What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

It stems from insecurity.

However it's shit.

What would be do if you said ok I'll go at X time and you go at Y time?

If I say to him tomorrow "OK you go in the morning/evening and I'll go at lunchtime" he would probably turn around and say that he'd much prefer to go cycling (he's been talking about that for years but never once researched a bike, and when I eventually told him to just go and buy one, he said he had nobody to cycle with so it'd be "boring"). He would likely go on about how he's been wanting to start cycling for years but he's never got to do the things HE likes, and so on. It's the same story any time I try to do anything, especially things to better myself.
I am considering starting a course part time later this year in something I'm interested in, and instead of showing interest he just replied that there are online courses he needs to complete for work and he needs time for that because they are compulsory. First I'd heard of them but obviously he only brings things up when I suggest doing something to improve myself. I have zero issues with him doing any extra work, he is the main earner after all.

I think he believes he now has the upper hand and wants to keep his superiority and keep you subservient.

I think you do steam ahead with your exercise plans and course and just say every time he starts "There is nothing to stop you doing x so stop playing the martyr" then walk away/refuse to engage further.

If the dynamic doesn't change it will erode your relationship.

It's so unfortunate there even has to be an "upper hand". We have neighbours a couple of doors down who also have two young kids, and they absolutely come and go as they please (mostly separately as one needs to mind the kids) but I see them each out exercising, shopping, in and out in their respective cars just living normally doing their own thing. I really do look at them and think God it would be such a battle for me because he is so ridiculous about those things.

What was his parents marriage like and his upbringing?

It sounds like he wants to be included.

Often when your partner wants to do something away from the relationship it will make you reflect on what you aren't doing. And why you aren't being invited.

I don't think he has any malicious intent.

OP just go for it.

Say well I'm doing this and that's what I'm doing. If you want to do something else then go for it, I'm happy to have the kids for an hour at X time every day for you to do something.

And do your thing.

But, I know this thing. It's not about him wanting to do anything. It's about stopping you doing it. So then, you need to decide what to do.

With mine I say, look it's normal to spend some time apart, it's only x, stop trying to make me feel guilty etc, what exactly is the problem here. He can never give a reason past ' I don't like it'.

I got him to admit the other day after a few drinks that he is happy about lockdown insofar as it means I'm not going off and he knows where I am.

Difference is I have no probs saying ok well I'm doing it anyway.

Just try it. Say I'm going and that's that. If you want to do something, we can find a different time.

What would he do if you did that? Have you ever tried?

passive aggressive

My partner and I are expecting and have decided once baby arrived we will split the weekend so he can cycle on for eg Saturday and I can gym Sunday and the other person will have 'sole' responsibility of the child during the other persons day. Very likely this will only be for 4-5 hour max. We're both very reasonable people and wouldn't abandon the other of they felt overwhelmed for eg.
Whilst the 5k is a few times a week why don't you plan out a rota. You have Monday Wednesday and Friday mornings to train and he has Tuesday Thursday and Saturday or Sunday and then you have one day your both 'resting' and home to parent.

The psychology behind his actions is probably insecurity. He worries, unconsciously that if you go out and do this and that you'll meet new people and have less time for him. Both sexes do it in a relationship even without thinking. Especially if one has never had the motivation to change.

This would drive me batshit. Sounds like it may stem from jealousy and insecurity. It's almost like he doesn't want you to better yourself in anyway shape or form, be it exercise or education. He likes you being the little wife dependant on him, or he wants you controlled, a little like his insistence on staying over on the Sunday night and forcing the issue, your thoughts and feelings aren't considered, it's only his.

The only thing you can do is ignore it and carry on with what you'd planned to do, however it will be a battle and I don't even know if it will resolve itself even once he understands that his pa bullying tactics aren't working. You could also suggest joint counciling.

Hi op this is controlling . He didn't want you to have a life outside of the house or with out him . He says these things because he is hoping you will cut she your mind when ever he suggests he will do something too like bigger it it's too much hassle now . My partner is like this but only with going out . If I say I'm going to catch up with the girls . Which I have done about 7 times in nearly ten years he will act all sulky with me for days and also suggest doing it even tho he ain't got no friends really . In the end I can't be assed for it at all and don't end up going anywhere x

OP, he sounds controlling, but doing it with
(what he thinks is) subtle manipulation.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

Does any of this ring true?

What would happen if you just kept on running, ignored him? Would he find a way to "punish" you - not physically, but by accidentally breaking something or ruining a special occasion, or springing a major event on you the day of (requiring you to rush getting ready and not having clothes ready) or perhaps one of your possessions just suddenly disappears?

Do you suspect things of him, but have no evidence and so feel a bit mad? But they keep happening?

Honestly, OP, I couldn’t be with someone this low-energy, lazy, self-pitying and whiny. It’s fairly clear from what you say that he does not in fact want to do any of these things, because if he did he would simply go ahead and do them — going for a short run or calling a friend are hardly unachievable — he wants an excuse not to do them, and to sigh about it and shake his head over how much better his life would be if he had the time/a wife who didn’t selfishly insist on going for a run/someone to cycle with etc.

It gives him a permanent false alibi for not doing anything, ever. If you got divorced he would have to find another alibi for his low achievement. (And yes, I’m aware of the irony of calling a Zoom call with work colleagues an ‘achievement’, but the way he sets these situations up to fail suggests they’re the equivalent of climbing Everest blindfold.)

You don't have to discuss with him everything that you want to or plan to do.

You are free to make your own choices about how you occupy your time.

He does not "own" you, or your life. You do.

Dare I suggest when you want to go for a run, you put your running gear on, and go for a run. No discussion, no saying when and if and for how long. Just put your gear on and say "I'm going out for a bit. See you later." And off you go. There is no discussion to be had.

You don't have to discuss it before you go, nor when you get back.

If he starts up about wanting to do it too, tell him he is free to do what he wants and make his own plans, just as you are. There is no discussion about this. There is no point to a discussion, because all he wants to do is complain and blame you for his emptiness.

Sounds to me like this is a pattern of behaviour he employs to control you. Divisive & cohersive as its piling on the guilt & preventimg you from doing what you'd like to. He does sound quite pathetic and selfish. He needs to man up and someone needs to put him straight on this.

I agree with Cnoc there. He is finding excuses not to do these things that he thinks he wants to do but he is actually lazy and unmotivated and wouldn’t do them anyway, even if you weren’t on the scene.

It's weird.

I run, DH also runs. We have three children under five, including a five month old baby, and still find the time for us both to run. Your DH is being ridiculous and also storing up the fact that you get to 'do things' and he doesn't, so he can use it against you. I would call his bluff.

In our house we alternate days, so I ran yesterday and DH will run today. On my 'off' days I do a YouTube workout some days as well, but the older kids can join in with this so it's not like it creates a burden for DH. Just suggest you both do what we're doing, I can't see how he can argue with that. Except he will, because the point isn't that he wants to run, it's that he doesn't want you to run.

@PicsInRed I suppose in a roundabout way, some of this is familiar, but it is all worded so strongly with terms like "abuse" and "intimidation", and i just don't know if I can call in that.

It's a lot of little things, one after another. Another example would be last week, when I outright told him I planned to go for a walk at 5PM sharp (he finishes work at this time, and is currently working from a desk in our kitchen). He said OK fine, and I reiterated that I just needed to get out for a bit. 5 o'clock came and went and he didn't move from his desk until after 5.30, by which time he knows I need to start dinner. I was waiting to see if he would show me the courtesy of finishing up at 5 (as he otherwise always would) or if he would stay at the desk on purpose. He has two monitors, both of which clearly display the time. However, on another occasion, I took the baby out for a walk at around 4.15pm, and very shortly afterwards I bumped into him out walking with our 3 year old. Funny how he can finish up work nice and quick (half an hour early on this occasion) when it suits him. Maybe these things all seem very small but when it's all the time, it's honestly a lot to take and leaves me wondering if I'm being paranoid or something. First thing he said today (knowing that I plan to exercise today) was "rotten day out there isn't it, wouldn't want to be out in that" and I can't help but feel it's an attempt to get me to agree that it's a horrible day and not go out for my run like I had planned. It's not even fucking raining, the weather never usually bothers him if he's the one going out!

It's about control.

It sounds absolutely suffocating.

The more you post the more clear it is that it is deliberate sabotage to control you, keep you in the wife. Mother,servant box he wants you to be in.

But on the day in question, why didn't you just say at 5pm 'right that's me away for my walk now, see you in a bit'?

Just reply with 'I know, horrid isn't it' but still continue with you plans.

My ex would sabotage stuff. I remember getting ready to go out with friends, all of a sudden he'd remember (just as I was about to leave) that there was something that needed doing to my car, it was a safety issue and he simply couldn't let me drive it until he'd fixed it, for my own safety of course. I ended up being 2 hrs late. He thought (I think), that I'd cancel, I didn't as he always did shit like this, so I'd forewarned my friends and given myself a 3 hr buffer and my mates were flexible with times etc. But this was him all over.

JungleJane11

Don't think too much about the words "abuse" and "intimidation" just now, right now - focus on the actions he takes against you and whether these are normal and reasonable.

The words are simply the technical names for the actions he is taking against you. You will need to name the actions and the pattern of behaviour before you can comfortably accept and name that pattern behaviour.

I endured a lot of psychological abuse before I read about the (then) coercive control bill and had my own lightening moment: "omg, that's what's happening to me". That was the beginning of my fight to escape - but the fight was only possible with the knowledge.

It's clear from your last post that he doesn't want you to leave the house - and if you do, he will not permit you to do it without his supervision. That is extremely controlling behaviour. I mean, when you attempted a walk, he actually left his work and the house to come and find you. 😱

What do you think he would do if you just did what you want and suited yourself? Is he a sulker? That another classic non violent punishment.

I feel for you as this sounds really fucking annoying.

What was he like before you had children? It sounds like he's using the kids as a way to control you / influence your behaviour. Without kids did he do the same thing, and how? (sorry - questions questions!)

Your original question OP was "what would you call this behaviour?". After reading all you've written I would call it very controlling. He sounds awful to live with, grinding you down bit by bit day after day.