My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

I think some counselling would be beneficial, for him, and for you both as a couple to help you navigate this.
It seems a very extreme reaction, because it sounds like you’re in pretty good shape, and surely the vast majority of people go into parenthood understanding that their/their partners’ body will change and then making allowances for that mentally. Also I’m genuinely puzzled that his entire attracted-ness to you is based around your stomach. Surely you’ve got beautiful eyes and hair and legs, and a wonderful laugh that he also finds attractive?! (And er, personality?!) this is what seems to need the therapy, he’s fixating on one thing. Also, one totally natural thing that you probably can’t change without painful and expensive surgery.
And for the record (as I think you already know) he should be down on his knees worshipping your tummy shelf, because it gave him a beautiful child.

My ex was like this after I had ds when I was 21 he didn't like the fact I had a punch and stretch makes and no longer had my perfect stomach he was emotionally abusive about it despite him having extensive scarring from major surgery on his leg. I still have issues about it even after having 2 dc with dh even though he loves me for me and has never had an issue with my stomach. No self respecting man would ever make some feel like that for bearing their child for 9 months. Hes a waste of space sorry op.

And yes HE needs therapy. You could do couples therapy to talk through how hurt and let down he has made you feel but HE needs his own therapy for HIS problem

I can't believe he actually said that to you

Ive had 3 children and always had an overhang since having my first. I had the flu in January and went down to 7st 10lb..... and i still had an overhang from where my skin stretched from carrying a child.

I'm a size 10 now, fit in size 8-10 jeans ( 8st 6 ) and it is still there!

I dont get what he hoped to gain from telling you this

How old is he? Surely he can't be shocked to find a womans body changes after having a baby

Have you told him that technically he's the one who has done this to you?

Unfortunately I couldn't come back from that. What happens as you age, will he trade you in for a younger, firmer model?

Is he 15 years old or something? It reminds me of that film Shallow Hal where that fat ugly man wouldn’t date that stunning woman because her second toe was longer than her big toe. How can you not fancy someone because they’ve carried your child? I should hope he does feel guilty because the problem is his. Please don’t risk surgery to try and impress him because then he’ll use the excuse that he finds scars unattractive or other such nonsense. How attractive do you think you’ll be when you’re both getting older? He has ulterior motives. I don’t think your belly is the problem. If his love can’t evolve past 1 dress size he isn’t in it for the long run.

I think it's shit but understandable. Human beings are often superficial and it's understandable he may feel less attracted to you. That's not by any means nice and I think he's aware of that.

I think you need to decide how you feel about your body - do you feel less in love with it regardless of what he said? Has it changed how you dress etc?

I think you should start exercising because that's just a benefit to your health, not for weight reasons.

Definitely go to therapy together, perhaps there's some online literature you can read in the mean time.

Try not to be angry with him and try to rediscover why you love each other - that will be beyond the superficial.

Good luck.

Op I am so sorry for you.
You gave him a family and this is his reward? I don't think I could stay with someone like him but it's your call and perhaps therapy can work.
Sending you hugs, this must be devastating xxx

I personally would find that unforgivable. You're in a lifelong partnership. You'll age. What then? I would have lost all respect for my husband the moment he said that. I'd be slightly more sympathetic (and I'm stretching it) if you'd put on 4 stone and looked very different but even then I'd be struggling to find something nice to say

Has he got someone else? someone with a thin perfect body?

I agree this is bullshit.

Size 12 isn't big. Even if it was, he's treating you in a disrespectful and slightly unhinged way.

You could wear lingerie or something over your tummy but I suspect the problem is with him.

Tell him you're too exhausted to lose weight but it might help if he stepped up with housework and childcare.

He's either very very shallow or it's an excuse/lie to cover up something else. My tummy is horrid - stretchmarks, c section pouch and scar, carrying extra weight and DH has NEVER made me feel self-conscious about it. In fact, if he ever did complain like yours had I'd hit the fucking roof. I couldn't give a shit how much he cried afterwards - I'd honestly go mad at him and make him feel just as bad as he has made you feel. And then think very very hard about where this relationship is going.

I know you don't want to hear it OP, but can you actually live like this - with a husband whose love for you is so contingent upon your physical attributes. You could get a tummy tuck (not suggesting that you should) and all would be well for a while until you develop wrinkles or grey hair or some other imperfection.

This is a major red flag

I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child.

I think you need to explore this with him more, on reflection. As others have said, I don't think this is just about your tummy, especially with this comment from him in mind.

Some men really struggle with the birth, and/or with adjusting to be a parent. If he can think about it and decide which is more likely to be the issue, you could ask the hospital for a debrief on the birth - they could get your notes and talk through what happened, this can be very helpful. If it's parenting, you could ask your health visitors if they can support or point you in the direction of someone locally who could help. He may just need to talk about things.

Or, just go straight for general counselling and see if they can find the source of the issue, if he's not sure.

Good luck!

Op - I’m so sorry that he said that to you. You really don’t deserve to be made to feel self conscious. You are obviously a healthy weight and well done for looking after yourself enough while working full time and having a baby as well as putting up with your twat of a dh

I’m sorry to say I feel you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands. I think what your dh has said is abusive. It’s not uncommon unfortunately for some men to behave abusively when a baby arrives.
I suspect your dh is manipulating you deliberately.

Don’t think about your body op. Look at your dh’s behaviour. Think about what he’s saying to you.

This was my first thought too.
Were those tears guilt about cheating, of the confusion of having 2 women in his life?

I would get highly suspicious but hope that I'm wrong about this one.

If he really loved you and was attracted to you he wouldn’t be bothered by your tummy. To hone in on one specific feature is really odd.

As Dh has aged he has developed bit of a gut, spindly arms and less muscle definition and doesn’t dress as smartly/look after himself as well as he used to - but I still fancy the arse off him, as he does me, with all my stretch marks/cellulite etc.
If you love one another you don’t focus on one imperfect aspect of your lovers body and I think it’s especially weird for a man to care as most men would just be glad to have a woman offering sex tbh.

Could he possibly be watching a lot of porn? Has he become immune to “normal” bodies and desires perfection (which of course, in real life without makeup & lighting, wouldn’t be perfect at all)?

I would be so, so hurt by this too and don’t think I’d be able to get over it. He has let pandora out of the box and it can’t be unsaid. I fear you will suffer from massive confidence issues if you stay with him.

I think deep down you know there is something else OP. Look at the whole picture and how he is blaming you. Your want another child, he doesn't like your stomach ..

I put on 4 stone over a period of my last two pregnancies and my OH did eventually bring up that he thought I was damaging myself and that I needed to lose weight - I don’t think he was out of order because my eating habits aware to blame (and breastfeeding) but you’ve barely put anything on and like you especially after losing half the weight my stomach has a mum overhang which no amount of running will make it go away.

He’s alwful to say this to you and I agree with other posters that I think he’s gaslighting you to make relationship problems your fault, I expect an affair is likely to happen in the future if not already. Please look up the script and see if there are any other red flags.

He cried did he. Wanker.

My flippant answer is you find someone less shallow, more loving who appreciates you but that's easy to say from here.

This is his problem to fix. You brought his babies into the world - of course your body has changed. Not to mention your stressful job.

No, it's not understandable. Marriage isn't a superficial date, it's a life-long commitment, and at times, we are all challenged by the passing of the years, weight gain, people get sick, disabled, no-one, not even Melania Trump or Joan Collins or whoever, have the body they had a 25. It's just physically impossible. Even with surgery.

So- you either accept this as a mature person or you are too immature to be in a marriage for a lifetime.

I don't think this means, by the way, that you have to constantly fancy the other person, and if they do put on a large amount of weight or change appearance, you might not feel quite the physical way you did before, but usually people are making love to the whole person, laughing at the jokes of the whole person and seeing the whole person as someone they value, even despite the fact they might prefer it if they still had a six pack.

I mean, it's one thing to secretly wish your wife had a pre-baby body, on a superficial level and know you are ridiculous, and it's another to start blubbing about it and letting it collapse your entire marriage! The guy's a loser and if you are in the mind-set to try to superficially please him now, you never will.

He's trying to punish you because he's jealous of the relationship between you and your son.
When it was just the two of you, he got all your attention. Now another 'man' or 'sibling' has moved into your nest.
Diddums is very annoyed with Mummy and so tells Mummy she's a bad and ugly Mummy.
This is ALL to do with your DH and his past relationships with his siblings and his mother.
I suspect there are issues there in those relationships. Did he come straight into your house from his Mother's house or from another relationship?
He's fucked up. You can't fix him. But DO NOT take this shit off him.
Tell him loudly if he EVER says that to you again he is OUT that Fucking Door. It's highly likely that he will never ever say anything like that to you again if you show him who's boss.
I would also ask him 'are you sometimes angry at me or DS because I don't give you as much attention as I used to'. Just see if that strikes a chord.

Those words were a fatal wound to your relationship, I think.

You have excess skin and fat on your belly because you carried HIS baby for 42 weeks and endured all kinds of pain and discomfort doing so. And he doesn't like your body for it.

I'm sorry, but he's an arsehole. He should love you even more for being the person in your marriage to have that burden on you and your body ... but he withdraws from you instead? Arsehole.

He is projecting on to you and trying to find something to blame. There’s something else going on. He shouldn’t have told
You that anyway