My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

OP I'm really sorry but it does sound like he's checked out, but he's basically chicken shit and won't end it himself. He may go to therapy, but that'll likely be a way to string this out. He said something he knows to be deeply hurtful deliberately: he could have just said "I think I need therapy" and not commented on your body. But he chose to hurt you, to say something unforgivable, to push you away.

He knows not wanting a second child is deeply hurtful. But it hasn't made him think differently.

You need to sure up your own situation. Let him go to therapy. In the meantime, if you want to stay with him, because he makes you feel goid, not because he's "a good father" or "I don't want to break the family up" (it wouldn't be you doing that btw, he's the one being horrible).

You need to do what you can to make sure you're financially protected if he just ups and leaves. I'm not saying he's about to do that, but he's also not saying the sort of things that men who want to stay married say. If you make sure you'll have somewhere to stay and he can't empty the joint account or leave you in debt then the worst that can happen is you're protected. If he says, then it changes nothing.

Stop thinking about him and think about yourself. It's clear he's not, not really.

This would be a marriage ending moment for me, and I really don’t say this lightly. It sounds like such a small thing but it’s really, really not. Other posters have articulated it more clearly than I can.

I’ve had a marriage ending moment, though I’m still married, but it changed everything. It opened my eyes to the something I hadn’t been able to see about dh, and then couldn’t unsee. I won’t go into details as this is your thread. But everything changed afterwards. I didn’t leave (coward) but I came to an acceptance that he might, and I was no longer able to put my needs aside just to hold onto him. I became much more demanding (not quite the right word) and he had to step up and frankly grow up in order to keep me. Our marriage is stronger because of it.

Do you still find him attractive, or sex with him attractive? The kindness of your responses makes me wonder if you’re responding to him from a maternal place; wondering about the effect of his upbringing, etc. Your compassion for him is admirable but it is hard to sustain passion for someone when they seem more child than man.

I think you need to do some thinking about what you want out of life.
Worst case scenario- he leaves you in your 40s for a younger woman and has a family with her. Would you still feel that you did the right thing in choosing him over the chance of more children?
I know that’s an extreme example, but honestly a man who is put off by a small change in your body is not one that I’d be banking on for a long term commitment.

Also, is this the only incident of emotional abuse or emotional manipulation in your marriage?

I wouldn’t end the marriage. Go for dinner have a clear talk on what you BOTH want and how of if you want to move forward. Maybe counselling.

There aren’t enough to convey my thoughts on how pathetic he is.

I think your only solution is therapy. I don’t think everyone necessarily likes every bit of their partner’s body but when it gets to the stage you are at when it’s affecting things - then I can’t see how you can get past this without therapy. It took my husband 12 years to tell me watching my c section really affected him and how he felt about my body. He did the ‘right’ thing and didn’t upset me with his honesty at the time because he knew that fundamentally it was because I was carrying his twins and they needed to be delivered safely. In reality, it would have been better if he felt comfortable discussing with me as we could have had therapy. People can not help or control feelings they have - it’s how they choose to manage their subsequent behaviour that counts. Have therapy - explore his feelings and your feelings and go from there. You will either become closer after this or it will break you apart...but if you bury it - it will surface again and more likely break you apart.

How are you feeling op?

Go for dinner
Rainsun are you in a parallel universe somewhere? How do we get there, please?

So sorry op. I echo what others have said about him

Where can they go for dinner?!

No. The comments are shocking. But OP states been married for 7 years from my understanding she didn’t want to get divorced before his comment. So personally I wouldn’t get divorced based on a comment! As this seems to be the icing on the cake. I would just rather work through if I could.

Many friends will advise you to leave when the shoes on the other foot are they leaving??!!

Yes but where can they go for dinner.....

Ohh sorry yes I have now realised I was in my own world clearly.
Point was though I just think some advising to throw away marriage wouldn’t actually do the same in OP shoes.... sounds hasty.

@Rainsun1 - how long do you think a woman has to stay in a marriage that’s not working for her ? The Op said that her H changed his mind about more children last year, but she tried to deal with it and stayed.

Now there’s no sex and he’s emotionally distant. She went on contraception ( I assume the pill ) for his sake buy he’s still not interested.

She’s even talked to him about her having major surgery to deal with HIS psychological issue.

She’s thought about exercise and losing weight.

Meanwhile he’s done nothing.

But you think her marriage will all be fixed by a chat over dinner??

