My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

I think it's a red flag for OW too. If he hasn't actually got one he may have had his head turned or be open to the possibility. The behaviour coupled with a baby to look after just screams it. When men check out emotionally and find something to tear you down about it does two things - 1) confirms in their head after a few times that you are the dowdy, unattractive, boring wife and they are justified in looking elsewhere and 2) shreds your self esteem so you are less likely to kick them to the kerb for their behaviour. Then they get to be the perfect family man who everyone loves in public and have their fun behind the scenes (while their by now downtrodden wife cooks and cleans and washes their undies). I'm the voice of bitter experience though, my ex would never have had an affair, he wasn't the type. Right. Everyone was shocked when what he'd been up to came out. He now lives in his parents spare room as funnily enough none of his liaisons were interested in making it permanent. Whatever it is I hope you can move past it with or without "D"H.

This is a monumental rejection of you.
Do you honestly want to be with such a shallow man.
When all's said and done you are only a size 12!
How dare he change his mind over such a big decision - what a self-centred man. (I wonder what he'll say to your DS when he asks why he hasn't got a little brother or sister).
He's got a lot of power over you.
I'm sorry to say, I think this will turn out to be the beginning of the end for you because you've got far greater depth than this horrible man.

I wouldn't be at all surprised either that his head hasn't been turned and he doesn't want anymore committments with you 💐

He told you in January that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married
Agree with everyone on what this means.

Honestly, his current comments really don't reflect who he usually is and has been as a person for the last 7 years.
This is also typical of affairs.

After we stopped ttc#2 last September we've had sex maybe once or twice, not in the last 4 months at all.
This too.

I did ask him outright a while ago if there was someone else--or someone he's met but not done anything with. He strongly denied this, and I do believe him.
How exactly did he deny it? Was it "No, I'm not having an affair", or was it "How can you even ask me that? You know me so well!" The latter kind of thing is what my ex used to say, as he found it easier than actually lying.

OP I think you have missed the point yourself.

I didn't realise you had posted about him before and your updates have me thinking differently.

I now think that there are so many issues here you need to split up but suggest couples counselling as a way forward to help you both see why.

He is being very unkind - it's not all about him.

I remember my STBHX making a comment about my body roughly two weeks after I'd had our son by Caesarean. I was wearing a pair of his boxers as my little knickers pressed on the wound, and was pottering about the bedroom getting dressed.

"God you look awful" was what he said & it cut me to the quick - he denied it later & then said he was joking - nice!

I have always been slim & don't have much of a tummy, but it is clear that I have had a baby as the skin of my belly is slightly wrinkled - most noticeable when I'm on top & I'm a little self conscious about it.

Current DP doesn't have a problem with it at all - I've asked him - & my son isn't even his FFS.

A few of the replies you have had here are crazy.

You are a woman, with a perfectly normal, healthy body.

You do not need to go to therapy because your husband cannot find your perfectly normal, healthy body attractive.

You do not need to exercise yourself into the ground in the hope of making your perfectly normal, healthy body attractive to your husband.

You do not need to have major surgery for your perfectly normal and healthy body to be found attractive by your husband.

What you do need to do is stop internalising all this bullshit that women have been socialised to internalise.

Whilst you are looking at your self thinking you are the problem you have a husband who is getting away with not pulling his weight in the home and dropping the bombshell of not wanting anymore children into your marriage.

I don't know if he's having an affair or deflecting to make you look inwards instead of taking a long hard look at him. But I do know that the problem is not your perfectly healthy, normal body

I think you should go ahead and have your much wanted second child. With someone other than ‘D’H, obviously!

feminist has nailed it. And so did the poster who re-iterated that line from another poster who finally left her emotionally abusive husband as she was no longer prepared to participate in her own destruction any further. This isn't about your body. This man has checked out. He's not worth hanging onto.

What a discusting thing to say.

Like you I had my first baby and I was left with stretch marks and a pouch. I was a stone heavier. I had my second baby and got a few more stretch marks. My boobs ended up with excess skin. My belly is not toned and it's uneven at the bottom.and wrinkly. But I am slim now and a size 12. When I'm wearing a t shirt you would not know how my belly now looks.

My partner's always tries to give me confidence and compliments. But I don't feel good naked anymore. Despite him showering me with compliments.

Your partner is being cruel. What a thing to say to the women who gave him a family! He caused your body to change with his penis!!! He needs to realise that real women don't look like celebrities. Even the most skinniest models have cellulite or stretch marks. It's all airbrushed and filtered!!! Yes some women ping back. Some don't get stretch marks and some love working out. But plenty of us love the cake and don't want to go to the gym! Why the hell should we.

I don't think I could be with him. He's shallow and unkind. What a crazy reason to not want to complete your family. Punishing you for nature at its finest! You grew a new life. You are amazing and beautiful! I don't think you will feel good about yourself again whilst with him.

