What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

Ouch your DP have been stung by him directly. Your DF especially with his wide experience of professional discourse will have noted, felt and seen this dismissive and disrespectful behaviour in him.

It’s more than “just” the sabotaging of the running though - it’s the conceited undermining snipes around the hoovering, the cooking ingredients, the huffing and puffing, sulking throwing the takeaway at her - he is like a maggot gnawing away slowly and destructively at his target.

I rather suspect your parents help you out so much because they know you are married to a dickhead. They know you need them.

Chances are everyone else notices he is a dickhead more than you, not less. You have become desensitised to it. Here you describe horrible behaviours as if they are just a little bit off. Therefore I suspect that all those times you thought he was a little out of order, other people were thinking "what a massive bellend". There will have been times when they thought "what a wanker" when you didn't even notice anything odd.

Talk to people in RL. I bet they see a lot more than you realise.

Well, I am doing as you have all said. Flushing out his toxic behaviour with a disproportionate amount of light and positivity! Thankfully running/exercising every day helps me to feel so much better mentally, so I am in good form. He has come seeking more hugs and affection since I've started this, which I find strange? Probably all part of his huge insecurity, I guess.

It is the script (even if subconscious not planned) He sees his usual tactics not working. He goes for the love bomb approach. He will continue trying to control you but slightly differently.

If you persist in being unswayed and doing what you want then he will change tack. Expect illness, injury and big displays of anxiety around you.

If those fail to get back in your box too then the rage will start. You will be accused of all sorts. Especially of being a heartless selfish abuser yourself.

That's my prediction.

OP,
Please read, and re-read, @Tork so that you know it by heart,and are ready.

Like most abusers, who feed off destroying the wellbeing of their victins, he is finely attuned to your sense of self.

He has clocked your positivity and needs to get close to you to discover its source...

@Tork is laying out briefly what will follow...be prepared.

Reach out to family and friends.. be prepared

Just checking in to say i recognise a lot if this behaviour from my exh.

Down to the accusing you of being a lunatic if you pull him up on things or smoking up the affection if you remain determined and distant.

I have several threads which describe my journey over the last year, with amazing support from MN.

If you have time to read them I'll link (sulking dh).

Does your H sulk or give you the silent treatment?

Sometimes it's hard to even know as we have modified our behaviour so much so as not to upset them because the moods are not worth it.

Keep up the running!

He doesn't do any sulking or silent treatment, that would probably create too much space for me to start doing things without him being aware. I'm fully sure he no longer even realises that he's doing half of it, it comes out as anxious, on-edge behaviour since he considers everything I do that's not safely "in my box" is me clocking up points on the invisible scoreboard he keeps. Then other times, it's absolutely fine. But what I realise about those other times, is that during them, I was doing precisely fucking nothing for myself.

A wise poster said to me that of course it's never always bad/abusive, there are good times, and there are amazing times.

Otherwise you would have left years ago.

In my case, summer holidays were always pretty great because it was "just us" and we did everything on exh's schedule and so we all got along great.

But as you said, the times it was going great were when I was doing nothing for myself.

I did couch to 5k.

Was so proud of myself as I am not particularly sporty.

Exh made it just a little bit difficult for me, like yours with the work thing.

It was never a good time to go.

I was taking time away from the family.

He had stuff to do. Dinner needed cooking.

It wasn't good for my eczema.

Me setting an alarm to go and do it was disturbing him (despite me creeping out and getting everything ready the night before, and it being 9/10am on a Sunday).

When I said it was only 30 mins he claimed it was nearly an hour because then I needed to take a shower.

But he would never outright "forbid me" to go. Because I would not have put up with that.

Instead I gradually gave in to him chipping away.

Your husband's remind me of that.

Sorry, it's a nasty feeling.

What do you know about his childhood - that’s where all the answers lie. How old was he when his parents divorced? What was their marriage like and why did they divorce? Have you spent much time with either of his parents? What was your feelings about them and how did you observe them interacting with your DH? What’s your DH’s “narrative” about his childhood?

Sounds like he wants the attention on him and doesn’t like being out of control of what others (you) are doing

jamaisjedors - that account makes me feel physically sick - suffocated, trapped, hounded, blocked, frustrated.

JungleJane - the Qs I listed out are not to justify his behaviour - but sometimes it helps to understand or to see patterns from his relationships with his parents - how they interact with each other etc.

It can be excruciatingly uncomfortable when you start to see all this - because you have been feeling it and have been trying to manage it. It’s usually because you have tried to hard - given too much - so don’t take any blame or feel any shame. You are just too nice.

