My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

If I were you I know I'd be thinking 'am I really considering ending my marriage over a comment about my tummy?!' but it's just...so much more than that. It reveals so much about his values, how he relates to you and sees you as a person, mother and wife. Its just so - destroying. Like nothing else about you is enough, or the reason why your tummy has changed isn't enough (your child!).
I agree with you that lots of men and women find adjusting to parenthood hard. My DH wasn't perfect and said some stupid, hurtful things instead of just saying he was struggling. We're out the other side now and extremely happy as a family (DS 16 months) and pregnant with our second. I can be understanding of the struggle but I really think what he's said is devastating. He's ripped up any security and faith you have that his opinion of you is one of deep love and respect, ready to accept ups and downs and changes and see the beauty in the sacrifices and joys of a true partnership. I'm so sorry. If I'm being very kind I would say give him a chance to work through this with professional help to see if he's just reacted like a complete dick rather than address some underlying issues, but honestly even the other side of that I think he's changed your relationship fundamentally. If you can't trust him to love you and value you after having a different tummy after carrying his child, how can you be happy with him?
I'm so sorry. You and your child don't deserve this.

I suppose it's possible he is indeed one of those men that only like women before they've had children. If that's the case, then OP, I suggest that you don't want him either. I do think that you should consider leaving him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your tummy. It's normal. It's him that's not, really. It's a shame for him that he's turned out this way because it means he misses out on what could have been a fabulous life with you and your kids. But hey ho -you still get to live that fabulous life, just with someone else and your kids that you will go on to have with that someone else.

We need to know more details about HIS body. Is he perfect?

He was absolutely wrong and out of order to say what he did. Sounds as if he married an image rather than a person, and as other posters have said this reveals a lot about what he sees in a partner and his values in general.

Counselling might work if he approaches it with an open mind. It's possible that putting physical distance between you mean his libido has declined and he is trying to blame you, you need to explore that possibility.

But he does need to take a long look at himself and understand why he said what he did and why it should never happen again.

Yes! Does he have thinning or grey hair? Tell him it’s unattractive.
Buck teeth? A weak chin?
You doing 5 days a week work an then parenting alone for the other two has got to be hard too. If he’s not pulling his weight, he’s not perfect, is he?

I hope his penis isn’t on the small side, either.

@absquatulate makes an interesting point. It's such a small thing to put your whole relationship in jeopardy but sometimes these seemingly small acts of cruelty actually speak volumes. It boggles the mind how he thinks he can expect this not to devastate you. So he either wants to make you feel very small and insecure to wed power or he no longer wants the relationship. This is a horrible thread to read

I think going to therapy together is a brilliant idea to explore this. You might find that is enough or that he has deeper issues etc.

It is really brave of him to be honest (regardless of whether the content of his thoughts are kind, mean or reasonable etc) and exactly what I would have advised him if he posted here saying what do I say to my wife when she asks what is going on with me or should I have an affair now I don't fancy my wife...?

He may think this is about your shelf but it might be about how your relationship has changed, you have lost your erotic selves etc since the baby. Therapy together might help sort all of this!

If you genuinely love a person this really would not matter. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, if he changed physically to give you something you loved so much that you both shared, would you feel disappointed that he wasn’t the same and then withdraw physically and emotionally? If the answer is no, your relationship is not equal and he does not deserve your love.
It’s easier said than done but please consider this, you have one go at this life, ONE. It really is far too short to be trying to hold together a marriage where someone is prepared to make you feel so insecure. If he can’t help being put off then he really does need to grow up and stop assuming women are the polished magazine version that men froth at the mouth over. Normal bodies do not look that way. You are worth more than this - I’m sorry to be harsh but what a pathetic excuse for a man, and what a shame he cried for realising he’s a shallow prick. There are real men in the world who won’t behave this way and you could be genuinely happy and feel adored by someone else.

If you are a stone heavier than before you had the baby and a different body shape he is entitled to tell you, when pressed, if he struggles to find it attractive. Judging by your OP he knows he’s being unreasonable telling you the truth and as such probably does care about you. If he is otherwise a good husband I would try to take his comments on board and try to lose the extra baby weight - as sometimes that in itself can reduce the size of the ‘shelf’.

Are you sure you want another baby with him?

I look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted.

Doesn't sound like he's much help we with the dc he does have...

