Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Once a cheater always a cheater?

216 replies

Codles · 26/02/2020 12:05

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

OP posts:
ShalomBitches · 26/02/2020 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilbertMarkham · 26/02/2020 16:46

Stop thinking you've won the pick me dance.

That's what I was thinking.

This guy sounds like a Jeremy Kyle contestant, barely able to hide the smirk while his baby mamas (and almost baby mamas, who he treats like shit, cat fight over him like he'd some prize.

The drug addition just completes the look + let me guess op, you need to be a good partner and support him through that as well.

GilbertMarkham · 26/02/2020 16:46

*he's

porple · 26/02/2020 16:46

personally i think that he will cheat again

GilbertMarkham · 26/02/2020 16:47

He'll.panicabdbeg and plead when it looks like his main woman )and home provider) might dump him but it's only to get the power back. He'll be back catting around when he feels secure again. Doesn't sound like one woman is enough for this guy.

SubordinateThatClause · 26/02/2020 17:09

LTB. He won't change.

isthismylifenow · 26/02/2020 17:18

OP. Read your thread back to yourself and pretend this is not you in the situation.

Why are you believing everything he is telling you, when you already know that he lied outright?

I think you know what the answer to your thread title is. The blame will just lie elsewhere next time.

mayathebeee · 26/02/2020 17:23

I never understand how anyone can say ' it meant nothing' as an excuse.

So a person will fuck up their family for something that meant nothing? Or are actually telling you that you mean nothing because what they did isn't that bad.

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 17:28

Is it not possible at all? I know him and he's a good person

He's honestly not. Cheating on you is awful and no drugs can excuse that, especially as he was off the drugs some of the time he did it.

It's only a month or less since he contacted the OW.

This woman (the one who had an abortion) I feel like she's obsessed with us because she's always posting facebook statuses aimed at us and always wants to speak negative things about him to me and I'm sick of it.. she doesn't want to accept that he has moved on with some one he loves and I hate it.. she is just so negative all the time..

Block her then. Then you don't have to read the stuff, and eventually she won't post it so often as you're partly the target audience. Insist he block/delete her on everything too of course, if he hasn't already. Same goes for any other women.

*he says she's lying about everything and I want to believe him^

You might want to believe him, but you know you can't. You know for a fact that he messaged her only a few weeks ago.

You truly deserve better than this OP. There are guys out there who haven't and won't cheat on you. Dump him, it'll give you a boost not to put up with this behaviour- trust me, I know the benefits of dumping an arsehole.

startrek90 · 26/02/2020 18:30

Op, I feel so bad for you as you sound so upset but I am afraid for the sake of those 2 children caught up in this guys wake you need some tough love.

Yes he will probably cheat again, he is a serial cheater and trust me they don't change. To be perfectly honest though I do think that cheating is the very least of your problems.

I think, from what you have said at least, he is not engaged in an honest recovery. I have been sober just 8 years this February and I have hit speed bumps along the way, one thing I do know is that if an addict is to make a lasting recovery l, they must take responsibility for the bad decisions they make and not blame anyone else. Not blame the drugs, the alcohol, their life not anything. Your partner has not done that. Unfortunately you cannot make him do that, that's why if an addict is to truly get better they have to WANT to get better.

And lastly op, you really have to stop enabling his poor decisions. You also have to stop looking to blame others or dismiss his choices as mistakes. I know you think you are helping him, but you really aren't when you are make excuses.

I really think you need to take a step back, if not for the sake of you and your child but for his sake. If your partner is to truly get clean, then he has to own his choices and make an active decision to change his life. I think contacting NA (narcotics anonymous) would be really helpful for you. I know they have sessions for the families of addicts, I also think the freedom programme would be helpful to you and help you explore why you enable and allow this sort of bad behavior.

BendyLikeBeckham · 26/02/2020 18:52

The drugs made him do it! Grin

That is as bad as, I tripped and fell into her vagina!

You've done the pick me dance, and you've won what? A cheating drug addict who has and will hurt you and your child.

Leave him OP. He won't change. You are deluded in thinking he is worth your love and commitment, because he will continue to shit all over that. So what if he spends all his time with you now. He is on his best behaviour for a while. It wont last. He will go in search of fresh meat, because it gives him an ego boost. And he will string you along the while time he puts his dick another women. This will go on for years, unless YOU take a stand, big up your self esteem, and kick this arse out.