His mother was a teenager when she had him. Biological father left within the first couple of years, nobody has heard from him since. I have met his mother and stepdad (they are no longer a couple), mother seems normal and friendly. Stepdad is quiet. DP has been living in UK for so long now that he has essentially spent more time here than he did there. Moved by himself, some friends from his hometown came too. They partied excessively, did all the usual things you do when you first emigrate I guess. Mother and stepdad split when he was early teens, no real partners since. His extended family (on both sides) are lovely, funny, welcoming people. I have spent more time with them on visits than I have with his DM.

He has memories of being a very young child left on his own in the house while his (also young) parents went out for the night to parties nearby. He recalls screaming from the windows for someone to come back. For this, and a few reasons really, I'm not his mother's biggest fan, but I would never show that. As far as she is concerned, all is good.

I am sure there are probably parts of his childhood he hasn't told me about, but for the most part he is forthcoming and knows that these things were not acceptable, and not responsible of his parents.

What's he like when you're ill? When you make a notable achievement? Or it's your birthday or Mother's day? Does he somehow sabotage it by trying to rake back attention on him/off you, be it that day or over the days preceeding or afterwards? Or spoils it by causing an argument?

I've seen this with my BIL, he now does this to his own DC.

I’m not sure what you call it op, but there are certain things it absolutely is? It’s creepy. It’s needy, it’s unhealthy to name just a few.

Whether it stems from envy, insecurity, or whatever I couldn’t say, but it’s not right.

You need to go back to work. That’s a given. And you need to do your thing, be it running or whatever, you can’t stop. You can’t let him wear you down to the extent you’re dependent on him and have nothing for yourself. One day you’ll bitterly regret it.

He’s clearly got some significant issues, and I don’t even know how to put this politely but it would creep me out so much, that clingy, needy, jealous weird ass behaviour. I honestly don’t know how you stand it.

Thats a v distressing childhood memory and probably only scratches the surface of bonding disruption in his v early years which likely have left an attachment issue around how he interacts as an adult.

This might explain his behaviour but doesn’t excuse it. How you describe his behaviours as almost impulsive points to this. Have a read up on attachment theory in children and in adults. He would do well to find a therapist with skills in this area.

www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter generally he doesn't do much for me when I'm ill, but I am hardly ever sick to be fair. He gets ill a fair bit, last winter it was every other week "coming down with something" to the point where I told him to just go and get his bloods done because he must be hugely deficient. He didn't get them done, no surprise.

Mothers Day and birthdays his efforts have always been last minute. Before I finished work for Mat leave we used to take the same train home, meet on the platform. He would arrive to the platform with flowers and some kind of gift in a bag that he'd bought on his lunch that day. He would just hand them over, expecting me to be absolutely swooning at this gesture of romance. He was saying something to me while handing it over and I couldn't even hear him because of the trains.

I expressed clearly after that incident that if he's going to hand it over to me in a smelly, junkie ridden train station and have me carry it all the way home, then just don't bother. I felt bad for saying it but I really was just so embarrassed and bloody disappointed that he couldn't have done any better than that.

For fathers day and his birthday I would always buy and wrap presents, blow up balloons etc. This year I'd just had DD2 so I couldn't get out to get him anything, I apologised in advance and told him I didn't have anything for him and I was sorry. He said he didn't expect anything and it was silly to be buying each other stuff anyway (I really felt he was just trying to justify his shit efforts).

Sorry, I should add that the flowers and gift at the train station was on my birthday. Definitely would not be getting gifts outside of that!

I agree with Gutterton

What happens if you don't react to his drama llama display anxiety?

Basically he’s desperate not to be that helpless little boy who has been abandoned by the woman who should love him unquestioningly. He suspects that he’s unloveable so uses every tactic to make you feel as helpless as he did. He’s probably unaware of these feelings, they just manifest as the behaviour you see.

It’s not your job to fix him. He would definitely benefit from some psychotherapy though.

I think it comes from a place of immature insecurity.

He sees you doing things and it hasn't actually occurred to him to do some of them, so he puts his pet lip out and kind of acts as though because you've done it first, you have taken the opportunity away from him.

I'm not too sure if it's controlling, it's just a bit needy and insecure.

Why does it matter where it comes from? It is appalling behaviour. You have told him it upset you. Any normal loving partner would have a period of introspection and seek help for their extreme behaviours around their misplaced anxiety that negatively impacts the people they love. He just ramps it up. No matter what is underlying it shows selfishness and a lack of concern for your wellbeing.

Well it is controlling. He tries to sabotage the OP and appears to try and isolate her, so that she is entirely reliant on him. His behaviour may well stem from being insecure, but that doesn’t condone some of the examples the OP sites.

@JungleJane11 I would read the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft to see if any of it resonates (which I’m sure it will do). The situation sounds suffocating and probably is being exasperated by the lockdown.