What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

Yes his behaviour is covertly abusive. He holds you in contempt (though he might not even be aware of that) so his knee-jerk reaction is to clip your wings. But he does it v subtly, enough under the radar that you would sound an irrational petty loon if you called him out in the specific incident. So it’s a form of gaslighting and control.

You do FEEL it each and every time although you find it hard to articulate the emotion because he has mixed them all up for you. You are left feeling confused, unsettled, frustrated, put out because he has stirred in a big manipulative table spoon of guilt to distract you from your real feelings and what he is doing.

Where you SEE it clearly though is in the patterns and totality.

I am interested in his upbringing. Has he an engulfing, overbearing or abandoning parent?

Quite often men who were powerless and controlled as children unconsciously act out their resentment / revenge with their intimate partner where it is totally irrelevant.

The unconscious is the knowledge of why they are doing it. But they are v conscious of the actions they take to relieve their inner rage on their partner - because they choose not to behave in this controlling, coercive, undermining way with colleagues and friends.

Yes the sudden feeling unwell/having a minor accident or whatever was so incredibly strange. He hasn't really done that in a long time but it still plays on my mind as a very odd form of manipulation.

I know people are saying ltb, obviously this is something I have considered but our lives are very intertwined now with two DC to look after.
I am on maternity leave so technically still employed. Due to go back next month but with all the childcare facilities being closed down for the foreseeable, that's looking highly unlikely.

OP,

He sounds like such a suffocating, deliberate, manipulative horror of a man.

Be very, very careful.

You are sooooo close to this situation that it can be difficult to see, what we can see very clearly.

None of this is accidental.
This is all deliberate.

And getting worse.

Please sort your contraception out.
Please reach out to family and friends and let them know all is not well.
Please look at your finances.
Please look at continuing to work or return to work.
Please quietly prepare for things not going well.

You are early enough in your relationship....this is not a future you want.

Everything that you have written and read on this thread cannot be unseen by you.

You know that he is a deeply controlling person who is sucking the life out of you.

Small steps...
But prepare yourself that you may want to get away from his huge need to control you.

His behaviour during your courtship has so many red flags all over it.

He doesn't love you, because men like that don't understand what love is.

He wants to control you.

And wear you down.

You sound very worn down by him.

Protect yourself OP

OP, come hell or high water...you need to return to work....do not give up your job.

It can take a long time to leave. That's very normal - especially where children are involved, making leaving more complicated. You won't get a lot of judgement for that here as so many have stood in your shoes and know the battle.

Each step, even just the ones you take in your own mind get you closer to the other side. 💐

It's passive aggressive bullshit. Tell him to say what he is pissed off about and don't let him off the hook. Just something like 'when I do X it seems to bother you. Can you tell me what that is about'. He'll likely try to dodge it by saying he's not doing anything, what are you talking about, he didn't mean.... what are you so bothered.
You're doing stuff annoys him. Insist he tell you why, and how you can deal with it together. It is draining, underming and childish behaviour.

I have read the full thread and originally was just coming on to say the C25K stuff is easy to organise, as you are supposed to run 3 days per week with rest days in between, so he could run on your rest days. Easy.

However, after reading the rest of the thread, I'd have real difficulty having any respect for him. He sounds pathetic.

I'd be having a think about my future with him post lockdown.

Has he ever been in therapy? Does he consider that he has emotional issues to resolve?

These are his to resolve alone if he chooses to - if not it will eat away at your marriage.

You could look at couples counselling to throw up some of these issues - although the risk is that he won’t fully engage and will manipulate to point the finger at you during sessions. However if you know this risk going into it and flag it to him - you can halt it immediately and move on.

However you should not drag him kicking and screaming to therapy because he will just resist you and see you as controlling and manipulative.

It is his emotional journey alone. You can point it out to him and the consequences. But it’s the whole horse to water scenario.

But equally once you allow yourself to see how he behaves and fully feel the impact of his covert abuse you might well be done emotionally anyway.

