My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

I don’t think it is that tough. A stone’s not that much.

I have a thing about hair - don’t like bald, receding, shaved. Luckily DH still has very thick hair so does his dad.

But imagine how many men would be out on their ear if women went off them because of hair loss?

Personally I think that alters appearance more than a stone’s weight gain.

So he doesn't even pull his weight with running the household and lets you run yourself ragged to the point of exhaustion. Then has the fucking nerve to criticise your body?

I don't think I'd ever be able to get past something like this.

My exh said the same to me, he found me less attractive after children. Notice he is the ex. It was part of a larger pattern of abuse in our marriage.

He felt terrible that he had to upset me by telling the truth, but he had to do it because we had an honest relationship(he wasnt so honest about the OW).

H then couldn't understand why I had so little confidence and didn't want to have sex with him.

It will eat you up from inside.

Op I've rejoined just to give you hugs.

He's a vile man, you can do way better

This is heartbreakingly horrible!

I've never been married because actually I'm aware of how serious marriage is and how sure you should be and how committed to being with someone throughout lifes super challenging ups and downs and truly shitty bits. I've never felt that sure or felt that the person in front of me allegedly madly in love with me was actually mature or real or reliable enough to be able to commit either.

This is total immaturity and selfishness. Forgiveable traits in young, single humans as we can be immature and selfish creatures but not acceptable in a man who has committed to marriage and to having a child consciously with you.

You will get old and wrinkly and sick and infirm someday. Marriage allegedly is agreeing to go through all of that together. Did he not get that memo?

It sounds like you are used to suppressing your feelings and wants and needs (eg. the way you just accepted him not wanting another baby all of a sudden and went back on contraception). What about YOU? What do you want in a partner? Do you want to have another child? Do you want to do the lions share of all the work?

Please don't focus on your body and please don't focus on him. Try and have some honest conversation with yourself about what you really want in life and facing up to whether he can ever actually be that for you?

I am so sorry OP.

Absolutely agree with the other posters. It's not you that has the problem. Most women have tums after having kids, mine sits on my legs when I'm on the loo. Like you I had a big baby, dieted, kept fit etc but nothing changes. It's stretched skin.
I think that you need to have a serious chat with him, because if it's not this that's wrong he'll find something else. My ex was like this & actually still is, but guess what, he's still unhappily criticising his current girlfriend & I'm very happy with someone who loves me for me, not my shape.
You are an amazing woman & fantastic role model for your child. Be proud of who you are & what you've achieved xx

He cried did he? Manipulative wanker!
Your post baby doesn't 'turn him on' anymore?
So he tells you and cries on you to make YOU feel bad enough to take 'responsibility' for it without him directly 'asking/telling' you?!!

doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight
Oh look.....there's the solution to his problem!
Of course he isn't saying you should lose weight.....merely planting it all in your head

The only 'solution' is that HE goes and gets professional help to come to terms with being a parent and the changes that it brings.

So he doesn't even pull his weight with running the household and lets you run yourself ragged to the point of exhaustion. Then has the fucking nerve to criticise your body?

I don't think I'd ever be able to get past something like this.

^

This really.

He wants the ha'penny, the bloody gingerbread and the fucking icing does that lad.

Fuck him! Actually, don't!

If you want more children I guess you will have to find a grown up man to father them.

What a loser he is.

doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight

^

Oh! The poor button! Let's all weep in the corner for him. Poor MAN!

I'm sorry this happened, OP, it must be really painful for you.

In your position (and i know we're all different) I'd first be addressing why he's not pulling his weight and get him to change that. 50/50 or nothing.

Therapy? You sound really busy, so you'd have to decide for yourself if you want to do that, but I'd do it alone if at all. He most definitely needs therapy.

But in the end you really have to ask yourself if you want to stay with this man who has the EQ of a shrimp.

And is he still the “Stud Muffin” he was when you met ?

I don’t see how these things are all connected. Were you having sex without issue for the 2.5 years since you had your baby? Are you still having sex though no longer ttc? Why doesn’t he want a second? That’s nothing to do with your tummy. Is he worried you’ll change more or is that not relevant? In 2.5 years, has he never before said he doesn’t want to have another? Why did he agree to ttc? What if you’d got pregnant?! Why did he suggest counselling?

