My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

I don't think you'll ever feel comfortable around him again and that is something you'll have to consider, what a horrible bastard

So he's neither the husband or the father he should be.

Also why, if he felt that way but was disgusted with himself, did he feel that he needed to actually vocalise it to you? Is it a manipulative attempt to get you to diet and exercise which he mistakenly believes can get rid of stretched skin?

Just appallingly selfish all round. Not someone to grow old with.

1. Let him go to therapy on his own. Whatever he says is likely to hard to hear

1. He needs to do more to support you - sounds like you do everything

He's being emotionally abusive while masquerading as a sensitive guy. Tears my arse. It's very manipulative to cry while telling you that. He knew it would hurt you but he told you anyway.

If he knew it was his problem he should've sorted his own head out not made you feel like shit. You've given birth to his child, he should be fucking worshipping you.

The first thing that would spring to mind is his head being turned.

My tits are small, shapeless bags of mush covered in stretch marks and I now have to dry underneath them even though I’m only an a cup. They are horrific and bother me every time I see them. But my DH is adamant I have nothing to worry about and he loves them the same etc. He may be lying (because they aren’t pretty) but it’s the fact that he does make me feel better about it and doesn’t make an issue of it. We decided to have children and carrying children does have a physical effect on the person growing the child.

I’d be floored if he just said that they bother him and then turned on the waterworks to make him seem a little less cunty....Or someone with deep seated issues about mum tum, that 90% of women who’ve given birth have.

My exh was sad and tearful because he didn't know if he loved me any more, supposedly. I later found out that it was because his OW had briefly gone back to her husband.

I know that you don’t want your husband character assassinated but Jesus OP. I can’t believe what I’ve read. I assume he’s an Adonis with not a millimetre of spare flesh on him and a six pack?

I think you need to discuss this with a therapist or some kind of professional. His reaction to such a minor change isn’t normal and understandably you don’t want to discuss it with anyone you know. The idea that you’re embarrassed to snack in front of your own husband is terrible. Sorry, I know you don’t want him slagged off but he’s an utter arsehole and I’m so angry on your behalf. The idea that he’s got such an unrealistic idea of what women should look like that you are now below his idea of an ideal level of attractiveness because of a bit of saggy skin on your stomach because of HIS BABY.

Good luck.

I am surprised that you decided just to let it go when he told you he didn't want another child.
If you are as sure as you can be that there isn't someone else involved then i think you need to explore this some more. What has changed and be honest with yourself about whether you will resent him in the future.
As for the tummy comment... other posters have covered that adequately and you know yourself that he doesn't come across well but i do think there is more to it.

I would not have sex with this fool until he has sorted this issue out for himself because he is the person with one massive problem and he has rendered himself unfuckable.

I'd go to therapy for me, alone, not with him. He's blaming you for his feelings. The crocodile tears are just insulting. When you're a mature adult who loves his/her partner (and let's not forget, love is respect), you accept and own your problems and sort them out yourself, of your own initiative and off your own back rather than first visiting them on your partner and making them feel bad for your issues. That's really, really shitty behaviour. You realise this, I hope.

My ex said something similar about my weight gain. I eventually lost the baby weight, and my body was in fantastic condition, but he then found another problem with the way I looked. The truth is, he wanted to be with other women, and his criticism was just an excuse. You husband's reasoning may not be the same, but he definitely needs to seeks counselling.

Goodness that body birthed a whole child you must be so hurt. There’s someone out there hun that loves you for you. If he genuinely loved you he wouldn’t give a shit about your body. I’d kill to be a size 12 postpartum. Unless he’s paying for the surgery tell him to fuck off. I’m guessing hes no James bond himself smh

So, he's insulted you and made you feel like absolute shit but HE's the one who gets to cry and be the fucking victim??

FUCK THAT!

How exactly is he going to cope with your skin becoming saggy and wrinkly from age?

I wouldn't bother with therapy. I seriously doubt your relationship can recover from this. Get rid of the shallow cunt.

Do you really want to be married to a shallow man who body shames you?
Wouldn't you rather complete your family with a man who loves you unconditionally and fancies the pants off you, whatever your stomach looks like?

