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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you call this behaviour??

207 replies

JungleJane11 · 18/04/2020 16:46

Don't usually post in here but really need the input.
I wanted to know what word(s) you would use to describe the DP's behaviour, because I need some perspective on it.

I'll give an example of how today's one unfolded:
I started the Couch to 5k challenge today, did my first set of intervals while the kids napped at lunchtime. Within half an hour of me returning, he starts talking about how he needs to do exercise too, maybe he'll do the challenge too, maybe we can compete with each other etc. Now I knew for a fact that he would start saying he wanted to do it as well, or starting talking about how he needs time to exercise too (he has never worked out as long as we've been together), I just thought that he would allow me even the first few days of it to myself before starting his usual antics. He then goes on to say that he'd "love" to do it (he fucking hates running) but he wouldn't want to inconvenience all of us because now I'm doing my "running thing", and someone has to mind the kids while the other person exercises, and he might do it in the evening when they're in bed but that is "so late" then.

Now that might seem like a non-issue to you as you read it, but apply this behaviour to absolutely everything that I suggest I might do; a new activity, go for a walk, meet a friend etc etc. Every. Single. Thing. He will, within a very short space of time, assert that he wishes to do it too (meet HIS friends or whatever) and then he will very often express that he "cant" now because I'm doing something.

He has ALWAYS been this way. It has made me lose the motivation to try anything new or arrange meet ups with friends because he will immediately say that HE needs his time too, HE was supposed to meet up with so and so "for ages now" etc etc.

I don't stop him from doing anything he wants to do. I am at home with the kids all the time on mat leave, an extra few hours makes no odds to me if he has something he wants to do.
I really wanted to get back into running but he sucks the joy out of anything I do for me, because he will inevitably start the same shit.

So, what on earth do you call this behaviour???

OP posts:
veryvery · 18/04/2020 18:16

It seems all so petty and I'm honestly wondering half the time what he is even arguing about

You need to just not engage. Shrug your shoulders and think'Weirdo'. For some reason he is unhappy and wants to play the victim but that requires you to notice it. He'll give up.

RandomMess · 18/04/2020 18:16

Seriously I couldn't stand to live with a partner that thought it was ok to be like that.

I used to hate DH going away when the DC were little and I did talk to him about it but I also said I absolutely thought he should go and I knew it was my problem. I always asked if he had a good time etc and he always supported me in my hobbies.

Now the DC are much older and I just whinge I will have to do all the catering and kid stuff whilst he's away 😂

blackcat86 · 18/04/2020 18:22

I've managed to stop much of this behaviour (although not all) with radical honesty and not keeping it secret. I used to appear flaky and gave up a lot of my interests because DH was so unsupportive or tried to go 'eye for an eye' but of course he wouldnt want anyone to know this. He wouldnt give me my hour alone so I asked PIL to watch baby whilst I went to therapy and stayed away a little longer to grab a coffee on the way. I was very clear that 'could they just watch her a little longer as DH refused'. Its become a running joke with my friends now that I expect DH to be arsey about something. It sounds pathetic but it's really taken the wind out of his sails on that particular behaviour like ignoring a toddler tantrum.

nevernotstruggling · 18/04/2020 18:26

This is controlling behaviour. Rings lots of bells for exh who broke down everything I had. I see him doing it with the dc now.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 18/04/2020 18:26

So when you, for example, come back from your run, and he says how he'd like to do that too but now he can't, why don't you say to him:

'Do you realise that you do this all the time? Every time I do something you say, xxx... I'm curious, why do you keep saying this? To be honest it's very predictable and boring and it's getting on my nerves. Just do it or don't do it.'

And then next time he does it, say, 'There you go again, every time!' Repeat until he gets the message.

DianaT1969 · 18/04/2020 18:32

Assuming you plan to stay with him - and you just had a child with him so I guess you do - I'd switch to a new dynamic of a a 'need to know' basis. Just go out and do your stuff whenever you want at short or no notice. Literally put your running gear on when he's busy and shout 'Just popping out! Mind the kids!". When he asks you where you went, the answer is 'just out' 'nowhere special'. You take up a new hobby and you tell him nothing. My brother was a world-class expert at this when grilled by my mum as a teenager.

LouiseCollina · 18/04/2020 18:35

This is weirdly, slyly controlling behaviour. It’s also incredibly unsophisticated and juvenile. I’d have a short fuse for this sort of intrusive and childishly abusive crap. I’d probably tell him to go for his run and do a Forrest Gump on it - and keep fucking going.

Quicklittlenamechange · 18/04/2020 18:37

Hes trying to sabotage your time off/plans ( succeeding if you give up) plus making it all about him and centering himself as the victim and you the aggressor -I cant run/zoom/ whatever as YOU have taken all the time off.

Jeezoh · 18/04/2020 18:46

It sounds like he’s threatened by you doing stuff outside of the confines he expects you to live in. Could be because he’s controlling, could be because you doing stuff to better yourself/have fun highlights to him that he’s not got the impetus or motivation to make the same effort, so he sabotages you so you’re in the same boat as him.

I’d do two things - make a note on your phone every time he does it so you can see how often he does this - it will help you realise it’s definitely him, not you, when you start to doubt yourself or he denies doing it. Secondly, let his criticism be water off a ducks back and ignore the petulance, it’ll take the wind out of his sails. If he starts moaning he can’t run because he hasn’t time, take it at face value and tell him you want to work out a fair schedule etc and ask him when he wants to do it so you both get equal opportunities etc.

Geppili · 18/04/2020 18:46

I think he is very emotionally immature and jealous of you.

