Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Codles]

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

Yes he will cheat again, no he won’t change. Sorry.

Why are you putting yourself through this? You know the answer to your question.

Please think about your poor DCs in this - they dont deserve having a Dad who is on and off drugs, disrespecting their mother and cheating with multiple other people over the course of your relationship

He’s horrible anyway. Not only is he a cheat, he’s a cheat that’s put your sexual health at risk by having unprotected sex elsewhere.

The charmer then says that the woman who was pregnant with his child meant nothing to him and he was just fooling around. What an arsehole.

He'll cheat again. I have no doubt at all. Get tf away from him.

Why are you putting up with this? This whole thing is a complete mess. He’s lied and cheated throughout your entire relationship.

IMHO men who cheat don't change.

Some of them might stop cheating but I think this stems from a fear of being caught or a fear of losing things (home, wife, kids, comfortable life) than a genuine desire to not hurt the person that they love.

He's not once a cheat is he. He has consistently cheated and no, it's not the convenient excuse of the drugs, it's his personality.

A druggie cheater. Not exactly great dad and husband material.

I hope you’ve had an STI check as he clearly doesn’t use contraception.

I'm afraid I agree with MrsAgassi. He is using the drugs and his treatment for the drugs as an excuse for bad behaviour, and to make you feel concerned and sorry for him for his addiction, instead of owning his responsibility for his choices and actions. It will be hard for you and your children at first, but you have to acknowledge that this not a situation that you would like to continue, and you should take steps to protect them and yourself from a father and parent who doesn't share your values, and will continue to find excuses for the hurt he is causing you.

I hate that saying, because I disagree with it generally, but in your case yes. He is not a good partner, he will continue to cheat.

You are never ever going to be able forgive and forget what he has put you through!! She rang you during labour!!!!

Once you get rid of him you will be able to start to properly heal from all of that trauma. You can’t do it with him

‘He even proposed immediately after this.’

He’s panicking.

‘I said yes’

Oh dear.

It’s up to you op but can you really trust him? He has cheated more than once. Do you want this life for you and your child?
Is he in the other child’s life?

History of cheating. History of drug use.

Why on earth are you wasting your life with this guy?

This isn’t the case of ‘once a cheater....’
This man has never been monogamous and clearly can’t be with just one person.
He’s had a parallel relationship with someone throughout your ‘relationship’, and unprotected sex with everybody.
How he manages to keep all these women interested and hooked on him is beyond me.
He must be very special 😳😊🤷🏻‍♀️

This man is never going to stop.. You know that. Decide if you’re willing to have an open relationship or not. If not, you really need to move on.

Also, you really need to get STI testing. God knows what you may have caught from him.

It isn’t just a one off though is it?

I’m not a fan of that phrase. But he’s a serial cheat and a liar and you appear to continually tolerate his behaviour. The drugs thing is an excuse and he’s minimising his behaviour. Was he cheating on his ex with you?

You cannot keep tabs on someone 24/7 for the rest of your lives.

You cannot trust him.

Move on.

In this case, clearly yes..he will just carry on. It is his modus operandi.

"Cake eating is the preferred Nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater. It’s the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the spouse. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the spouse is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps. Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage through their own lens, of monogamy and commitment to one person. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for the AP. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. They would prefer a competition in which they are the center of the drama — all attention is on them! And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. Cheaters would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The Humiliating Dance of ‘Pick Me’!”)

The goal of cake is not to choose. Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful to the spouse, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense."

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Of course he will.

FOR THE FIRST OPTION .

He sounds like a serial philanderer. He doesn’t place any value in women at all. He’ll do whatever he can get away with, using any excuse and he knows he’ll always have some woman to fall back on. You need to find your self respect and get rid of him. Hes never going to change. He’s not exactly a catch if he’s heavily into drugs. I’m not really sure what either yourself of these other women are seeing in him?! He’s impregnated 3 women including yourself in the time that you’ve been together. You deserve someone that will love you and treat you well. He’s not the one.

Op, he offers you more commitment to get you to stay and to demonstrate he loves you - the issue is, his love isn't worth shit and certainly doesn't mean he intends to be faithful. He just wants to keep you.

You deserve better in life than to be tied to a cheating user.

No he won't change. He uses drugs as an excuse and i am sure he can find plenty more excuses in the future.

If you wouldn't want your child to be like him or accept his crappy behaviour then leave him.

Of COURSE he will cheat again!!!! You know he will! Please do NOT marry this scum bag! If anything for your kids sake!