What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

What happens if you call his bluff? You suggest an activity, a day later he says he'd like to do the activity but xyz - if you then say that you'll cancel your activity, does he still find an excuse not to do it himself?

I know what I'd call the behaviour. Fucking annoying.

Bizarre, childish, highly irritating... doesn't matter what you'd call it, he should not behave like this.. what the hell is wrong with him?
I'd lay it out straight, exactly what you've put here and ask him WHY.

Self centered, selfish, annoying, cuntish. I'd call his behaviour any or all of those!

You could have a lot of fun with this...

Whatever you would like him to do, take it up as your 'hobby'. You could both cook some lovely meals for each other, for example. Get him to read some books you think would teach him some much needed lessons for example,'Invisible Women' by Caroline Criado Perez.

@mamato3lads it is extremely irritating. It's as if he hates to see me do anything at all. Since he started working from home 4 weeks ago, he has taken the baby out for a walk at lunchtime every day for an hour, and I wasn't getting outside at all. I was also being lazy I guess, just got used to it. But he didn't even notice that I hadn't so much as gone for a walk to exercise for over 4 weeks. I stayed in the house while he walked the baby and our 3 year old napped in her room, and he didn't even realise I hadn't been out at all. Yet I start doing one thing and it's an issue.
Just so so strange and I am completely sick of it.

I think it's quite an immature form of jealousy. It's the kind of thing that siblings under ten do and we call it 'green cheese' in our family (i.e. if you gave a child a lump of green cheese their sibling would also want a lump of green cheese).

It's also a clumsy attempt at controlling you.

@EthelMayFergus I said that to him earlier, that he is like a sibling with an inferiority complex. He is actually an only child, but I don't know how that explains the behaviour as I have no idea what it's like to be an only child.

@randomMess it certainly feels controlling, and manipulative as it makes me stressed and anxious about doing whatever the activity is.

I'd say, ok I'll go for a run at X time and you can go at Y time. And then I'd set an alarm on his phone to go off every single day 10 mins before Y time and absolutely insist that he goes - "but darling! It's so important to you! You told me how much you'd LOVE to do it! Go, go!" I'd even get his running shoes and stand by the door expectantly holding it open for him. I bet he'd be over it within a fortnight.

But why let it stop you running? He can just go before or after you. He could easily go before breakfast because the mornings are light if you go later, or lunchtime. All my immediate family run after I started going regularly. I like it. Means we having more in common. And I feel flattered that me running has turned into something positive.

I think what comes across from your posts, poi's that you just don't seem very happy. You get out for exercise because you want to. It makes you feel better. Your husband's behaviour shouldn't be affecting your motivation like this. He is allowed to be impressed by the positive things you do and find it motivating in terms of his own life choices.

Controlling.

He doesn’t want you to have friends, hobbies, space an identity.

He doesn’t want to cooperate and take his share of time with the kids alone. Selfish.

Your energy, sociability and depth shines a light on his lack of these characteristics.

He wants you all miserable and dull - just like him. He wants to trap you and needs to put you down / hold you back to keep himself afloat.

randomMess it certainly feels controlling, and manipulative as it makes me stressed and anxious about doing whatever the activity is.

But you own your own thoughts. If it is a form of control you are being complicit in it by letting this affect your motivation to doing exercise and other good activities. And all he is doing is finding your good ideas inspiring!

@veryvery I absolutely agree, it SHOULD be because I want to and it does makes me feel better. Until I come home and he launches a discussion about how HE wants to do something too but HE probably can't now because I'M doing something and there's just no time left after that.

@Gutterton pretty much all of this is accurate to how I feel, but I'm just so lost in the bizarre nature of it all. I would've liked him to say "well done" or "glad you enjoyed it", but no, none of that from him.

DH has form for this and I find it some bizarre form of getting one over on you or nothing wanting you to have a perceived advantage (time to pursue an activity). When I had PND my therapist gave me 'homework' of spending an hour an week away from baby doing something I enjoy that is important to me. I messaged DH after the appointment and his immediate response was 'where is my hour to myself'. Stop taking it at face value and read underneath the lines - in my case it was DH wants to be perceived and feel a good dad without doing any childcare, MIL is an emotionally immature martyr and this is DHs view of mothers, a perception that I would have some advantage over him etc. It certainly doesn't come from a caring place.

Just take note of how you feel around him.

Deflated? Confused? Agitated?

Don’t try and work it out in your head - listen to how you feel.

Then tell him. “I feel deflated, unsettled etc when you say x,y,z. If that was an unintended consequence - then please stop”

Sounds like he is holding some contempt and resentment of you.