It couldn't be about your stomach. He's using it as an excuse.

he asked me why am I still so fat
I would have to be held back from giving him a fat lip

What size clothing you wear does not describe your weight. If you are 4ft or 6ft and wearing size 12 then you're going to be extremely obese or quite the opposite.
What people do and don't like about your body is more about their insecurities.
Do you like you? Are you happy to prance about in the nude in front of the mirror or does areas make you cringe?
You also have to think about how your/his feelings on body image will affect your sons perception on his body.
The other side of things is Youth, in about 20 years neither of you will look the same. He needs the counseling if he's struggling with that now, he'll have a midlife crisis if he doesn't get on top of it!
If you are worried about your health then step up and do something. If you are happy, leave it alone. Plenty of other things to be worrying about these days than a bit of wobble.

He became physically and emotionally distant before he dropped his bombshell. There’s something else going on. I hope you find out what it is

If you are 4ft or 6ft and wearing size 12 then you're going to be extremely obese or quite the opposite

Not entirely- a 12 is still the same amount of inches in an outfit. I agree that a 14 can look worse on some people than others, but a 12 isn't big at all.

Less than a stone after a baby isn't much at all OP. I hate to say it but could he be comparing you to someone skinny, either online or IRL? Either way, it's bollox.

He doesn't deserve your body, no matter what he thinks of it.

Hugs xxxxx

I had one like this once: lots of oh so kindly delivered (with tears) fault finding with my body. Pubes too trimmed. Bit too heavy. Boobs a bit big.

He turned out to be gay.

I'm not saying that is the case here but it is never ever about your minor physical quirks.

Incidentally I hope he is a perfect specimen. He's not? And not even childbearing to explain it? .......oh.

How about:

"you don't like my tummy and I think your dick is a bit thin and short. How about we both save up for surgery to get these things sorted?"

Now let that sink into his thick skull and then say:

"I really love you and it upsets me that you find my post baby tummy unattractive/a turn off etc. Neither of us are perfect, I didn't realise how shallow you would become when I first met you, maybe you need some help working with that"

Yes, find fault with his penis and see how he feels, you can cry if you like to show how painful it is for you to be honest about the un-attractiveness of it, or his bald spot, or whatever thing about him is unattractive

I think he should love you even more after having a child together.

Is it an excuse to not have a second child... maybe he is feeling overwhelmed with family life and wants another life. I'm on your side OP.

Or maybe he is just shallow.

It's so hard to move on from a cruel comment like that made by a loved one or anyone. I still can't get over a comment made by a supposedly close friend years ago and I've distanced myself from her as a result. I did bring it up and she apologized and said she didn't even remember saying it. Time has been no healer for me.

I'm not sure what the answer is but going forward you need to think about your self esteem and mental health and you need to be happy. Your partner should support you and make you feel good and vice Versa. I wouldn't want to be with someone like your partner.

Sorry you're going through This

OP is scarcely any heavier than pre-baby right? ("less than a stone" would be maybe 4 kilos I think) So what he has an issue with isn't the weight its the loose skin and stretchmarks. So losing more weight wouldn't make very little difference.

"He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow."

If this is how he genuinely feels he probably should bring it up, but the way he said it just sounds grossly insensitive and actually shallow. What's wrong with him if he can't see how shallow and insensitive he is being? If he actually cried after, that really is quite manipulative.

"he asked me why am I still so fat"

@B1rdbra1n Did he say this though? I've been through OPs posts and I don't think he actually said that. Still, he has always been this thoughtless and insensitive? This shows some very unhealthy personality traits on his part.

Does he have a perfectly honed body that hasn’t changed one iota in the time you’ve known him?
Arsehole 😡

I am long-standing friends with a couple in their 50s. I originally met him through work then got to know her socially about 15 years ago. They are both brilliant, funny, intelligent , lovely people but physically life has happened to both of them and they are a bit overweight and a bit grey and not exactly bright eyed and bushy tailed anymore.

Anyway, a few months ago (pre apocalypse) he and I had to go to an event and ended up absolutely clattered and talking rubbish in the early hours. He told me how utterly he adored her, how she was more beautiful to him now than when they were 20, how, despite 30+ years together, he still couldn’t believe she was his wife, how she made him laugh every day and generally what a lucky bastard he was the day she walked into his life. In vino veritas but a lovely reminder that we all deserve a life partner who loves us unreservedly.

OP, will your husband say those things about you in a few decades time?

Is this the reason he doesn't want another child?

I assume he is some kind of Adonis?

I wouldn't be able to respect a man for this ...the fact that he felt it, said it knowing how cruel it was, then cried. What a pathetic excuse for a man. Things is you've turned a page and can't unread what you've read and things can't be the same. Does he not get that?

He sounds incapable of an adult relationship or family life (and is deserving of neither) Is it possible he is laying the foundations to leave?

You should sit him down and tell him how hurtful his comments are and unrealistic his expectations are of you given you carried and gave birth to his child.