could try the counselling route.

He is strictly speaking abusive in terms of the quashing, manipulating behaviour and it's not recommended to have joint counselling with an abusive person.

You could see if he'd go for counselling for porn use, I get the impression he won't though.

NoMoreDickheads · 23/04/2020 23:30

How's about (if you can bring yourself to hunt through the sites in the hope of finding it) sending him some porn of a bloke giving a woman decent sex and commenting 'good boy.'

His comment doesn't even make conventional sense. A woman pleasuring herself is only a 'good girl' if a man doesn't want to have to make an effort. So I suppose that makes sense when it comes to him.

So, what's the plan OP?

You're not old and no, this is not an age thing. What you describe, just shagging you in that way, is not age related (the rot doesn't really set in at this age anyway) it's just crap.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:32

He'd say I'd lost my mind if i suggested anything like that! Not a chance in hell.

He genuinely believes that looking at other women... Porn.... Pictures on escort sites.... Visits to dating sites..(no registration) .. All of this.... Is "nothing".... Just pictures.... Just videos.... Can't masturbate without this stimulation. Loads of men do it. No harm, just images and pictures to help him get off.

It'll never sit right with me. I don't think I'll ever trust him again.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:33

Everything he mentions is material.

There is more than material in a relationship.

E.g. care, consideration, connection, love, affection, a nice sex life, emotional and physical intimacy, support etc etc.

What is wrong with him?

And also, for the sake of argument, you don't even need him to provide for you strictly speaking. You have a good profession, good earning potential, and if you weren't looking after his kids and home (and your Mum for that matter) you could provide yourself with a car, somewhere to live etc etc.

He sounds like he thinks that because he provides financially/materially he should be allowed (short of cheating?) To do whatever he wants. You already put up with him doing nothing around the house and it sounds like next to nothing with your kids.

The looking up real people to get photos of them for wanking purposes is worse than porn in my view (and I don't think I'm alone in that) and actually very intrusive, objectifying etc to the person themselves.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:37

@Nomoredickheads

What's the plan?

I cannot leave. My mother is disabled and financially dependent on us/my husbands money. She is cared for by me. Lives with us temporarily because she couldn't quarantine on her own. DH pays for everything for her. He pays all our bills. We'd have to sell the house... the kids wouldn't cope well... Hubby wouldn't cope well. He is so very loving in many ways and also an old romantic.. Always talking about our history, so full of love. It never seems to extend beyond words though. I don't "feel" it. Maybe its me

OP posts:
Bluewater1 · 23/04/2020 23:37

Ugh yuck. you absolutely deserve better OP Flowers

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:38

Pictures on escort sites.... Visits to dating sites..(no registration) ..

Also beyond porn in my view (and I think unacceptable to many people).

Interesting how he dies all this while telling you "you're mine" regularly.

What exactly would his reaction be if you were constantly watching porn e.g. guys with great bodies and large dicks masturbating (of which there are many on porn sites), forwarding clips of these men to your friends, looking at pics on male escort sites,looking at dating sites, looking up pics and profiles for very attractive you g men who eg served you in a local bar or something.

Would it all be nothing? Woykd he be all fine and dandy with it.

The fuck he would.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:40

@GilbertMarkham

"The fuck he would"

You couldn't be more right.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:42

Maybe its me

From what you've descrived in your last thread and this one; no.

Do you think he knows it's a type of manipulation that works in you (or used to).

Original poster
mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 23:44

Yeah he knows

Shout, get angry, I'll back off. Not because i am personally scared OF him, no. It's because i don't want the kids all upset, the guilt absolutely does me in.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:44

*works on you

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:48

You can't continue to be held hostage like that.

Is there anyone who they could stay with if you wanted to have things out with him?

Also it's possible they know - kids are incredibly instinctively emotionally intelligent. I remember you saying they weren't like him around the house, that the to help out and do things for you, in this thread you've said you and they feel under pressure to give him "peace", not intrude on him at all and that he'll "let you know about it". Sounds like a typical (sees himself as) alpha bully.
Is hazard a guess they know, they know he's a dick, they know you're unhappy and stressed at times.

You may not be doing them the favour you think.

GilbertMarkham · 23/04/2020 23:51

Yeah he knows

I meant the "we're love's young dream, we're great together, us against the world, it's always been us etc etc." in that comment about the manipulation that used to work on you.