Wow. Have not read all the thread but my ex was, I just couldn't live with him, obnoxious, but I had 2 c sections so have a horrendous overhang (why don't surgeons correct this fgs?) yet he never ever made any detrimental comment. He never had any lack of desire for me.
I gave him two amazing children. He always appreciated sex with me.

He does'nt love you or else he would not have chosen to hurt you in such a way you will never be able to forget. He no longer wants another child with you. He has fallen out of love with you. Most men would be proud of a partner who went out to work, looked after child for 2 days on her own and was a size 12. He has the problem not you. I would be telling him he started to show me respect or moved out because I would not be putting up with his shitty behaviour. He is obviously very insecure and immature. You deserve a partner 100 times better than the one you currently have.

My DH has made similar remarks to me in the past. It hurt like hell, esp. after a traumatic birth.

I honestly have never really forgiven him, except now HE Is the one with a saggy body.

I was very unhappy in our marriage for years, but realize now I don't even find him the least bit attractive with his enormous beer gut.

These comments are v. Difficult to get over for me, at least. Who the hell does he think he is?

But after some time. It's come to my realisation that my DH is a womanizer, and self loathing arse that I just pity.

I'm quite attractive, I look the same now. Everyone else tells me that. It took some time to start looking at myself through my own eyes rather than my DH. Now I'm v. Happy, and I could care less what DH thinks. It's liberating!

I also want to add that we don't have sex anymore either due to my own feelings about his character. I honestly don't find him the least bit attractive, but he has put us here. And he doesn't seem to mind. And neither do I.

I really don't believe you can unhear or forget, and it will most likely go in phases, like for a year, you'll feel unattractive, then you start seeing your partner in the same way.

Honestly, it doesn't get better. I've just accepted I married a self loathing ugly man inside and out, and our marriage will never what it should be.

@judemom that is so sad to read. It's there no way you can leave him and find the man you deserve?

Cherchez la femme. I would put money on him having an interest in someone else.

@Candyfloss99

I am entertained and even planed and escape for years. But three years ago he has a vasectomy, tried in phases (bc it never lasts long ) to make me forget the horrendous and unforgivable statements he made about my looks.

I am still entertaining the idea I need a fresh start. With a man who would never treat me that way after being traumatised after c section surgery.

I do get lots of smiles and nods from men when I'm out shopping or coming home from work.

It's that he's had a vasectomy and holds it over my head.

It's become routine to just know I have no sex, ugly to my DH, that my DD absolutely adores her dad like no one else and giggles and puts our face together for a kiss.

If breaks my heart into millions of pieces do hurt my DD an innocent being, so I just get on with it.

I have and entertained (typos)

@Candyfloss99

I live a lie, honestly. when I have confided in some friends, it was always 'leave him!'

And my response of how my DD didn't do anything and to ruin her 'family' kills me more than his detestable comments about my body, my dear friends feel my DD would be happier if we split ip.

Honestly, she's the happiest most joyful beam of light when me and DH are embracing or all together for dinner. She behaves, she laughs so much, she is full of joy. She loves family time more than play dates.

FOR HER IM STAYING AND OK WITH IT.

Why are you doing the brunt of everything and accepting that? Have you ever told him that him being a lazy git is unattractive?

And this

I literally couldn't have done the first 4 weeks without him, he was incredible

I don't understand why women say this. You wouldn't have been pregnant without him so why on earth would you even be trying to do the first 4 weeks alone? No man would ever say this.

LTB for Christ sake!

Go on a strict diet and exercise regime. Get the body of a fucking super model and then divorce him citing his post baby body isn't attractive to you anymore. Twat.

I feel so sick for you, OP. I commented on your January thread when your H announced that he didn’t think he wanted to stay married. He wanted a break from the “pressures of marriage and parenting.” You were already worn down from his chaotic indecisiveness: baby/no baby; moving house/staying put/moving 200 miles away to be close to family. Many thought that an OW was lurking. He ended up blaming shame over not adapting well to fatherhood. You decided to support him and he was contacting a therapist.

Now this cruelty...after all the support and understanding you have given him. It is so clear that this has zero to do with your tummy. He has been checking out and creating distance between you for quite a while. He knew this would humiliate you.

This would be the end for me.

I literally couldn't have done the first 4 weeks without him, he was incredible

I don't understand why women say this. You wouldn't have been pregnant without him so why on earth would you even be trying to do the first 4 weeks alone? No man would ever say this.

I totally agree. The whole idea that a DH helping when a woman is at her weakest makes him incredible is incredible in itself! I would be incredible if I'd moved in and taken care of OP, a stranger, for four weeks. DH gets to be called incredible for helping the mother of his child after a difficult birth at home in their shared house? He acted normally and would have been an utter shit to have done any less!

So many women expect so little of men it's astounding.

Why are so many posters asking about his waistline/hairline/dick size? If that was of importance to the OP they would be well suited and she would not have posted here. OP do you want your children to think this is normal? It is his problem, no one else's and you know you don't have to put up with it. Most women wouldn't.