My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

Sounds like he's using the tummy thing as an excuse not to have sex. I suspect this is more about not wanting another child...

doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight.
I won't bother to repeat what everyone else says, but does he even understand that having loose, excess skin is not being fat? You aren't overweight; have you explained that to him? Maybe google some articles explaining what loose skin is?!
I am slim but never lost the loose skin. A healthy diet and exercise trimmed me up - but years later, when it was possible for me to get proper exercise. Not just after a baby when you're busy.

Also, are you/is he sure that it's the change of shape that's the issue, not your transition from sexy girlfriend to mummy?

Wow, did he seriously think you could grow a whole new person inside your body and just spring back to exactly what you were before doing that? I’d like to see him try. Is he this immature in every other area? Is he aware that this is what happens to most women and the women who don’t look this way are either just genetically lucky or have had surgery etc? I’m gobsmacked, I know you don’t want to hear it, but what an arsehole!

I was really slim when I got pregnant and have had two pretty big babies and my stomach is nothing like it was before. I’m also around a size twelve now. My husband still finds me very attractive! He didn’t only like me for my abdomen and he saw the reality of pregnancy and childbirth and what I and other women actually go through to have children. What kind of a person sees all of that and then goes “and actually, could you also now have an operation/go on a diet and exercise regime to look the way I think you should?” Even the crying and feeling sorry for himself for upsetting you is pathetic. He’s not the victim here.

Yeh also he is crying due to hidden guilt about something, not because he feels bad.

Gosh, so many replies already. Thank you all. Afraid as I use the android app I can't go back and forth to select individual comments, but in response to several points:

I don't believe he's having an affair or being deliberately manipulative, it's difficult to explain on an online forum but suffice to say I'm not naive to this but truly don't think this features here. I do however agree that there is likely more to this than my tummy, which I'm hoping therapy can help to unpick.

I've never been body confident really so can't say that the blame there lies entirely with "D"H, however his comments haven't helped and I find myself feeling ashamed of my body in a way that I wasn't before. I feel like he has a lot of making up to do in order to demonstrate that he loves me, but don't know how thay will meaningfully happen at the moment (another one for therapy!)

As well as agreeing with other PP's can I also point out that he is not going to cope with aging either.

He is not a Life Partner. Please get all the help and support you can to be strong without him.

I had an emergency Ceasarian over 40 years ago and my tummy scar was huge, vertical and ugly. I thought no man will ever sleep with me again.

I needed therapy because I was traumatised.......and once I was able to cope with how I looked I never found the scar did repel anyone. I went on to have relationships and sex happily before settling into a new relationship with a man who did not have any kids and was not put off by a scar and bulgy soft tummy........That is scar with puckering nothing neat. Plus breasts altered by breast feeding.

It is 100% on him I wish you well, you deserve man who really loves you and is not shallow.
None of us stay perfect.

How old is he? He seems to have very immature expectations. We all get older and uglier and finding your partner less physically attractive over time is perfectly normal, but marriage is a commitment to stay together despite that, because love is more than skin deep.

Wow! That’s really shallow of him.

You managed to grow an entire human being, then squeeze it out of you. He is now saying he only fancied you because you had a flat abdomen!

He thinks nothing of your child rearing, house keeping, or your pretty face let alone your humour, generosity, sweet nature, quick wit, great cooking, your love for him, your loyalty, intelligence, terrific taste in all things fashion, your charm.....you get the idea. He’s basically telling you, you had one nice attribute.

I’d be furious and looking for the real reason.

I was a size 4/6 when I met my husband. I’m now a 12/14. He’d be sleeping on the sofa if he told me my wobbly belly put him off.

That's really hard, I'm sorry he put you in this horrible position.

I don't generally subscribe to the idea that our partners have no right to find us less attractive if we gain weight. If my DH put on a lot of weight due to poor eating and losing interest in physical activity then I would find that off-putting. But the thing that would be off-putting would be the behaviour behind it, not the actual weight gain - one of the things I appreciate about my DH is healthy, balanced approach to life and his determination, and if he suddenly stopped caring about looking after himself then yes, I wouldn't find that attractive.

This is different though - this is a purely physical change in your body brought about by carrying a child. Pre-pregnancy my flat stomach was probably my most attractive feature, and it is a shame that it was completely ravaged by pregnancy (like you I went to 42 weeks and was absolutely enormous). DH doesn't seem bothered though and I don't give much thought to it - if I could click my fingers and fix it, of course I would, but I would never, ever consider surgery and the associated risks to try and fix a cosmetic issue.

I'm not sure what to suggest really, other than your DH clearly needs to take responsibility to work through and get over these feelings. I'm not going to tear him to shreds because I guess he is struggling with this too, but he needs to face up to the fact that he is jeopardising not just his relationship with you but also the well-being of the chance of his child over a flat stomach.