I don't think therapy will fix this but perhaps you have to do it to prove to yourself there's nothing fixable here. He might learn to shut up, but the fact that he's been distanced, crying, not a great dad, it all speaks to him distancing himself from the family unit, and he may jump ship. I don't know how you can say he hasn't had his head turned, plenty of women on here who swore their men didn't have time/would never/hated men who cheat have found out in fact they did make time/are hypocrites/fancy some young woman in the office/tube whatever. You can never say never to that, IMO. It doesn't mean full blown affair, it means he's eyeing up other options. He doesn't seem full in with the option to be a great dad and husband to you.

He doesn't come across well. He sounds incredibly shallow.
What does he think happens after having a baby? I can see even Megan Marckle in a recent photo has some baby chub round the middle and her baby is quite big now.
Does he think you are like an elastic band that snaps back after you stretch it because the human body isn't like that. Most people put on a ton of weight, get stretch marks and their body changes completely after childbirth - surely he isn't this naive and just plain stupid.
Is he going to complain about your vagina also?
What will he do when you start ageing, go through the menopause, if you had an injury or an accident that left you with scars?
He doesn't sound like a keeper to me. Ff's, I'd have let rip by now if that was me.

He doesn't want another baby now.
Call me suspicious but I think he is setting you up for it being your fault for him leaving with another woman for not being "perfect".
A normal man doesn't freak out like this over a baby tummy.
I know you don't want to hear this but I think you have to.
It sounds to me like he is playing away, the tears are probably guilt.

Therapy for you is a good idea. I had therapy during and after my divorce, and it helped with a lot more personal issues, not related to my ex. You sound like you could do with some help with your self-esteem, maybe?

I wonder what his body would look like if he'd had a baby
what does his body look like, is he all lean and muscular?

Blimey, this is all a bit mad isn't it.

In the broad brush strokes of life, when you have a loving partner and a young son, if you're allocating so much head space to an inch of flesh, something is just not right.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and messed up. I wouldn't want to shag him. He needs to sort his shit out.

He's definitely not found it easy (who does!?)

Erm.... lots of men?

I don’t see why you would need to go to therapy, he’s the one with the problem.

He needs to address the fact that women’s bodies change after childbirth and get over it.

This isn't about your body OP. This is about a partner who doesn't like being a grown up. To say what he said to you is classic projecting. He's making it out to be your fault when the reality is that he's not coping with real life, real wife and the prospect of completing the family by having another baby.
This is all about him. What he wants. What he thinks he's entitled to. His view of the world sprinkled with fairy dust to keep you onside when he tells you how 'shallow' he feels.
Don't feel as if you have to change for him OP.
He's really not worth it.

My advice is to treat yourself like a Queen.
Fake it until you make it.
Don't pander to him.
Don't take on board his view of you.
Behave as if you are a total goddess because really OP, that's exactly what you are.

Well putting to one side for a minute his issues, if you decided you did want to lose the tummmy, it is possible with exercise. After my third I thought it would never go but tbh just getting back to my original weight did take it off. I still hate the loose skin so I like to wear more lingerie etc. Assuming you're not too pissed off to try, could that work? I feel sorry for both of you tbh! Don't really think it's helpful to make him feel bad about being honest, although given the damage done I guess counselling is a good idea.

I think this is a tough one. If my husband put on a stone on his stomach I think I’d be less attracted to him. I’d still love him the same but would be put off physically. If he felt like this about me I’d want to know and I’d do something about it. If you don’t currently do any exercise then doing some would probably help. I don’t think it necessarily means there’s something else going on, maybe he’s just being honest. It’s a shitty thing to be told and I can understand it being upsetting. I’d be really angry but I’d also want to change things too. My body has completely changed since having a baby and although it’ll never go back to how it was, eating well and exercising has definitely helped. I did it for me so I felt good though. If you’re happy with the way you are, stay like that and tell him you have no intention of changing things and talk about where you go from there.

Poor you OP, this is so sad. I'd feel so insecure and down if my DH said this to me. Even if you were a tiny size 8, I'm sure you'd still have a baby tummy, it's normal. We all changw after babies and as we get older , but love it not just about looks. What is going to happen as you both age , grey and wrinkle? Ditch him and you will find a man who loves you from the inside. This man is damaging