My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

@KnockDownNinja
No that's not what he should have done, not at all.
Its damaging and hurtful.
Again, it's not about her stomach, it's something else going on.
And the tears are bullshit.
She cant help her tummy. Even with exercise, it may not go back to how it was. She didn't get pregnant and have a child miraculously, he was a massive part of that. They had a child together.
To then bring attention to part of her body that grew his child for him and be so hurtful is disgraceful and no proper loving partner would do that.
If he doesn't 'fancy ' her anymore he can sod off and find someone else he fancies as the OP would be so.much better off then putting up.with that shit.

Oh, OP. I hope you don't mind me saying but I've read your other threads. What's happened since January? He was supposed to get therapy wasn't he? The conclusion seemed to be that he's been struggling with his mental health. But has he actually done anything about it? Or has he just decided to blame you and your weight gain?

He can't just keep dropping horrible bombshells like he doesn't want a second child (because he doesn't want a disabled child and doesn't want you to put on more weight ), he's not sure whether he wants to stay married and wants a break from marriage and parenting, and now he doesn't find you attractive because you put on a small amount of weight

He just keeps throwing grenades into the relationship, you are being ridiculously understanding and tolerant but whatever his reasons he is breaking your heart every time - and doesn't seem to be particularly concerned about it?

The only possible solution I can see is very good couple's counselling but would he engage and would it be enough??

He is taking you for granted and I think you need to ask yourself whether you should protect yourself from yet more heartbreak and damage to your self esteem, and walk away.

He’s checked out of the marriage. Men don’t do that unless there is someone else.

@Aerial2020
No that's not what he should have done, not at all.
Its damaging and hurtful.
Again, it's not about her stomach, it's something else going on.

She asked him what was going on, he told her. If your crystal ball tells you different then more power to you, but I daresay he knows his own mind better than you do.

She didn't get pregnant and have a child miraculously, he was a massive part of that. They had a child together.

He hasn't left, he hasn't said he doesn't want to be with her, he's even willing to try therapy. He just doesn't want another child. People always talk about how you don't really know how you'll feel about being a parent until you become one and now he knows. He result is that he doesn't want another child.

I honestly hope you all find your Disney prince, with his unwavering ardour, who always looks at you as if you were still on your twenties. I imagine the vast majority of you would be better off with reigning in your expectations though.

He wants a break from parenting? Don't we fucking all sometimes - not all of us have wives to dump the child onto so we can run off and pretend we're a carefree 20 year old again.

coab!

This is one reason why no sane woman could describe herself as CIS. Like anyone could be pleased with a stereotype and expectation set up that effectively makes us responsible for everything and repressing all natural urges and thoughts whilst men are 'understood' and 'coddled' for finding adulthood and the consequences of choosing to become a parent hard bless them.

sorry!

It must be nearly impossible in your position to see this - and I doubt I would - but your marriage is over. He doesn't love you and is looking for a way out.

So far, he's upended your planned family, stopped sex, and made up some horrible, soul-crushing excuse about how your body is the reason for all of this.

You know it's bullshit. Your tummy has nothing at all to do with him checking out of your marriage.

I urge you to go to therapy to work through the end of this relationship and preserve your self esteem. Whatever his problem(s) may be, it's not about your body and it's not something that you can change. Maybe he's cheating, maybe he's decided he doesn't want to be a husband and father... who knows. Don't worry about his reasons; just focus on you and your ds. Leave him and make the family that you want with someone who loves you.

^ Good advice

@Knockdownninja
Ffs. What has a prince got to do with it??
He hasn't left? Wow what lucky woman she is.
Your standards are pretty low.
It's about NOT being a hurtful dickhead and being kind to someone you are meant to love be there for.
And by previous threads by OP, it sounds like he has done a lot more.

@mummabubs

I had the same physical issue ( two big babies, went to 42 weeks ) and Mine has never gone despite weight loss and exercise. I’m now less than 9 stone at 5’5” so slim yet still have the saggy tummy.

So I agree with everyone else that its hard to fix and even if you could, your husband would still have his issues, because they are in his head.

I agree he needs therapy alone - because this isn’t about you or an issue in your marriage. I also agree you might find counselling helpful, because I’m not sure your marriage is going to work long term.