Tsubasa1 · 18/04/2020 18:53

This sounds terribly irritating. It would be acceptable once or twice but not for every activity you start!

winterisstillcoming · 18/04/2020 18:53

Just say ' stealing my idea again? I'm sure if you really want to do it you will make time, like I do.'

He's jealous, that you've tried something and he is still in the same place he has always been.

Original poster
JungleJane11 · 18/04/2020 18:59

@winterisstillcoming even the phrase "stealing my idea" sounds so childish and immature. I can't really imagine myself saying something like that to be honest, it would just give him the opportunity to start this nonsense argument all over again.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 18/04/2020 19:05

Maybe passive aggressive/resentful/looking for an excuse to be self-pitying and paint himself as a martyr. It's like he makes excuses to not try in life, but instead of acknowledging he does it, he blames it on you.

NoMoreDickheads · 18/04/2020 19:16

Thinking about it, I agree with you that he's just spoiling for an argument or an excuse to moan. For some reason unhappy with his life.

HollowTalk · 18/04/2020 19:21

Assuming you want to stay married to this man, why not get a wall calendar and each night say, "Right, what are we doing tomorrow? Do you want to book something in?" And when he says no because he doesn't know what he wants to do until you do it then say, "Right, I'll go running at X o'clock."

I'm worried that you aren't going outdoors. Does that mean your three year old isn't going out, either? Can't you alternate, so that he takes the baby one day and you take your daughter, and change the next day. I won't suggest you go out with him as I imagine an hour off from him is just what you need.

MissHoskins · 18/04/2020 19:27

@JungleJane11
I know exactly what you mean but it's so subtle that if you were to call him out it looks as though you're the one being unreasonable, immature and childish.
It's so very hard to articulate to others and I've been in your shoes, he's a very skilled manipulator. If you even try and point out what's pissing you off he'll turn it back so that it's your fault.
It's not any form of sibling rivalry, it's all about controlling you and making himself out to be the one that's hard done by. It's an art and he'll keep practising his art.
I've seen a link to a book about manipulative people and I'll try and find the name of the book.
I walked away but there were no children and no shared finances so, in a sense it was easy for me.

monkeymonkey2010 · 18/04/2020 19:29

If he's always been like this - why have YOU carried on being with him - and having dc to him?!!!!! Shock
The mind boggles!

Are you afraid to stand up to him and confront him over his passive aggressive behaviour?

MaeveDidIt · 18/04/2020 19:32

How utterly draining for you.
He's resentful, jealous and controlling.
Very unattractive behaviour.
Tell him to get a bloody grip..

MissHoskins · 18/04/2020 19:37

monkeymonkey2010
It's very easy to see that you've never been in a relationship where coercive control is involved. You obviously have very strong boundaries, maybe Jungle Jane doesn't. There are many and varied reasons why women get involved with emotionally abusive men and have children with them. Please don't have a go at her because she's not as emotionally strong as you.

Koalaing · 18/04/2020 19:46

I really do think that this could be verging on abusive. He's doing this so that you just don't bother trying anything new, taking up new hobbies, FaceTimeing friends etc because it's more hassle to hear him going on about it afterwards.

Is there any other jealous or controlling behaviour, or is it just this?

Koalaing · 18/04/2020 19:50

MissHoskins, I consider myself emotionally strong, with strong boundaries, and I ended up in coercive relationship. The men don't tell you not to see your friends any more on the first date. It's very subtle and very clever, and by no means a reflection of a person's emotional strength.

BeetrootRocks · 18/04/2020 19:58

He can go though can't he? There must be a time when it works for you to go, and a different time for him to go? Even if you are both working still.

What would happen if you said, ok I'm doing mine at midday every day and you can do yours at 5 (or whatever), that's sorted then! And just do it....

Have you tried that?

I do have empathy with this as my DH has
Not much get up and go
Wants to be with me all the fucking time

He is loving this situation. He's not an out and out arsehole but this sort of thing stems from insecurity etc. It's shit. It's the only sticking point in our relationship and yes it is controlling.

What would happen if you just said, I'm doing this, and that's that, and ignored his sadface etc?

MissHoskins · 18/04/2020 20:06

Koalaing
None of them start on the first date do they? It's always so subtle and can be very hard to explain to those that haven't experienced the reality. My comment was to a poster that seemed incredulous and unable to understand coercive control.
I was just trying to say that the "why did you have children to him" comments are not helpful.

Original poster
JungleJane11 · 18/04/2020 20:07

@Koalaing I always think abusive is a very strong word, but i suppose there can be varying degrees of that.

Obviously the lockdown sort of exacerbates issues and our freedom is so restricted at the moment, we can end up feeling a little trapped and frustrated.

I do think it's controlling. I am always very open with him and I even said today that it is very childish and controlling behaviour.
In terms of whether or not there is other controlling behaviour, I suppose there probably is, but it is all more or less in the same vein as my first example. I show initiative for anything, he's in on top of it immediately.
When we first started going out, we worked at the same company. His job was quite low skilled and and his salary a fair bit less than mine. He was a bit clingy in the early months but we got on very well so I suppose I dismissed it. I used to stay at his place regularly enough on weekends, and on a Sunday evening he would be suggesting coming back to mine with me even though I felt I made it clear that spending all weekend together was quite enough for me. I used to say I needed to do laundry etc. and he would reply "oh, fair enough. But I wouldn't be in your way..". I know these are red flags but we were friends through work already and had lots of mutual friends through the job, so I just brushed it under the carpet I guess.

Fast forward to now, he has done extremely well in his career since then, and now makes multiple times my salary plus generous bonuses and supports the 4 of us himself. And now it seems like its turned from clingyness to resentment and control over the years.

OP posts: