What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

@Zhuleva before kids he was pretty clingy, always wanted to come with me if I was meeting friends, even if it wasn't a couples type of night out. But we had been working in the same company for a few years, had lots of mutual friends who often socialised together after work. Sometimes he would be fine, other times he would sit right beside me the whole night and only want to engage in the conversations I was involved in around the table. Sometimes he would be trying to proper kiss me right in front of everyone in close proximity at the table which I thought was so inappropriate and embarrassing, and when I just gave him a peck on the cheek he'd starting asking if I'm annoyed at him, what's wrong with me etc. I would bring all of this up with him the next day and made it clear that I did not find that behaviour acceptable in front of my friends. I know these are massive red flags which I should have done something about, but it's difficult when you are very intertwined with mutual friends and everyone just assumes you are together and happy and that's that.

I dont think you mentioned how you deal with this behaviour op. Do you call him out on it? Do you tell him he has been doing the same thing for years? Do you ignore it? When for example you say "i will go for a run at x time you go at y time" and he then says "i would rather go cycling" what is your response to that?
Personally, I would carry on with whatever activity you like because life is too short and you need to take care of yourself. His behaviour definitely sounds childish and annoying and as other people said, like sibling jealousy. It's a weird tit for tat.

I think as soon as possible you need to get yourself a job. He will fight and sabotage it but ultimately I think the chances of you divorcing are high.

Absolutely do your course. Have 2 evenings per week or daytime once little one goes to nursery and day "that is my study time, sort your own childcare out to do yours"

He is trying to guilt and sabotage you all the time to control you.

I would bring all of this up with him the next day and made it clear that I did not find that behaviour acceptable in front of my friends

You actually, inadvertently, made it clear that you were willing to accept the behaviour by marrying then having children with him. That isn't your fault, but you need to understand that a heartfelt chat won't work with a man like this. They are hell bent on control and will do it no matter what you say or do - they will do what they can get away with, push your boundaries further and further, change tack when something doesn't "work", but not to stop the behaviour. To continue to advance the control with different tactics.

Your post at 9.55am confirms that he has always (I would say very deliberately) interfered with your ability to socialise and have friends independent of his control and approval. He would deliberately humiliate you and make you uncomfortable in front of your friends in order that you wouldnt see them as much. It would make you feel that it was just too much trouble. It would also make your friends uncomfortable and perhaps you would receive less invites - not due to you, but due to him. He wouldnt let you talk to them without him involved in the conversation. So you are (all) completely focused on him, the only man in the room, and of course this means you can never express your relationship problems to your friends and receive support. Because he's always there. Watching. Listening.

Is he like this with your own family? Parents, siblings etc? How are things with his family?

We tend to give that sort of behaviour a pass and tell ourselves it's because he loves us so much or he's insecure because of x y z.

But whatever the reason, the effect is the same - he's all about controlling you, not controlling himself/regulating his own emotions.

You mustn't pander to any of it, and don't engage with his self-pitying "I would but it's all your fault" stuff - just "you know I'm happy for you to take time for that" and leave the conversation.

OP we all have boundaries of what we will tolerate in regard to behaviours of others.
What your DH is doing is testing and slowly breaking down your boundaries.
So it doesnt appear outwardly abusive but you are rightly questioning why he does this.
Listen to your feelings, they are valid.

So at 5pm do as JungleJane suggests -tell him you are off at 5pm.
Then go
Tell him you are running at 3pm
Then go.
His reaction to this will be telling .

Oh god Ive just seen your latest up date.
I would be looking to leave this relationship

It's like a kind of sibling rivalry he doesn't like you getting ahead of him in any way, he sounds somewhat dysfunctional and personality disordered?

In the short-term I would just humour him and say whatever it takes to get what you want, in the long-term I would be looking to get rid of him somehow

It's death by a thousand cuts, just chipping away at you. But I would really start calling him out on this...going for a run at 5? Just go. You've told him you're doing it, if he says anything just reiterate that you'd told him. Someone further up the thread suggested a calendar idea, I'd go with that. I did something similar, if it's not on the calendar, it's not happening.

Just go at 5pm and watch to see what he does.
Following you
Punishing
Sulking
Inventing a crisis

I think you have my exh...
Like having a sullen teenager.
When your dc are older you will see the similarities...
Life needs to be all about a teen.
Bit like your dh.
Take up yoga. At home, youtube tutorials. See him literally tie himself up in knots.
Then go to bed and leave him there...
He is a total arse.

I do remember in the early days, whenever there would be an argument or if I called out some odd behaviour, he would mysteriously injure himself or something. He was doing something at our old job years ago where he needed to use an electric drill, we'd had a disagreement that morning (most arguments back then were related to his behaviour to be honest), and the next thing I know he appears around the office with his arm wrapped in bandage after injuring himself with the drill. And suddenly everyone was all around him asking if he was OK and what had happened. Then they were looking at me saying "not to worry, you'll look after him wont you". I remember feeling really off about that incident. This behaviour repeated a few times where he would get hurt or sick very soon after a disagreement. I thought it was weird but also thought maybe I was overthinking it and being paranoid. Obviously on reflection I realised it was a deliberate pattern.

