Boyfriend said he wished I died

[Mayjames]

Hi, this might be something or nothing but to be honest I’m slightly confused.

We are having issues anyway in our relationship but ok At the moment and in general... so we were play fighting and messing about with each other and then he randomly says he wished I would die... I just don’t get where it came from...

I straight away stepped back and asked what he said Incase I heard it wrong and he repeated it. Since then I haven’t spoke, he asked me smirking if I was going to be upset Because of it, asif it was nothing.

As I said, I’ve said nothing since and neither has he. Am I being over dramatic and what does it mean for someone to say that, especially not in an argument. I just find it weird, really weird and it has upset me, I think it’s a really strong thing to say.

Any help? I don’t know how to approach it or if I’m being too sensitive 🤨

Why is 'getting through to him' so important? Do things in your life only become real when he acknowledges them as real?

'I had soup for lunch', 'No you didn't', 'Oh, how can I possibly get through to you that I had soup for lunch'?

It's a ridiculous exchange, because whether or not you had soup for lunch is an independent fact. It does not depend upon whether your BF acknowledges it. It's the same with your feelings. He doesn't get to tell you what your feelings about your experiences are, any more than he gets to tell you whether you had soup for lunch.

Stop trying to persuade and begging for understanding, start telling.

You do realise that when he decides to dump you, or to hurt you, what you think about it will be of no importance whatsoever? He doesn't care at all about 'getting through to you'. He's just angry you won't do as you're told and continue being his convenient support act.

He’s angry at you? Seriously! When he smirked after?

He wanted to hurt you, he’s an unpleasant character. Your call if you wish to be with someone like that, but his behaviour is beyond abnormal. And let’s face it deeply unattractive.

If that doesn’t give you the ick, I’m not sure what will.

I'd be checking whether he's taken insurance out in your name. That is frankly an abnormal thing to say in a supposedly 'normal' relationship.

He sounds like a nasty, bitter person OP. I bet if
you look back on your relationship there's been many incidents where he's made underhand comments, half-assed apologies and a flurry of pathetic excuses.

I'd have his bags packed by the end of the day... what an asshole

Is he stealing from you? Do you give him money? There is a huge amount of resentment present in that statement if it isn't coming from a sinister place. Why does he resent you so much? Is he seeing someone else?

Dont focus on him for another minute. He does t matter anymore. What he thinks, feels or says are unimportant now. What matters is what you want for yourself. Please work out what is in your best interests to do right now and if possible the future.

I haven't rtft but my ex once said similar to me. He was a controlling, abusive bully. He got a kick out of hurting me. He also smirked when he said it because he knew what he was doing.

Honestly, leave your bf. He is not a good man.

Bloody hell! If someone told me they wished I was dead, then smirked, then told me they "didn't mean to say it", it would always be on my mind that they felt that way. I would probably worry they would try and kill me.

Why did he wait for you to ask why he said that horrible statement before he apologized. He wouldn't be my boyfriend after saying that.

If you do just one thing today, let it be this: read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's available free as a PDF online.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It's mainly about physical abuse but covers all types of abuse, had lighting etc.

The abuser profiles/types section is particularly good.

Of course, no one has ever shouted at their partner during a row "drop dead" but this definitely seems different to me, especially with the smirk. Get rid.

Hes goading you into ending the relationship because he is too chicken to do it

As others said, why are you trying to convince him of anything?

What will happen if you somehow get through to him?

To say that out of the blue with no argument and then repeat it with a smirk is psycho.

After 8 years of being with an abusive drug addict, you're going to doubt yourself because he's ground you down so much.

That little niggling bit you felt that made the hairs on your neck stand and your blood run cold after he repeated it, that is your intuition and good sense warning you about him.

That part that is making excuses for him and well I'll just brush it off and continue to stay with him, tell that part to get stuffed.

Take some action today by ringing Women's Aid and other resources. Take some time by yourself quietly to sort your finances and see where you are right now and look at a way out of this.