One thing that night help your husband right now is to stop using porn . The bodies in it are not exactly realistic and I suspect that might be a factor.

I’m sorry to ask this, but do you think it’s possible that he might be gay ?

@Aerial2020

Isn't it more hurtful to not be attracted to her, with all that entails even if he did "lie back and think of England", and tell her she's imagining it?

If there's a clear issue, it's something they can address but there's no way of phrasing it without hurting some feelings.

I think couples therapy would be good. Not because he should hear how his words and actions are affecting you. I feel like there must be other things going on for him which need to be explored.

He should hear sorry

@AnotherEmma at times I feel like he's tried to make small changes, but honestly not a lot. Back then he was saying that he wasn't 100% decided on whether he firmly didn't want another child. That's what's changed, is that now he's said it's a definite no. That conversation only happened because I said I felt like we were stuck in limbo with his indecision and not communicating wasn't helping. He says he's known for a while it's a no but didn't know how to tell me as he knew I'd find it deeply upsetting.

And just to recognise what a lot of other posters have said- it's definitely not all about my tummy, although that for me is probably the bit that hurts most as it has implications for how I feel about any physical changes I undergo in the future. All the time we've been together and when we got married I'd (perhaps naively) thought we felt the same about being OK with bodily changes over time.

@KnockDownNinja
As the OP has written more info and also from her info from before there are more damaging things going on as well. It all seems to be linked in together.
To draw attention to something physical that isn't her fault, then yes I do think if he feels that strongly about it then there is no need to be so hurtful. He should leave so her self esteem is no longer shred to bits.
To be that shallow is not love.

"It's definitely not all about my tummy"

None of it, at all, is about your tummy. You've already internalised that cruel attempt by him to make his problems your fault. Some part of you thinks that your body has to something to do with this. It really does not.

You sound like an amazing person, OP. You're going to go on to have a loving, incredible relationship with someone else.

A poster on another thread decided to leave her emotionally abusive husband as she wasn't prepared to contribute to her own self-destruction anymore, that to me was so powerful, take time to think about that @mummabubs

@Aerial2020
Leaving her, with a child, without telling her why. You really think that's the best option?

It's weird how "love" and "wants to fuck" become interchangeable in discussions about a lack of sex which are this way around.

i give up.
I don't know how many times posters can say it's not about her stomach.

Sorry OP that was at @KnockDownNinja who seems to missing the point

@KnockDownNinja misses the point on a lot of threads.

The more I read of this thread, the more I think you should leave separate. Find someone who loves you for everything you are (whilst you have some self esteem left) and have that second child. I think you will regret staying with him (and not having another child).

I have a 5 month old and still look 5 months pregnant! I have diastasis recti and an apron as I gained over 3 stone during pregnancy and a lot of fluid retention. I have always had a really good body and couldn't cope with my body change. My DP had to help me come to terms with my new body and im learning to love it. He tells me off for putting myself down and says look at our beautiful child, my body is amazing, he fancies me more now etc. And I believe him. He loves me for who I am not what I look like and I do think you can change people in that way tbh. My abusive ex would have probably put me down about it and if your DH isn't abusive in any other way then maybe he's not deliberately trying to make you feel crap but I definitely second going to therapy to find out. You deserve more, bodies change with age even without having kids so he clearly has no foresight at least.

Honestly OP his behaviour really does seem to follow The Script, I know you've said you’re sure that he’s not having an affair but I would say there is a very high chance there is someone else - even if at this point it’s an emotional affair, flirting with someone, just thinking about someone else. This is exactly how men act when they are trying to distance themselves due to cheating / planning to cheat..

If this was my DH I would snoop at this point. You need to be 1000% sure he’s not cheating and using this BS to manipulate you before you waste (potentially) years and thousands of pounds on his therapy, whilst you continue to feel terrible about yourself.

I’m truly disgusted by this man and frankly I don’t think you can ever come back from this as you’ll never ever be able to forget what he’s said, no matter how many years of counselling he has.

He told you in January that he wasn't sure he wanted to be married.

Good Lord. He is following the script to a T.
I’m sorry, OP. He’s completely checked out of your marriage. Your stomach is NOT the issue.