@Gutterton no, he has never been to therapy. I think couples counselling would inevitably just make him even worse as he would likely become very defensive.

I do call him out as often as I can, because I can feel it wearing me down. But of course he just says I'm being ridiculous.

Wow he has got you in Check Mate position then. All boxed in.

Or so he thinks.

Drop the words.

Use action and consequences.

Emotionally withdraw, observe and get your ducks in a row. You can make your next move when you are ready.

What Gutterton wrote here.

This man hates women, all of them.

Do not enter into any form of joint counselling with him. It is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

I think by the time I'd realised it was a pattern of behaviour I'd have just started to be very breezy about it. Oh, okay dear, sorry to hear that. And then just carry on and so what the hell I wanted anyway. It's all words and no action on his part. Words can be ignored.

I’d be very wary of how he deals with the children as well, he’s unlikely to be able to centre their needs when his are so critical to his sense of self.

I’m glad you’ve had a think about the wider implications of his behaviour on your life. So many people end up doing nothing of their own just to appease their partner.

@Fanthorpe well like I said, he is a "scoreboard" Dad and always has been. Everything is noted on his mental scoreboard and if he thinks I'm getting an "advantage" over him, he wouldn't be pleased and would resist putting himself forward for activities with the kids. It's very draining but all part of the same pattern of behaviour so I am well used to it, unfortunately.

How old are the dc?

I'd be concerned that when they're teens, he'll perceive them as a challenge and attempt to control them too.

@LorenzoStDubois

What a pathetic twat he is

Yes.

I'd start by showing him this thread

Dreadful idea. Showing people that you've been discussing relationship problems online with strangers won't end well. It certainly won't make them change their behaviour.

Gosh, that’s hard to manage if he’s calculating!

I think it’ll have an effect earlier than teens, the children will start to second-guess what to do to keep Dad happy. They’ll learn that keeping him happy depends on sublimating their own needs.

What would happen if you did what you wanted to do and when he said "me too, my turn", you just said great idea, go for it. What time do you want to do it? If you're coming across as supportive, would it deflate that behaviour?

Do you like him? Do you love him?

I honestly don't know how you can bear it.
It makes me want to hyperventilate just reading your thread.
It's death by a 1000 cuts.
I worked with someone whose husband wanted to be joined at the hip with her. He was also very controlling and very insecure.

She stuck it out until their 3 boys left home and then divorced him.
He really did suck all the breath out of her, and she lost all love and respect for him in the end.
She couldn't even go to the Co-op by herself.
He didn't like it if she wore a dress to work.
What a sad fucker - I honestly don't know how she lasted so long.

It's not necessarily that he wants to join me everywhere I go, that's not even possible anymore now that we have children.
Over the years the behaviour has morphed into him becoming agitated or visibly on edge (to the point where he needs to insist that HE also has to do something/start something new/meet someone because that's HIS entitlement too and he's been saying it for ages and blah blah). If I become at all motivated or productive, or if I start something new or something that serves me and only me, like exercise or whatever it might be, he just gets so fucking weird it's insane.

Entitled...

Entitled to be in control, entitled to have the best/most, it's Male entitlement over "his woman".

It isn't going to change, it's who he is.

Definitely trying to sabotage your free time. He has probably succeeded in the past - don’t let him this time. He wants you to be the subservient little woman with no interests apart from him, kids and running the home. Don’t engage or give this childish behaviour any attention. You have set yourself this goal - go for it! And please let us know when you reach that 5k!

OP, no changing him, it is who he is.

Protect yourself.

Highly unlikely your marriage will last.

Now that you have spotted exactly how controlling he is...you will want to be gone.

Reach out to family, get yourself some support.

I agree with a previous poster, your description of your life is actually suffocating to read. What must it be like to live.
God help you

Sabotage

Yes. That sounds like quite an accurate descriptor of his action, behaviour and motivation.