In your opinion, the OP has done nothing to fix it , that she’d be “throwing away the marriage “ and it would all be about a comment and it’s hasty ???

So please do explain - how much does a woman have to put up with and how long does she have to try , single handedly, to fix it?

If it’s so simple and easy to sort, why don’t you tell the OP now how to do it? Because she asking for advice here .

She says that she has talked about it, a lot, over months or years.she has taken action but nothing has worked.

But your advice is “ talk about it “ and you judge her if she leaves. Nice. And hugely helpful obvs.

Op answer this....
How could you ever in a million years let him look at or touch you again knowing he thinks you are so unattractive?

This would absolutely be the end for me.

No discussion.

Divorce.

You do have a point Rainsun - it’s really easy to call LTB from your keyboard and no, many people calling it would not or do not follow their own advice.

However, it is also not ok for this silly, entitled man to feel genuine grief over his wife’s post pregnancy body. He has cried over feeling this way...that’s how deeply entrenched his fantasy ideals are. What do you actually do with that?

It's like this man had some dream of 'owning' the perfect woman with the perfect body, and he's moaning the fact that this real life woman has now developed a defect
It's a bit like crying because someone scratched his car

@NotMyNigel you need to pipe down darling.
I have not read some of the comments (middle) so apologies if I have missed everyone’s comment. I’m not saying it a forceful way of course some women have to leave situations. Like you said OP asked for advice if you read ALL of my comments I was shocked that he was making a fuss over 1 dress size up.
I’m not going to explain anything to you with that jumped up attitude. I don’t think all will be fixed over dinner..... I never stated that once.

I do stand by my opinion that you and probably a lot of women will sit there saying I don’t know why she doesn't leave him... easier said than done than to up and leave though isn’t it. I’m not against leaving I left the father of my child but I tried EVERYTHING first I’m not suggesting OP hasn’t and what I thought was hasty is YOU not OP!! Just so we are clear

@pictish your right it’s not okay him. At the start of the thread I thought the exact. I think I may have read some comments and missed some towards the end. Trouble is with mumsnet what someone writes on mumsnet can sound quite bad and besides we don’t know these people personally.
I have had many friends saying to me even my own mother saying ohhh I wouldn’t put up with it.... well in actual fact she did for 20! Years so I think leaving is far harder!!

Hi all, I decided to step back from mumsnet for a couple of days to take stock. (I never expected to get this many responses in a million years!) I have read each and every one, thank you.

Most importantly... Re: dinner. We are UK based, very much in lockdown so our only going to dinner option remains our table! 🤦🏻‍♀️ We also live in a small new build which is "open living", aka one big room, which hasn't helped the current situation either.

I think a couple of days ago I reached a bit of a pit with it all and felt very, very down. It was a horrible place to be in, but it helped me to really question what I want in life. I also did something I've wanted to do and put off for years, and wrote a compassionate letter to myself. This was a surprisingly powerful act and if anyone else is struggling I'd really recommend googling ideas for how to write one (search compassion focused therapy/ writing a compassionate letter to yourself).

DH and I had another decent and long talk, which was calm on both sides. I know this might not be a popular opinion given what a lot of people have responded, but equally I ask that everyone respects that myself and my husband are the only ones who know the full picture, so this feels like the right decision for us. He has said things that I think are fair, if painful to hear and I've said similar things back to him. We both have things that we want to work on as individuals, a couple and as parents.

I don't know what the future will hold, and I've been very clear with him that changing his mind about having another child may end up being something I can't accept. I think that could well be the case but I also recognise that there are things to be looked at first before we'd even be in a position to consider having another child together. People's responses here really helped me to feel validated in my distress and I thank you all for that.

And I'm sorry for the stupid android app removing all of my paragraphs again, please be assured they existed when I typed it!! 🤦🏻‍♀️

*@judemom I am sorry your husband is so horrible. Why does him having a vasectomy mean you have to stay? Even if he had the operation at your behest it doesn't mean he gets to use the fact he did what you wanted over you. As for staying for your child, how will she feel when she finds out mummy was very unhappy with daddy but stayed for her? It is a hell of a burden for a child.

*@mummabubs I hope everything works out for you and he doesn't abuse your ability to try. Don't stay for any other reason than he has accepted his faults, apologised and become a decent man. Don't sacrifice a baby for him.

All the best OP.

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself to us - take what is useful and that's it.

I hope you both find a happy peace

You can’t choose who or what you find sexually attractive. Either something floats your boat or it doesn’t. His honesty seems refreshing