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Original poster

My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

353 replies

mummabubs · 23/04/2020 15:44

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

OP posts:
EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 24/04/2020 07:38

Could you have a word with his mum and ask her to have a chat with him?

His mum? Confused

Original poster
mummabubs · 24/04/2020 07:40

A lot of the replies are making me think that maybe there would be more value in DH seeking therapy as an individual before we went jointly. You've made good points that there are some things I probably don't want to hear as part of him unpicking what's going on for him.

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 24/04/2020 07:40

Does he admit to using porn?

Corruptedtongue · 24/04/2020 07:42

..and your mum tum is NOT unattractive. However what he said deeply unattractive. HE is the unattractive one here who needs to improve - not you xx

Corruptedtongue · 24/04/2020 07:44

That is an utterly crap and deeply sexist thing that his mum said too:

powkin · 24/04/2020 07:45

I talked to my DH about this last night and he said “the body is just the vessel for the person, it’s the person you love” which is possibly the loveliest thing he’s ever said.

I put on a lot before pregnancy (got pregnant before I could start losing it), during pregnancy and even more after. I have a tummy shelf. I have a scar. I may not like any or these things but it hasn’t put him off me or sex, and he thanks me all the time for everything I’ve put my mind and body through in the last 14 months to bring OUR DD into the world.

AnotherEmma · 24/04/2020 08:05

"I told MiL that DH has sadly changed his mind about having another child and this was really devastating for me, her response was essentially that as we have already had a boy so their family name is continued then that's the main thing isn't it."

Right so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out where he got his sexist attitude from, then!

HappyBirthdayQueenieMarm · 24/04/2020 08:26

Even if you had an.operation he will moan about the scar or something else. See i would find that such a turn off, i could never get over his pathetic stance. I would never want to have sex with a man like that and he would instantly transform into the ugliest creature. Im ot exaggerating when i say i would LTB.

Flipswhitefudge · 24/04/2020 08:28

I'm sure he is an Adonis. What a nasty piece of shit.

rosabug · 24/04/2020 09:16

This is about something deeper. I suspect he is faltering about the relationship and on some level thinks he wants out (maybe he actually does). Your tummy is a neat, partly unconscience way to find an out that passes the buck to you. However, I'm really not convinced therapy will solve this - I really don't - I've had tons - it isn't a magic cure to a specific issue like this. It may however, help him release his feelings of ambivalence towards you, but then the relationship may end.

He may be having some sort of online relationship, porn, or even been having an affair. Or he just feels trapped. But it isn't about your tummy - that is way too easy. By the sounds of it you are not even remotely large anyway.

I also find all the tears suspicious actually. I suspect (from experience) this guy is pretty secretive. Secretive about his feelings - just plain secretive. Possibly passive aggressive.

Sorry you are going through this. It's tough. But one thing i've learned at age 58 is don't be the lobster in the pot. There's lots of other lives out there for you. The grief of an ended relationship passes and you will grow. Give this issue a time-limit (6 - 12 months?) then set yourself free for other lives.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2020 09:35

What on earth is he going to be like when you're 50/60/70?

Menopause brings changes. Age brings changes, even if you stay fit.

The 'In sickness and in health' part of your marriage vows? He won't stand by those either I shouldn't think.

Spiffingly · 24/04/2020 09:41

A poster mentioned porn, and I'm inclined to agree that if he is using porn, he has almost certainly desensitised himself to normal women.
Isn't the saying 'Porn sick, limp dick'?

Friendsofmine · 24/04/2020 09:41

I really do think you shouldn't shut him down by making this just his problem. A good couples therapist will soon suggest it if he actually needs individual therapy.

There is definitely more to it than about your body. This is telling you something important and who knows it might be resolvable Smile

KnockDownNinja · 24/04/2020 09:48

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on your husband.

You can't make a choice regarding attraction. I've been put off people by what I would have previously considered a fairly minor physical imperfection. Some things just give you the ick.