What a pathetic twat he is.

I'd start by showing him this thread.

It is coercive control to put you back in your box. I would do as above-ask him if he has plans today and when he’s going to do that. Then say great, I will go for my run at 4pm then-and when the time comes just get ready and go. If he whines just say that you asked him if he wanted to do anything and he said no, so clearly he doesn’t actually want to do it, he just wants you to not do it. And that’s NOT going to happen. Call him out.
Good luck

This isn't normal op. If he wants to go for a run or do something he also can. When he days he wishes he could go then, as later it'll be too late etc. Say that's fine you go now and I'll go later. When he says he can't or something, say we'll that's his choice. He said he wanted to go and he can, he is choosing not too. Same with everything. When he whines, just say he can do all these things, he chooses not too. You are happy to accommodate his wants and he can do whatever he likes, he just always makes an excuse. You want to do things, and you will, and just because he is too lazy to do things doesn't mean you shouldn't. It is controlling behaviour.

if I called out some odd behaviour, he would mysteriously injure himself or something. ... the next thing I know he appears around the office with his arm wrapped in bandage after injuring himself with the drill.

Jesus fucking Christ OP.

I would strongly advise that you speak with women's aid for safety planning information around how to safely leave this man.

He sounds potentially, physically, very, very dangerous.

He hasn't turned physical because his psychological and isolation tactics have worked. I have grave concerns for your safety when he realises that his psychological tactics no longer work.

I'm going to ask a blunt question but please do feel free not to answer it if you aren't comfortable.

You have already revealed that he forced full over the top kisses on you in front of friends when you didnt want to and sulked if you gave him "only" a peck on the cheek. We also know he does, likely deliberate, gruesome harm to himself to stop you leaving. This is why I ask the following:

Has this man even "accidentally" physically injured you or coerced you into sex or any physical intimacy or contact (other than the above) that you didn't truly want?

You are self-sabotaging your own efforts by telling him what you want to do and when, which gives him the opportunity to make it impossible.

Don't tell him. Just stick your head round the door and say that you're off out, see you in half an hour, and then GO!

"Coercion" includes him just going on about it, not accepting your refusal, trying to "convince" you to do it, and using guilt and manipulation until you give in and acquiesce to the sex he wants.

@PicsInRed I haven't mentioned anything in relation to that, so no. I think you're comments are starting to deviate from addressing the behaviour that I am asking about.

I don't want you to talk about anything you aren't comfortable with OP. Please do just consider whether any of this seems familiar.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

He sounds like a clingy bf I had at Uni, I think it was mostly insecurity and he was lacking in confidence but he really dragged me down with him. In the end I had no friends left that weren’t mutual, we were living in the same student house and he’d switched courses and was taking all the same modules as me. So claustrophobic.

I think best to decide exactly what you want to do and stick to it, don’t let his negativity sway you, these are things you’re doing for you, his opinion is not important, exercise, courses, whatever it is make a plan for you. I understand it’s difficult to both fit things in but me and dh have never had a problem really, he never stopped me doing anything, encouraged me seeing friends and taking courses when I was mostly raising the kids and he was full time work. With your dh it’s obviously not easy but just ignore his moaning, inwardly roll your eyes, agree that yes he should do stuff too and that you’ll be happy to ‘mind the kids’ when he arranges it, then head out the door for your run.

If he’s sat working at the time agreed for you to pop out, shout out from the door ‘I’m off for my walk now’ and go.

Long term personally I couldn’t cope with someone like this, hence I dumped uni bf and have never dated a cling-on since. Seeing as you have dc maybe suggest counselling for his behaviour issues, might help telling him to his face that his behaviour is insecure and clingy as no one wants to be that person. Hopefully he’ll recognise it and take steps to give you the freedom you need.

I agree with RandomMess, please think about this:

*I think as soon as possible you need to get yourself a job. He will fight and sabotage it but ultimately I think the chances of you divorcing are high.

Absolutely do your course. Have 2 evenings per week or daytime once little one goes to nursery and day "that is my study time, sort your own childcare out to do yours"*

Good luck

This is sounding worse and worse, OP. I can see why you are a bit alarmed at people calling it abuse, because it doesn't look the same as some of the horrific things that some men do to their partners. But it's insidious, manipulative, controlling behaviour. And it's deliberate. He is constantly seeking to limit your achievements, prevent your independence and spoil your enjoyment of life. The fact that he's been willing to go as far as 'injuring' himself to achieve control is .

I doubt this is salvageable tbh, but imo the only clear way forward (short of ltb) is to lay it all out in the open. Describe his behaviour to him in full, giving examples. Explain that it is controlling, potentially abusive and that it stops right now.

Oh the injuring self thing is terrible.

Agree he sounds like a teen.

You have bigger problems than this run.

You either need to ignore him and just do the run and see what happens, back down as I imagine you've done in the past, or think carefully about the relationship full stop.