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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend said he wished I died

165 replies

Mayjames · 03/03/2020 20:56

Hi, this might be something or nothing but to be honest I’m slightly confused.

We are having issues anyway in our relationship but ok At the moment and in general... so we were play fighting and messing about with each other and then he randomly says he wished I would die... I just don’t get where it came from...

I straight away stepped back and asked what he said Incase I heard it wrong and he repeated it. Since then I haven’t spoke, he asked me smirking if I was going to be upset Because of it, asif it was nothing.

As I said, I’ve said nothing since and neither has he. Am I being over dramatic and what does it mean for someone to say that, especially not in an argument. I just find it weird, really weird and it has upset me, I think it’s a really strong thing to say.

Any help? I don’t know how to approach it or if I’m being too sensitive 🤨

OP posts:
willowmelangell · 03/03/2020 23:18

Please tell us you are looking at him in a new light.
He repeated it and smirked. You cannot un hear or un see what you know happened. Do not doubt yourself.
Don't waste any more time on him. You are worth so much more and deserve so much better.

MissConductUS · 03/03/2020 23:19

There's an old saying that if someone says they're going to kill you, you should take it seriously.

He's not a nice person at the very least and could be much worse. Throw him back in the dating pool.

HowCanYouSayThat · 03/03/2020 23:20

For your own sanity - dump him.

museumsandgalleries666 · 03/03/2020 23:49

He doesn't sound like much fun. Why would you want to stick around. Get out asap, tell him you're not compatible and don't engage with him ever again.

ChinChinPassMeTheGin · 04/03/2020 00:40

@CalleighDoodle where does it say he uses cocaine have I missed something in this thread.

But OP I agree with everyone get rid, and get rid fast.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 04/03/2020 00:52

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? He explains that they know exactly what they're doing when they pull stunts like this on you.
You can explain as clearly as you like, as many times as you like but they don't care! He's enjoying watching you you're yourself in knots. He's doing it on purpose. He keeps you off balance on purpose.....
As you said he's flipped the blame on to your lots of times in there past eight years. As many on MN say, he's told you what he is about - believe him! Time to get out of this relationship..... Good luck!

NoMoreDickheads · 04/03/2020 01:07

Brrr, OP, no! Especially as there are other issues with him.

That is frankly disturbing, and it's 'good' that it's given you the horrors. Act on that, see it as the final nail in the coffin, and make the break, possibly for your own safety!

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2020 01:08

He’s testing to see if you’ll accept this escalation in poor behaviour. Accepting it in his head is sticking around for more.

Original poster
Mayjames · 04/03/2020 01:20

To be honest I’m struggling with it right now, I’ve said all the points that it doesn’t matter if it’s a joke, that it hurt me despite him meaning it or not and nothing seems to be getting through. He’s saying I’m taking it too far and because he didn’t mean it doesn’t seem to think of it as a big deal at all. I Am starting to think I should consider leaving him but it’s hard. I know he wouldn’t literally mean it but it’s came from somewhere but tbh it’s not even that anymore it’s how he’s acting now and being now.

OP posts:
pallisers · 04/03/2020 01:30

Who says as a joke to the person they love "I wish you would die" Who?

Come on OP. You know he is a bit of a shit at best and a sociopathic woman-hater at best. You can do better.

And how do you know he wouldn't literally mean it? He might not want to kill you but he might wish you dead so he can move on to other things. You might have got a fairly grim insight into his inner voice.

Please, OP. Don't think this is the best you can do. A guy who says he wants you to die twice and thinks it is just a bit of banter. Grown up life and love aren't like that.

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 04/03/2020 01:38

Healthy relationships do not contain statements such as this said between the people in said healthy relationship.

It's likely hard for you to process this because you're within this (toxic) relationship and have been so long, making it hard to get a better perspective on it all. I know how that is because I have been in a few abusive relationships and know how hard it is to see what's right in front of you. The fact is he's not an ideal partner and you're not in a healthy relationship with this man.

momtoboys · 04/03/2020 02:19

I was in an abusive relationship as a young woman. We would be out at a party and he would pull me down on his lap with a huge smile on his face and say quietly " you are such an asshole". The entire time with that smile. And then he would pinch my side as hard as he could. Again, the smile.

Run, OP, run'

Original poster
Mayjames · 04/03/2020 02:49

The thing is he’s never physically hurt me and I don’t think he would and that’s the reason what he shocked me soo much because it wasn’t even in a serious or heated conversation. I think he shocked himself saying it but the fact is he still said it. There are issues we have in our relationship anyway that we are trying to rebuild but it feels more on sided tbh. He’s so angry at me for thinking he could mean what he said because ‘mI should know him’’ and know he would never mean it but again I’ve explained it’s the fact he’s said it. It’s not nice to hear and disgusting as you’ve mentioned. That’s what I said, it’s not a joke how could it be. It’s not funny, neither of us laughed. It’s just ridiculous. I was hoping he would see the seriousness of it and although he’s saying he knows it’s bad I don’t think he thinks it’s as bad as I’ve made out.