I'm not sure what you can do though. Therapy might help, but it's just therapy, not brainwashing but there isn't "something wrong with him" if he can't be talked into finding someone attractive (if that were possible, people would be a lot more worried about the concept of a "pick-up artist").

It's sort of a catch-22 situation and he's really done the right thing.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 09:56

Oh for God sake, he sounds really pathetic.

Greenkit · 24/04/2020 10:01

@KnockDownNinja

Why are people being harsh?

It's not a first date and he decided he didn't like her body, shallow, but ok

This is someone he chose to be a life long partner, to have a baby with.

Body's change throughout life, you have children, get older, might have cancer and lose boobs or have an accident and have scars.

You are supposed to live that life partner forever, no matter the changes

KnockDownNinja · 24/04/2020 10:22

@Greenkit
He's not saying he doesn't love her. He's saying that he doesn't get the same physiological response to her body that he did before she had a baby.

These are two different things. The guy started crying because he knew telling her this would hurt her but if that's how he felt, that's exactly what he should have done.

Branleuse · 24/04/2020 10:30

Honestly i think its a massive risk that he will have huge issues with the fact you age too.
You dont have to find every single feature of your partner hot. Its not something to cry over. To not be able to fancy them enough to have sex with them or change your mind about children with them is a bit fucking immature though.
I couldnt be doing with it nowadays. Probably in the past I would have just felt terrible and ashamed of myself, but now id see it as a big red flag that this wasnt a life partner of he could only get hard if I looked all young and flawless. Hardly a realistic basis for someone you want to grow old with.

calllaaalllaaammma · 24/04/2020 10:41

@KnockDownNinja

But bodies do change, we age. It’s his mental issue, not her problem.

To me he seems to keep regressing and abdicating adult responsibility:
He is refusing to have a second child (which was your agreement).
Refusing to help at weekends.
Refusing to have sex.

He’s childlike.

Scott72 · 24/04/2020 10:43

To not be able to fancy them enough to have sex with them..

This isn't something someone has much control over though. It does seem very shallow to be so turned off by this, but if that's how he genuinely feels its not really a conscious choice.

KnockDownNinja · 24/04/2020 11:04

@calllaaalllaaammma
I'd love to see what would happen to a man here who described his wife as "abdicating responsibility" for not wanting to have sex.

If one child is putting a strain on a relationship, having a second one isn't very sensible either.

Branleuse · 24/04/2020 11:16

Noones saying its a conscious choice to be an immature little boy.
Fact is, its easy to be sexually interested in some new unblemished love interest.
Keeping an attraction and love strong during the peaks and troughs of life. Wanting sexual intimacy with the person you are supposed to love is not about whether their belly pings back to being flat after having kids.

pinkyredrose · 24/04/2020 11:28

Having read some of your other threads your tummy is most definitely not the problem. It's him, he's emotionally checked out of your marriage. He told you in January that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married ffs. There's definitely something going on with him. Maybe he's being a twat so that you'll leave him and he doesn't have to be the bad guy?

YinMnBlue · 24/04/2020 11:50

OP, I am so sorry, this is massively upsetting. In the rejection of your body and the impact it is having on your desire to have another child.

You can’t go on like this.

For all of us, woman, man, multiple pregnancies with twins or virgin, our bodies are changing and growing older.

You cannot live fearing his response to grey hairs, wrinkles, etc. What if you have an accident or need surgery and have a scar?

I would give him an ultimatum: he has 6 months to seek therapy (it can be done by video call) and decide whether he can sort himself out, and after that you make a decision to go or stay.

You have another 10 years in which to have more kids, with him or without him.

And you deserve not to have your self esteem undermined and your body rejected because his mind has been changed by birth.

Figgygal · 24/04/2020 12:00

Bodies change I’m sure he’s changed since you met too
What will he be like in 10,20,30 years time
I’m 39 and my body is falling apart I just look at food and put weight on and I’m getting rolls in new places which I hate but dh wouldn’t dare judge me on it