@blackcat86 yes he is absolutely like this, I call him a "scoreboard" Dad. Everything is an eye for an eye, I can never be seen to be getting anything that he doesn't have (even if he himself is the only person stopping him). It's just very strange and confusing for me.

Ugh I can’t stand this kind of thing, I’ll admit I get quite snappy with any martyr-ish whinging.

he launches a discussion about how HE wants to do something too but HE probably can't now because I'M doing something and there's just no time left after that.

When you say “discussion” are you involved in this chat? Or is it just him talking? I would let him monologue his moan and then say distractedly “sorry- what? You’re going out, are you? See you later then” and turn away and walk off.

Until I come home and he launches a discussion about how HE wants to do something too but HE probably can't now because I'M doing something and there's just no time left after that.

I would probably just laugh and point out how ridiculous that is. If he can spend half an hour in the bathroom he can spend half an hour going out for a run or even 10 minutes or even 5 if he sprints he will build up fitness in a very short amount of time spent.

It's plain old controlling
He knows there's quite a chance that once he tries to move in on your interests you'll give them up.
He also sounds passive aggressive so, instead of telling you he's pissed off that you were out running or whatever he does the whole ' Oh I would have liked to do something like that but, well, you know, someone has to stay at home' poor me type stuff.
Loved the suggested response from KatnissK Absolutely perfect, kill him with kindness, bet he'll soon shut up

@blackcat86 no wonder you got PND with all that crap dropped on you

And next time you clean the bathroom tell him how fulfilling it is!

I’d call his bluff every time he ‘wants’ to do something. Ask him what time he’s like to go for his run at as you’ll go either before or after so you both have a chance to exercise.
He can’t really get out of that one.

Same with his other things. As soon as he says ‘I’d love to do a (insert activity) class but you go out so I can’t, just retort with no problem, I’ll do my xxx on Tuesday at 7pm and you can do yours on Wednesday at 7pm.

Don’t let him play games. He has no intention of doing the things and is using you as an excuse to not do them.
Fuck that.
Tell him you should both have equal time to have hobbies. Don’t take any crap.
Once he realises you’re not biting he might actually do something.

If keep a diary of them too. So when he says he never uses you as an excuse you can go to your diary/phone notes and say
yeah, on xx date you said you wanted to take up boxing but as I do night school on Tuesday nights you couldn’t. You could have done it another night but chose not to. Then on xx date you said you youd like to do couch to 5k but said you didn’t want to go out late, even though I said you could go at 6pm, 7pm or 8pm and I would do childcare. Then on (etc).....

He’s a fanny. Play him at his own game. He’ll soon tire.

Honestly, you sound like you are having a bit of sibling rivalry with him. I can see how his behaviour is a younger sibling “me too” it is no doubt annoying but that cry of “me too” is usually about someone who admires what you are doing and wants to join you in doing the same activity. Like every elder sibling, you are rolling your eyes and pushing away the younger sibling.

You did Day 1 of C25K and when he expresses maybe doing it with you but he’s doubtful that is possible (for very good reason being you have young children), your reaction is essentially that of an older sibling reacting to a cry of “me too” you have expressed essentially the following thoughts-
“it was my idea first and now he wants to do it too, so I don’t want to anymore because it should be my thing to do”

It’s an unhealthy pattern but you are fully complicit in it.

@PlanDeRaccordement I never say that I don't want him to do it. It's the way he manipulates me into not wanting to continue with my plans/activities because of how he can't do what he wants then.
He will model this behaviour retrospectively too. Last weekend, I had a group video chat with friends on Saturday evening. I told him about it in the morning as he needed to put the baby down that evening while I chatted. He'd had the option of joining his colleagues for a chat on Friday evening, but we'd made plans to watch a film together and get a takeaway. He only told me about the plans for the call when he returned from the takeaway, threw the food on the counter and said "your food is there, I'm gonna chat to some work mates". I was surprised but said OK no problem I'll eat my chips on the couch. He eventually decided he didn't want to chat with them and came and sat with me instead. I did actively encourage him to join the call just for a bit of banter but he said he'd rather just eat.
I had my video chat the next evening with some friends/couples I know, he even joined in on it after the kids were in bed. The following day he then managed to bring up the fact that I "got" my video call and he didn't, and it was my fault etc. I had told him forget about the film and chat to his colleagues (he is not close with them at all so I think that's why he declined in the end) but of course it was my fault that I followed through with mine and he didn't. It's just. So. Irritating.

It seems all so petty and I'm honestly wondering half the time what he is even arguing about.