I know you say he feels bad for hurting you, but that he just sounds really fucking shallow. It’s like he’s now trying to make you feel bad that he feels bad. I wonder if he does feel bad at all or if he’s just trying to guilt you into losing weight. You’ve had a child, his child. Women bodies do change after childbirth, he knows that. He’s being absolutely ridiculous and I’d find my partner deeply unattractive if he behaved like this. You've said you know he won’t come across well and you’ve put off posting this, he’s come across as awful because he is awful. I don’t think you can really defend him. I couldn’t be with someone so shallow.

It is your lack of body confidence that allows him to hurt you....that is not blame btw...just if you can get a little help to be confident you will not let him make you feel bad for being who you are. He has a big problem for sure.

A couple of people have asked about how he's found becoming a father, I think this is a crucial part. He's definitely not found it easy (who does!?) and he doesn't feel at times like he's the dad he thought he'd be. A poster recently suggested maybe this is why he's avoided sex, I went on contraception months ago so he's aware no child would be likely to result from anything and it's made no difference.

he is crying due to hidden guilt about something, not because he feels bad
I'd also wonder about this. I wouldn't write off the affair theory too quickly.

So you're forgoing another child for this man and expected to go to therapy about it with him for his shallowness? Honestly? Wow. I'd be re-evaluating the relationship because it's not about your abdomen.

Will he pay for the operation to remove the excess skin?

There isn't 'excess skin' so plenty of surgeons won't touch a person like this. It's also VERY major surgery, passed off a 'tummy' tuck (such a juvenile word) there's a long scar, you have drains, the recovery is no walk in the park at all - and he isn't pulling his weight with regards to childcare for a toddler as it is. She won't be able to so much as lift him for weeks. It's also not at all risk free, Denise Hendry, anyone, and that was 'just' liposuction and not this 'tummy tuck'.

My sister had to have one for extreme diastasis recti after her fourth pregnancy was twins and it was pretty major surgery.

I haven't read the full thread, but all I can say is WTF is wrong with some men. Jesus. You put your body through that and bring life into the world and have to put up with this shit. Pity help you if you ever get breast cancer and need to lose a breast.

What a piece of shit.

I’d hazard a guess at far more going on here. Either that or he has some mental issues.

It’s worth considering that he’s having an affair. And that his tears are because he is guilty and/or he’s knows he’s ending the relationship.

I’d consider divorcing him. The reason why he’s not keen on sex is probably because he feels as through he’s cheating on his mistress.

This was a disgusting thing to say to you. I'm sorry you had to hear it.

The crying was to make you feel worse about it and was calculated, unless he cries regularly about other stuff.

I think, like a previous poster, he's got unrealistic expectations of womens bodies. I would be expecting him to stop watching porn. I had also thought of a possible affair, . The therapy idea is good.

I personally could never have sex with him again, I would feel far too self conscious. Don't get a tummy tuck, get a man who is happy to have sex with you.

Shirley Valentine: 'These are lines of life.' I agree with a previous poster - if this is such an issue for him the marriage will not survive the inevitable changes of life. Do you think he would step up if you were seriously injured or disabled? Nope. He isn't the man you want.

And why wouldn’t he want another child. That doesn’t tally with this crap about your body. The reason for not wanting another child is because he knows he’s playing away and fucking over the family unit.

I think all these post birth celebrities posting pictures 6 weeks after with perfect abs have really messed men up and given them unrealistic expectations. Even in the cases where these women don't have surgery (which I'm sure is literally 1%), they have nannies, chauffeurs, housekeepers, gardeners, chefs and fulk time personal trainers to do everything while they function on 8 hours of exercise and barely any food to lose the baby weight. And then some idiot men have the gall to say Kate Hudson, Beyonce and that instamum did it why can't you? You are the lazy one

OP he has a problem and needs to fix it for your marriage's sake not you. Please don't have surgery to make him happy. If anything were to go wrong or you have any complications you will blame him and feel resentful for it because it's not something you chose to do in the first place.

I don't think there is any coming back from this. You will never feel able to trust or be comfortable with him again.
He's an awful bastard.

So was he happy having sex before it became let's try for another baby?

Then it takes him 3 months of actively trying for a baby to tell you he doesn't want another?

Then another how ever many months to this year to tell you he doesn't like your tummy?

This doesn't sit right with me. Is he working from home at the moment? Could he be having even an emotional affair and is not able to see other woman?

I have been married to Dh for 20 years and my body has gone through a lot, operations, 2 c sections, over hang belly, disability that means I am carrying more weight than I would want. He still makes me feel like the 22 year old I was when he met me. He worships every inch of me. He has changed too, and I still fancy the arse off him.

To quote Shakespeare “Love is not love which alters it when alteration finds" otherwise everyone would be divorcing after 20 years, saying well I didn't marry those wrinkles on your face!

What a gem. I would have said, I agree, we shall go our separate ways because actually I find your receding hairline, varicose veins, beer belly, small dick/drooping balls/ other, a complete turn off. & I would mean it.

I think he's deflecting too and there's something else going on. What you've described is natural after having a child. You carried his child and he should have more respect for you.

I've never been body confident really so can't say that the blame there lies entirely with "D"H
Nope, the blame lies entirely with him, sorry. What are you meant to have done?
Google some pictures of other women's post-baby bodies. That's what we all look like!