Op I bet you've got a far better personality and body than he'll ever have

What a twat! He’s had his head turned by someone else and has decided to blame you for it, I would say. Sorry op

I agree with the PPs who said most men (would fuck a ham sandwich) don't care about a few extra pounds around the belly if it means they get a shag! And they certainly don't become distant from the person that they love and who has had their baby, because of said few extra pounds.

Either he has got major issues and needs therapy or there is something else going on here.

The crying is a bit pathetic to be honest.

doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight
Anyone know the name for this clumsy trick of asking someone to do something by claiming that you don't want to ask them to do it? It feels like it should have a name.

How hurtful. Speaking as someone who has had a tummy tuck I would not recommend it to my worst enemy so don't consider that. You can minimise the size of the over hang by losing a bit but it doesn't take away the issue with him. He doesn' sound right. My husband used to have a six pack now he's got a little bit of podge. Doesn't effect the way I feel about sex with him. I think we all have a duty not to let ourselves go too far with weight gain and our general appearance but it doesn't sound like you have if it's only a dress size. The crying sounds emotionally manipulative. I'd be rethinking this relationship

If I'm honest I dont think I could ever get past this if it were my DH saying this to me. I'm about 5 stone heavier than when we got married due to numerous reasons. (3 children, emotional eating, depression and anxiety). I'm pretty sure my husband fancied me more at my slimmer weight but he would never ever say it to me. If you want to lose a few stone I'd start with him!

Is he perfectly chiselled? No receding hairline, perfect specimen?

Even if he is, would you be with a man who thinks a size 12 woman is too fat to love, and then fucking cries about it?!

It is weird

Either he had/has an affair with someone who dies not have a post baby body

Or he’s gay and not figured it out yet

Or he’s psychologically fucked up by his parents or by the fact he is now competing for your attention with the child

It he watches do much porn he does not know what a real normal woman looks like anymore

I have met/known men in all the above categories!

Your DP could be a combination of, or any if the above

My partner did not want another baby but we had one because I did. why did you instantly accept his wishes with out complaint or discussion? You are heart broken about this and your wishes matter

He has said something that can’t be un said however much he grovels
You seem sure he isn’t having an affair but maybe he has gone off you generally.
Some men go off their wives after they have had babies ( trump famously says this about women ) I think it’s a a cave man genetically thing so they go off and get another younger woman up the duff but he can’t be allowed to treat you like this is is not a cave man!!

It sounds to me like he's checking out of the relationship, and is using your body as an excuse.
I very much hope I'm wrong though, and wish you the best

I suppose he can’t help how he feels, but it is extremely silly and he needs to work on it. Our bodies change over time, not just because of pregnancy but through old age as well. That’s just part of life and he needs to get a bit of a grip I think. If you had no issues with how you looked before he said this then please don’t feel the need to change - he needs to change his strange way of thinking before you change your body!

I divorced my ex-H for similar (there were other issues too, but this was particularly hurtful).

I was always slim, but got really big during pregnancy. My pregnancy was fine enough, but the birth itself was very traumatic, extremely long and with complications. I lost 1.5l blood and almost died. Took me a long time to get well again afterwards. Scarred me for life and I'm not planning more kids ever again.

Anyway, 6 months after my daughter was born, he asked me why am I still so fat. I reminded him about all the horrors mentioned above. He said, but surely 6 months is plenty of time to get over it and lose the weight, all other women seem to be capable of doing it?

And that was it, I dumped him. I didn't say anything and didn't show, but it really did hurt. The birth was horrendous, really really bad experience, I'm not exaggerating, I really almost died. Birthing HIS child. And he asked me why am I still fat 6 months after, as if it was nothing. He apologized afterwards and begged me to stay, but you cannot come back from that.

And OP, I'm no expert and never looked into it as it doesn't bother me, but I too have that crepey/wobbly skin with silver/white stretch marks. As many other women do and know. I'm size 8/10, 5'11'', skinny. Losing weight doesn't get rid of it. But it really really doesn't matter. It's his problem, not yours. Shallow fucker.