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Original poster

Good Girl

217 replies

mamato3lads · 23/04/2020 20:08

Would appreciate some perspective?

Hubby just forwarded me a video of a woman who attached a dildo to what looks like a power drill and had a grand old time with herself. DH has written "good girl" underneath it

Bit of a shock and obviously confusing so I immediately questioned him with WTF and it was meant for his best mate.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off. He says its banter. The videos they share I've seen before on their groups...dont like it but accepted they were forwarded to him or whatever...but adding the good girl comment just takes the piss right ?

History of porn use too. Found him out. So he switched to Google incognito. Together 18 yrs and he is lazy as hell in bed but is horny enough to make comments like this it seems Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 14:17

@ArthurBloom

Some men talk like this. Not all men, you must realise that surely. I am from west London, I have been brought up around men who talk like this, believe me when I say I know the score here. I also knew my hubby was prone to such language...he says things like this to me! However I also know men who are eloquent and intelligent and would never use these phrases...they can get their point across in other ways.

The point here is that he has disengaged from me sexually....despite so much effort on my part..sex is infrequent and dull and all about him. So to find this same guy leering over a women mastubating and giving oral sex to a dildo on a power drill is just insulting. Dead as a door nail with me....but mr horny when it comes to this shit. There has to be balance surely!!!! Fuck, I am not asking for much here

OP posts:
Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 14:20

Anyway the punishment has begun. Silent, moody or snapping at me about things that are not done. Going to be a great day.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 14:52

Guys talk this way and I guarantee you almost all males do this, and if you think your partner doesn't, you just haven't caught them yet..

You're saying all guys - absolutely all guys exchange porno clips with comments about them ; all of them?

Well I must be living with a total freak of nature because my DH, who had plenty of issues abd is very very far from perfect believe me .. does not.

Years back his ex mate (nothing to do with me, they had their own fall out) who was single, young, sleazy etc used to copy porn CDs for him and send him sexy electronic calenders and sexy "funny" pics. It stopped when he moved away and got into a steady relationship.

He watches porn, as do I, but he doesn't feel the need to make it a group activity with his mates and vice versa.

He declared this behaviour (unless the guys were very young) to be weird.

But clearly he must be the only forth yr old man like that .. And his mates of course, who don'tt send him anything and have no reason not to.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 14:53

*forty

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 14:57

A bloke I used to.ho out with (he was 45 at the time) told me about an acquaintance trying to talk about porn, specifically women squirting in a group of guys that were chatting one day and that everyone himself included were uncomfortable and eye rolling. They didn't want to discuss squirting porn with some little middle aged sleazy hick ... Maybe men like that gravitate towards each other, but not all are like that

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 14:58

Oh so sorry I missed "almost all guys" so it's what, 90%? Not in my experience.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 15:00

snapping at me about things that are not done

Has he lost the use of both arms?

Why doesn't he do something at home himself - other than porn related activities.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 15:04

The point here is that he has disengaged from me sexually....despite so much effort on my part..sex is infrequent and dull and all about him. So to find this same guy leering over a women mastubating and giving oral sex to a dildo on a power drill is just insulting. Dead as a door nail with me....but mr horny when it comes to this shit.

If he were watching this but still having sex with his partner (decent sex), I'd just write it off as curiosity, and falling down the rabbit hole that is modern porn sites.

But he's not. His sexuality has become ... fucked up for lack of a better phrase.

Not relationship material.

DaydreamingDay · 24/04/2020 15:30

My husband is in a work WhatsApp group with about ten other men. One of the guys - who is in his fifties ffs - sent them disrespectful images of women with sleazy captions. All the other men, including my husband, told him he was being totally unacceptable and his attitude to women was sick. He soon stopped his bullshit after that.

So no, NOT all men talk like that or appreciate hearing men talk like that. A lot of men see it for what it is...revolting, childish crap.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 24/04/2020 15:46

if you think your partner doesn't, you just haven't caught them yet.

This so sounds like someone is trying to normalise their behaviour. Either it's you, or somebody has fed you this line.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 16:07

snapping at me about things that are not done

Also occurred to me from this that he's well aware of your domestic goddess (must provide lovely home environment for my h and kids at all times) complex and uses it to manipulate you.

ChristmasFluff · 24/04/2020 16:11

No, not all men are like this at all.

If all the men you know are like this, you are hanging out with some seriously vile men.

LittleWing80 · 24/04/2020 16:25

he's well aware of your domestic goddess (must provide lovely home environment for my h and kids at all times) complex and uses it to manipulate you.

This is sadly. Work at getting your independence to show you have option and you can leave if you decide to.
You deserve respect, he is not treating you well :(

user1481840227 · 24/04/2020 16:32

Are you intending on still letting him have sex with you like that?
You can't control his porn use or what he looks at so I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.

Feellonely · 24/04/2020 18:13

@mamato3lads I can relate to some of what your going through, my DH and I used to have sex atleast twice a week, last couple of years could be once a month, he's always used porn but now it's affected our sex life, he's used it in the early hours of the morning while I'm 'sleeping' next to him, I was pretending to be asleep as I just felt numb. I confronted him about this a few moths ago as I went through his search history, he said he can't promise not to use porn again but he's sorry for it affecting us, I'm suspicious he's still using it regularly but if he is he's deleting his history so I've no proof just a gut feeling, crap isn't it Hmm

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 18:21

Yes it is crap. I've been very fair. After the original discovery and fall out i realised I couldn't control him in this way, I.e. banning porn. Didn't want to, I've no huge problem with it (moral issues well aside) and was also aware I couldn't "ban" anything, he had to want to stop. So I said, fine, watch your porn within reason as long as it does not affect our sex life. He couldn't do it. Still watched porn...in incognito/private mode in google....and still put no effort into sex. I couldn't have been fairer but not enough apparently.

He's switched again now to Sorry mode. What can I do. I've just told him to stop talking about it and move on. There's no telling him. One day I'll up and leave.

OP posts:
Feellonely · 24/04/2020 18:26

Other issues in my marriage aswell so not just the porn, I go through periods of being happy and then I don't want him anywhere near me, I'm angry with myself as I see myself as being 'weak' I work full time and know I could manage perfectly fine if we separated, I would feel like I've let the kids down though (3 teenagers) been together since I was a teenager so he's all I've known. Take care op and I really hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
mamato3lads · 24/04/2020 18:41

Jesus @feellonely very similar circumstances

It's pretty soul destroying.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 24/04/2020 19:14

Agree with everything @GilbertMarkham said

Mama did you stop rubbing his back and sucking his dick as I advised last time?

Fact is you're never going to get good sex out of this guy, especially not when you're prepared to satisfy him while he makes zero effort.

He's basic, mysogynistic and to top it off a spoiled brat.

He should be binned off back to the bottom of the barrel IMHO.

Feellonely · 24/04/2020 19:17

@mamato3lads once things go back to normal with regards to socialising I'm seriously thinking of seeing a therapist, someone I can talk to as I'm always putting myself down and have so much self doubt, I need to work on my own self esteem and feel more confident within myself.

Windmillwhirl · 24/04/2020 19:17

I'd say there is a proportion of men that go along with their friends sending shit like this so as not to look like a wimp/under the thumb/whatever you want to call it.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2020 20:12

Op, your 17yo will be leaving home as soon as he can

He won't visit much

rvby · 24/04/2020 20:35

@mamato3lads I've read all your posts and apparently the reason you're with him is you dont want to make your kids feel bad.

But yet hes shitty to them and your eldest has already checked out of his relationship with this man....?

Sorry but I think you are probably more likely just shit scared of being on your own. Dont use your kids as an excuse. Your decision to stay with this man isnt for your kids- in fact, staying with him is bad for your kids. Its you that you're trying to benefit, by staying in the marriage.

If you want a marriage like this, then own it, dont blame your children for your desire to stay.

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 20:43

What is his reaction to a proposal of counseling for him for (some kind of) porn addiction, if it has ever been raised?

His porn use is affecting your sex life, and therefore relationship. Some of his quests for masturbation material also seem (to me anyway) to be stretching into very inappropriate areas like dating sites, escort sites and finding images of an attractive young woman he's been served by somewhere, without her knowledge etc.

(Are you also certain he's never cheated with a sex worker or non sex worker if he "works all hours"?)

GilbertMarkham · 24/04/2020 20:45

If you want a marriage like this, then own it, dont blame your children for your desire to stay.

Op listed several reasons she's stated and provabky still wants to stay.

He'd kids were only one of them.

She was quite self effacing and said things like familiarity, financial support, still fancying him/loving him to some extent.