OP posts:
tallulahhulah1 · 04/03/2020 03:06

In the words of Whoopi Goldberg

"Molly, you in danger girl"

herbie01 · 04/03/2020 03:11

Do you have somewhere/ someone you can go and stay with in RL, to get away from the situation for a few days? (Mum, sister, friend?)

You need to take a step back and see an outsider perspective on this, and get away from his minimising it as that is fueling your doubt of how serious this is.

It IS NOT normal for a loving, caring partner to say that - no matter whether accidental or intentionally said. What's come out of his mouth is what's in his brain. To then say it again with a smirk is psycopathic.

It's just not ok he said that. NOT OK!!!

Lweji · 04/03/2020 03:30

Some time down the line, when he physically hurts you, he'll be sorry and he didn't mean it and how would you think he actually wanted to hurt you.

This is someone who said he wished you were dead. Why do you think you can get through him?

Why are you talking to him? Why are you letting him mess up with your head?
Just end it. Nothing good will come of it.

alexdgr8 · 04/03/2020 03:57

the OP sounds very similar to one a few weeks ago.
have you posted on here before.

Beautiful3 · 04/03/2020 04:06

That's not normal. I've been with my partner for 18 years. We've had some right rows, but have never said that we wished each other dead. If you dont end it, it will get worse. Its verbal abuse. You'll have noone to blame but yourself.

Toomanygerbils · 04/03/2020 04:15

It’s a really odd thing to say to anyone you like let alone love. I can’t see how it’s a joke in anyway. Even in my teens when we used to say some pretty mean jokey things to each other they would always have some kind of content, related to something in the news, or some recent local event (yes without a doubt still mean but the people understood the very bad childish jokes)

If he said it by accident, as in somehow he choose the wrong words then why wouldn’t his immediate response be remorse and apologies, followed by lots of grovelling and reassurance

The bit which worries me most is his smiling at this and not showing any empathy or understanding. Does he have any mental health issues or diagnosis? Has he any criminal convictions. Is he close to his family? I wouldn’t want to use the word psychopath from one example of his behaviour but I would be concerned

SureTry · 04/03/2020 04:32

He said it unprovoked, he repeated it with a smirk on his face so no he isn't "shocked". Leave the relationship, the "play fighting" will only escalate. With all these cases of men killing women and using the aggressive sex excuse, I'd be gone!

MsDogLady · 04/03/2020 05:09

You previously wrote that you had no trust. He was using drugs and lying to you about it, and had verbally abused you. Now this, which is utterly twisted.

Why on earth would you stay with this abusive man who has intentionally disturbed and unsettled you?

springydaff · 04/03/2020 05:56

Really disturbing Sad

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2020 06:25

You have been with this horrible, abusive drug user for EIGHT years? Why? What positives does he actually add to your life? In addition to all the verbal abuse, what's with all the playfighting? This isnt normal. It is a precursor to outright physical violence. 5 pages of posters telling you how abusive he is and that you must leave, and yet you are still trying to rationalise his behaviour.

@Mayjames... LISTEN TO YOURSELF:
I’ve said all the points that it doesn’t matter if it’s a joke, that it hurt me despite him meaning it or not and nothing seems to be getting through. ... I know he wouldn’t literally mean it but it’s came from somewhere but tbh it’s not even that anymore it’s how he’s acting now and being now.... There are issues we have in our relationship anyway that we are trying to rebuild but it feels more on sided tbh. He’s so angry at me for thinking he could mean what he said because ‘mI should know him’’ and know he would never mean it but again I’ve explained it’s the fact he’s said it. .... I was hoping he would see the seriousness of it and although he’s saying he knows it’s bad I don’t think he thinks it’s as bad as I’ve made out.

How many more times are you planning to explain things to him in the hope that you'll get through to him? He is getting it perfectly without your explanations. Can you not get it into your head that he is doing all this DELIBERTATELY?

I Am starting to think I should consider leaving him

I cannot begin to imagine what horrible upbringing you must have had, to stay with an abuser for 8 years and only now considering leaving him. For your own protection, both physical and emotional, you must leave him NOW. It is imperative that you do.

If you do just one thing today, let it be this: read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's available free as a PDF online.

wibdib · 04/03/2020 06:32

Just double checking... if the worst were to happen to you is there any way that he would profit financially? Would the mortgage be paid off? Is your property joint tenants or tenants in common? Has he got a life policy on you? Is he the recipient of any work benefit? Anything else?

On the off chance that he means anything by this and that there is any temptation that would mean he would or could benefit to feed his cocaine addiction... I would make sure that no money goes to him in any way shape or form...

AlwaysCheddar · 04/03/2020 06:32

Get rid now. That’s not normal. He must have been thinking it, or that he wishes the relationship was dead. Don’t be a mug and stay with him. He’s vile.

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