There's got to still be a little part of you saying, this shit ain't right. I need to do something now. Listen to that part. Reach out to someone you can trust to talk to IRL about this.

why are you trying to convince him of anything? I can relate to this. For me, it comes from never having my thoughts validated as a child (dismissed or ignored instead).

You don't develop trust in your own perspective. I wonder if the same thing happened to OP.

Incidentally, counselling and relentless journalling helped me, but I still often tune myself out, and have a strong need to be understood by others.

You have to amplify as best you can, that little quiet voice inside and also tune into your gut feelings.

He'd be goneburgers if I were you. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're overreacting, you do what you need to do to ensure your safety. I couldn't have sex with him again, for fear that it would be my corpse being picked over in a 'rough sex gone wrong' defence murder case.

It's even worse to say that in cold blood rather than in the heat of a row (though that is bad enough) - he really meant it, to say it like that.

My ex once told me that he dreamt about killing me and making it look like a sexual accident. TBH he used to say the most inappropriate things all the time in front of other people and I excused it as just another stupid thing he said.

It wasn't until I escaped that marriage and had counselling for everything he put me through that I was made to see what a dangerous comment that was for him to make, and in fact the marriage had been emotionally abusive. I then discovered that his previous relationship had been the same and she'd had the police out to him for trying to strangle her.

No one who loves their partner would say this to them. Please think of yourself you deserve better

Do you watch Coronation Street op? Bit like killing a chicken and then excusing what you did.

Your relationship is abusive imo.
Get rid op.

He's gaslighting you and playing the victim after something he's done. Rather than try to get through to him you should end it and stay clear of him. Best thing you could do for yourself is drop this guy like a sack of burning shit.

OP, he might not have meant to say it out loud and surprised himself there, but his subconscious obviously overcame his consciousness .
Something is wrong with his brain, something which you can't fix, so if you don't want to jeopardise your safety start taking steps asap to leave. Do you own a property together? Everything practical can be sorted, nothing is insurmountable.

Also tell all of your family and friends he said it and tell him you informed them.

The play fighting is a prelude to real violence.

The comment is a little window into just how much danger you are in.

This man hates you (possibly all women) sorry but he does. His actions and his words are those of complete contempt.

You should seriously consider that your life is in danger with this man. Don’t wait to find out if he really meant it or not.

Do not continue to press him on the subject, you are giving him the excuses that he wants you to, this is a trap. “she pushed me too far”

What will he do next?

Find a way to leave quickly and quietly from this situation

Sounds like psychopathic 'tell' with the smirking, he sounds really creepy. Please don't waste another 8 years of your life with him, he sounds unhinged

It would have been over OP.

Hed rather you dead.

That he could think it.
Then say it.
Then repeat it.

It would be over.

Why would you waste a precious minute of your life on someone who could think like that.

He's not a healthy individual to be around.

Who cares what HIS problem is.
Don't make his problem YOURS.

Be gone.

I never get why adults play fight. Sounds odd to me but I realise I am on my own with that. My 5 and 7 year old play fight and one always end s up getting hurt. Anyway it does sound really twisted, it's worrying what he sa id.

Play fighting is a way to exert dominance.
You see it in loads of mammal species.
Human children use it in a similar way, but generally grow out of it as we mature and learn that physical strength is not the only measure of human success.
I suspect sport has evolved as a way to harness these mammalian urges and enable civilised society.

I don’t see it as much of a problem for young human siblings (like it isn’t much of a problem for a litter of young kittens) as long as parents step in when it starts to escalate, but if it’s still going on when we start to gain strength and mass at puberty (and thus have ability to cause real damage) the energy needs to be funnelled into something disciplined rather than something instinctive (martial arts is brilliant for this).

An adult man instigating playfighting with a female partner is all about dominance, and the fact he hasn’t grown out of it or learned to contain it is a massive red flag.

A lot of couples seem to do it though I've never done it in a relationship before or as an adult but seems common from what I've heard and mutual