My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

@bubblybarra
Ffs another one who'd completely missed the point. Have you read the whole thread?

Size 12 - after baby. Thats pretty good!!

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here.

My DH loves my tummy. It carried 2 babies before I met him that he loves as his own and another two on top. It's pretty huge, flabby, plastered in stretch marks and gets really sore around my bikini line like the skin is paper thin. He rubs body butter onto my skin as I struggle with it at times. He kisses my stretch marks and thanks my wobble for housing his babies. He looks at it like the amazing baby protecting cocoon that it is. Not once has he made my body feel anything but miraculous ( despite me being five stone heavier now than when we met),

That tummy housed your baby. Yours and his. Yes it's shown signs of trauma, that is what happens when your body is lived in by another person. He is incredibly shallow and while I totally respect that you are going to look into therapy together/apart I think he has already permanently unhitched his life goals from yours and just wants you to carry on with one kid at the expense of your own happiness.

In other words, his happiness is more important. He has a Male child ( his mother's words are valid here) and doesn't need anymore. He may even see your son as a as challenge. He has a live in house keeper whose feelings he doesn't respect in any way. If he did he would not say things that's he did.

Bubblybarbara Your post is the equivalent of hitting someone with a pastry rolling pin and calling it cooking

Think it's fair to say I'm back in the pit again. Not even over tummygate, I honestly don't think I can ever accept his 180 decision on not having another child. We'd had so many talks way before marriage about how important it was for me to have more than one child, he'd always said he wanted that too but drew the line at 3 (I'd have been open to that but respected that 3 would be too much). I feel a little damned either way- stay in the marriage and always feel partly miserable that I haven't got the family that we'd agreed on, or leave... And break up my son's family and still not have another child. (I swear to god I'd never go through the whole dating or relationship thing ever again!) I jusy honestly can't see me ever being OK with this but I also know I can't change his mind.

I haven’t read the whole thread @mummabubs but maybe Councelling would be helpful (apologies if your did. go)
Also I’ve been married a long time and at different times me and my DH have never been on the same page about the right time to try for another. Now I am older and can’t have anymore and we both wish we had tried for more children. So I think his feelings on this are not unusual. It’s usually fear based. I hope you manage to work it all out.
One option would be to ask him if he is just willing for you both to stop all contraception and just see what happens. So not trying but not not trying. Would he be open to that? Would it take the pressure off? Maybe not

Its not much of family as is, you aint breaking it up its already broken.

Hi OP

I agree with others he needs counselling or to be more honest with you about where that comment came from as it could be loads of things, like -

• for some reason he wants to keep you feeling unconfident or shit eg he wants to leave but is scared of being the bad guy and wants you to end things and take the decision out of his hands
• he really is that shallow and his views on women are solely reflected on how aesthetically pleasing they are, compared with airbrushed / porn type images
• it has somehow got mixed up in his head about having another baby, eg it reminds him of your pregnancy and it's not your stomach he hates at all, its genuinely the thought of having another child.

I feel for you with the second child thing, it I horrible if you've had a vision of what your life was going to be like and its snatched away. I have been there. But equally nobody knows how they are going to take to parenthood and if it's really more unfulfilling and difficult than he thought, would it be fair of him to have another just to make you happy? Are his concerns or worries about a second child valid?

There are a few other things that jump out to me from your posts -
A lot of your posts focus on him and how he is feeling and not on your own feelings and what you can do about them. Is this reflective of your overall relationship? It sounds like you had to comfort him over him crying about how horrible his comment was, that's not right! Maybe you need to put yourself first more?

He tried for a baby for 3 months with you when he didnt really want one - this is worrying that he had big concerns and you had to tease them out of him, it sounds like he has issues communicating

He doesn't tell you that he doesnt want another child because he doesnt want to upset you, but does tell you that he doesn't like one specific body part that is impossible to change without surgery without apparently realising that a comment like that will stay with you forever and apparently no worry about upsetting you. How dare he do that to you!

To be honest you can work on a lot of your relationship issues if you are both very invested and want to put the effort in. But you are always going to remember what he said, its going to be there every time he touches you or you get dressed infront of him, and that's what makes it so horrible.

OP,

Leave him and have the family you wanted.

Who does he think he is? I went through something similar as you during a awful post c section, and I couldn't even believe anyone could be that cruel. I literally would watch my DH in disbelief as if I was dreaming. I was literally shaken to the core and I'm practically unshackle due to my job training.

I honestly don't want another child due to my traumatic birth but if I did, I wouldn't let my DH tell me no. Go find someone else who doesn't denigrate your body shape AND who wants another baby.

They dont change. He sounds like my husband-Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde

I just want to say one last thing- a man who does this to his partner right after birth is scum. It's not comparable to someone giving you a nudge about your weight maybe after a year, the roughest year raising an infant.

It's not you; it's him. He has issues and youre his punching bag. You are not a blow up doll, but a human who just carried another human into the world.