Best of luck

BendyLikeBeckham · 26/02/2020 18:53

*the whole time he puts his dick in other women

sorry for typos

AnotherMurkyDay · 26/02/2020 19:07

IME most people don't change, but those who do don't do so whilst in the same relationship. He needs to go spend some time on his own. Be a decent person, parent, friend, stop using and start making changes. And it needs to come from him. Otherwise it will always just be a matter of time before he cheats again and you will always be on your guard, thinking every text or call is from the OW, trotting down to the STD clinic whenever it eventually comes to light that he's been at it again, not to mention worrying about where his money is going, does he seem high? Is he on a come down? That's not way to live. This man does not love you. He has proven that he is incapable of loving anybody right now. The only things he loves are drugs and shagging around. He has shown zero commitment. An engagement ring is just a piece of metal. It doesn't mean anything if the person is incapable of love, honestly or commitment.

Lozzerbmc · 26/02/2020 19:12

He hasnt taken responsibility for his cheating if the “drugs” made him do it? That in itself means he will do it again. It will happen when the dust settles and you return to normality. How does he demonstrate being a good father?

He’s a cheat a liar and takes drugs? Doesnt sound like a catch does he..? I think you should think better of yourself I really do

FlaskMaster · 26/02/2020 19:13

He's a serial cheat. He's never been faithful and never will be. He's on his best behaviour for a short time because he knows you'll be checking for a bit, but as soon as he thinks he'll get away with it he'll be doing it again. And it'll be without a condom, again. And there'll be more possible pregnancies/babies. He's just a selfish cheater, and no, he won't change.

Lllot5 · 26/02/2020 19:19

Ffs those poor fucking kids caught up in this shit storm.
If you have no self respect at least try to find some for your child. They deserve better even if you think you don’t, you must think they do?

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/02/2020 00:19

He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes

I'm completely at a loss as to why you think this would be beneficial in any way, shape or form to you or your child??

Fuck sake OP raise your bar by a million miles. Even if you don't think you deserve better your poor child does.

Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 02:34

No one here knows the situation and he really wants to better his life and settle down.. I want my son to grow up with both his parents in the same home.. he is about to turn 30 and doesn't want to continue doing the things he did in his 20s.. i never run after him.. he always comes back to me no matter what..

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/02/2020 02:59

Your self esteem must be very low to accept all this. Do you think this is the best you can get? I'd work on your self esteem as a priority because he is a selfish asshole that cannot be trusted and only thinks about himself. Will he change? No. He's been the same selfish man since the day you met.

finn1020 · 27/02/2020 03:11

yeah we don’t know the situation. He sounds appealing, a druggy loser, a poor victim of his own circumstances, who’ll probably give you a STD or two every other year. At least staying with him means your child will have a great role model to learn from when he starts using too.

isthismylifenow · 27/02/2020 04:12

Why did you post OP? . It's clear as day what you are going to do.

I wish you all the very best, but I have a feeling that you will post here again somewhere down the line.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 27/02/2020 04:38

You'd be an absolute fool to marry this cheating druggy scumbag, but I bet you will. Good luck with that, you're going to need it! My advise is to make sure you have regular STD checks and ensure your contraception is bullet proof.

isthismylifenow · 27/02/2020 05:45

I want my son to grow up with both his parents in the same home

I think that it is far better for you child to be brought up in a home where there are no trust issues, games and lots of doubt and tension.

Tiredandold1 · 27/02/2020 06:03

It’s clear you really want it to work out but do you think every single PP has mis-read the situation? He’s just not the man you want him to be, which is really disappointing, but by continuing to enable his bad behaviour, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. Your son will always have two parents but for his sake as much as yours, be strong, and leave this selfish, unreliable and unkind man. You will be so much better off in the long run. Good luck.

WhiteBadger · 27/02/2020 06:03

Of course he comes back to you!! Because you always take him back no matter what!!

I'm surprised you can't see what he has done to you is exactly what he did to the first one, the pregnant one. You got with him while she was pregnant, everything he told you about her will be what the told the other other (abortion) lady.

He's a sleazy waste of space and will tell you anything to keep you. Not because he loves you but because it's easy. And he knows he can carry on treating you like shit as you will take him back. Every. Time.

Every single person on this thread knows this. Except you.

You will stay with him and continue to be treated like shite for the next 20 years. Probably have another couple of kids too.

Please darling wake up and smell the roses. Do you not have anyone in RL who can support you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread