What would you call this behaviour??

[JungleJane11]

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

I agree with TorkTork - 100% it is appalling and an active choice not to address bad behaviour when he knows it’s causing distress to his wife - but it might help the OP to understand where this might be coming from and to encourage him to seek help to deal with this as it is in the interests of her children that he sorts himself out whatever happens to their marriage.

Well I confronted him on everything this morning. Gave him several examples of the behaviour he has demonstrated, especially recently, which I don't consider respectful or normal whatsoever. I said I found him to be extremely insecure etc. I didn't bring up the instances of him getting injured or sick in the early part of our relationship, as I know he will still deny it. Baby steps and all that.

He answered that he doesn't know why he feels and acts that way, and (in instances such as the one in my OP), the problem is not that I am doing something, it's that he isn't doing something.

I have no idea why women put up with shit like this. Life should be happy you should be with someone who meets you in the middle. Where you have a life outside him. Couples aren’t a single entity they are two people. Call his bluff. Jesus stop pandering to him. We only have one life it’s not worth living like this for another ten years to eventually walk away and have to start again and you’ve lost ten years living making happy memories having no shit

Has he promised to stop doing it?

Have you considered using a safe word for this? You both agree on say "blueberries". He starts on his nonsense and you say "blueberries", nothing else just that. This is his cue to stop. It is a good way to handle such things to reduce knee jerk defensiveness on the irritator's part and reluctance to complain on the victim's part.

Sounds about right.

It isnt what you are doing thats the problem, its just highlighting (to him) that he isnt doing something so he feels bad and then reacts by saying "Oh well I would do that too but I cant because......" when actually he doesnt want to do whatever it is. He just doesnt want to look bad compared to you being proactive.

We call this fuckboi behaviour

It's not your fault that he isn't doing something though and it is disordered thinking for him to act as though it is. It also isn't your problem to solve that he isn't doing what you are doing so he cannot blame you for him not doing what you are doing!

At the end of the day, he is controlling and emotionally abusive. Will be interesting to see whether anything changes. Unfortunately, if he does improve, I would imagine it will only be for a short time because this behaviour is so ingrained. It is what he is.

Now that you have put a name to it and are more aware of it. You may start to pull away and try to resist him controlling you. This may mean he ramps up or changes tactics. This is what happened to me. XH became unreasonably angry at all times and everything was my fault! It went to court in the end to keep him out of the home.