I believe only sociopaths say stuff like this after birth. Most normal husbands love watching their new wife/new mom with their baby. He is awful!!!

Did you say you are 31? You have lots of time in your side. There is a 9 year age gap between my 2 children - and it works brilliantly, they adore each other. I found the first few years such a huge adjustment, I wasn’t ready for sex - or to conceive again for quite some time. What is his reason for not wanting a second child?

I would have no respect for him. He would be out the door.

I’m wondering if the tum thing is more to do with your ‘mummy-ness’ and that you really want to conceive again - whereas he is not sure.

I echo what AnotherEmma said on page 11.

I am worried about you, OP. I agree that throwing in the towel on a marriage is not easy, or giving up on someone you love. I respect that. On the other hand, I wasted the best years of my life on unworthy men. Please don't end up like me. You're young - only 31 - and trust me, time is on your side.

Maybe you feel you owe it to yourself to give this another shot, but it sounds to me as though your husband doesn't know what he wants. Or he is just incredibly immature. Or he has had his head turned. Unfortunately, in my experience, when they don't know what they want, it's usually because there's another woman waiting in the wings.

My ex flip-flopped like this. I went to therapy, alone, and the therapist asked me: "What do you think you will gain from being with someone who doesn't know what they want? Do you think you will ever have peace of mind with him?"
That stayed with me. We broke up and soon after I found out about his OW and he moved in with her.

You sound lovely and deserve so much more. Please don't try so hard to hold on to him - let nature take its course. There comes a time in life when we reach a fork in the road with someone - the point at which we both want to walk different paths and it's time to part ways. Let him go honey. There is a better life and a happier future for you beyond this relationship.

A good friend of mine, sadly no longer with us, was in a long marriage with a bloke who said horrible things about her appearance. She struggled with her weight and he wouldn't have sex with her, only with a series of OW. She made a huge effort and eventually lost the weight but he still wouldn't have sex with her, just found new excuses.

She divorced him after 20-odd years and eventually met someone who absolutely worshipped her and was completely devoted to her, and she wasn't a size 12! (neither am I), and he never left her side till the day she sadly passed away. To this day he still calls her his soul mate. My friend's last decade was a very happy one with her new partner. She said to me: "I wish I hadn't stayed with my ex so long. But I did because I didn't believe in myself - I believed the bad things he said about my appearance and thought no one would want me. But since we divorced my life has been lovely."

I say this because you could have this happiness too. You don't have to accept the treatment your H is meting out. As for asking him if there was someone else, and he said No, and you believe him, I'm sorry to say that happened to me too. They say that liars can't look you in the eye but that's not true. My ex did, and was very convincing. He was a good liar.

Please prepare yourself OP for the fact that it may not be possible to save your marriage. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace xx

I feel a little damned either way- stay in the marriage and always feel partly miserable that I haven't got the family that we'd agreed on, or leave... And break up my son's family and still not have another child. (I swear to god I'd never go through the whole dating or relationship thing ever again!) I jusy honestly can't see me ever being OK with this but I also know I can't change his mind

OP, your DS is only young. You would be best of leaving now while he is young and easily adjustable

Your not breaking up your sons family if you leave. Your partner has done that by changing his mind about somthing you agreed upon and his awful comments about your body

Im not pushing you to leave, what you do is your choice

But please don't let yourself be miserable for years for no reason. You really woulsnt be breaking up your sons family, he will still have a family but he will have a happier mum and maybe a sibling in a few years

Your not damned either way, you can go and have the family that you wanted and your DS will still be happy and cared for

Agree with above. If you want to give your DS a sibling, I think the joy of a brother/sister for your DS, a happy and appreciated mum will far outweigh the miserable situation of staying with your DH. You still have time, and your DS is young.

If you want to give your DS a sibling, I think the joy of a brother/sister for your DS, a happy and appreciated mum will far outweigh the miserable situation of staying with your DH.

While his DM may well be happier away from the DH, it’s a bit much to assume the DS is “miserable” living with his dad.

I didn’t say that DS was miserable? I said that OP felt miserable.

He might not be a miserable child now but he will be when he is old enough to see how unhappy his mum is because of his dad.

The awful truth is there are a lot of sensationally shallow and cruel people around. He cried? He's disgusting.
Men like this think all women should have taught busty bodies like those scroll past absently on Instagram and don't have the sense to grasp that real people often don't look anything like that.

I think there is more to this also, maybe the shock of how time consuming and demanding having a little one is. Size 12 is still smaller than an average uk person. Defo go to the couples counselling and see if he can expand on where all this is coming from, you've just made him a baby 🫠 what does he expect! Hope your okay, I'd be feeling really hurt and upset if my partner said this too me Xx

"He never wants to have another child"

Has he booked a vasectomy?

No sex ever without condoms

Are his words the same as his actions ?

He sounds immature & selfish