Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Codles]

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

Well, you seem determined to give him yet another chance.

My advice to you in that case is

• become/stay financially independent of him,
• have a social circle of your own
• make a promise to yourself that if it ever happens again you end it.

he is there for me and my son like never before.. we spend all our time together.. I believe he has changed and wants to be with me.. why would he do all these things if he didn't want to be with me?

Well time will tell, won’t it? So far he’s been treating to like a queen for no more than a month as far as I can tell, whereas he’s been treating you like a doormat for the past five or six years. It’s a bit early to be proclaiming that he’s a changed man.

Come back to us in six months time and let’s see how he’s doing then.

he has really proved himself over the last few weeks.

No, he's proven he can be ok for a couple of weeks when he wants to.

Which makes it worse tbh because he can control his behaviour he just hasn't wanted to in the past despite frequently upsetting you.

You said you left him but does this mean you're back together?

Wtf? You ended of with him yesterday/day before yesterday?

So he's a (former) druggy, hopefully.
Has been involved in crime/gangsterism.
Has shagged and impregnated at least two other women since you've been together.
Has two kids do far by two different women, neither of whom he supports.
(you and your child live at home with your parents, where does his other child's mother live? Does he give either of you any steady money?)
He lives at home.
He only my had a casual job.
You know he's lied to your face repeatedly (until the other girl he knocked up proved he was).
He got together with you when you were only just the age of consent (or maybe younger than it) which is fkg creepy and not right.

..... Sounds like a great bet.

I hope he does change.

All I know is my sister's ex was nowhere this bad and he only kept his change up for a few months.

V glad to hear you're working and studying.

You're making him sound worse, not better to be honest.

You really could benefit from therapy OP to help you understand why you are so content with so little. He's treated you and other women like crap for years, and all it takes is a couple of weeks of sweet talking for you to forgive and forget. Your self esteem must be on the floor and it's really sad reading.

Why are you willing to settle for so little??
& what sort of a role model would he be for your son? Honestly, you'd be showing him that it's ok to treat women that way and it's ok to cheat on them and go out and get other people pregnant and lie to them repeatedly, and that it's ok to get into gangs and do drugs?! You should want better for you and your son. You don't have to settle. he may say he 'loves' you, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life alway second guessing yourself? And always wondering where he is if you've had an argument, or if he's out shagging some random woman he's picked up while you're at home with your son? Never knowing if he's lying to you.? That's no life, and you're so young still..

He has no reason not to cheat on you again, he knows you’ll tolerate whatever he does.

The first time he treats you like queen is when you dump him.
What does that tell you?

Come on OP, think if this was your friend what would you advise them?

Out of the billions of men on the planet you seem determined at the detriment of yours and your child's wellbeing to cling to this skanky thing.

I do feel for you because I think you've been groomed and brainwashed, but this is a life lesson you're going to have to learn the hard way.

At the very least establish financial independence and get your sexual health checked regulaly.

Good luck.

OP, it doesn't matter that he chooses you (for now). He is no good for you, or your son.

He does not financially support you, he cheats on you, he puts his dick before you and your child.

He is a loser. A deadbeat dad. A waste of carbon.

Stop thinking you've won the lottery because this waster wants you. You are convenient to him. You fulfil his needs (for now). He is using you. Manipulating your feelings and making you think he has changed. He has not. He is the same person, just on his best behaviour temporarily to reel you back in, and he will hurt you again and deeper in the future.

Please get away from him now, whilst all the advice you've had here is fresh in your mind. You have such a bright happy future ahead of you. Without him.

and wants a wife and chose me – Lucky you – You won the prize (the booby prize)
he always comes back to me no matter what – Yep – because you take him back time and time again.
He always accuses me of cheating – that is called projecting. He is judging you based on HIS behaviour.
he even wants to get me pregnant again – Fuck NO!! Do not bring another innocent life into this shit show of a relationship! It will NOT last. He WILL cheat again. You will be a 22 year old single parent living at your parents while he goes off and shags whoever he wants to.
Don’t be that person.
He's not accepting it – so he has no respect for you or your boundaries!? What a catch he is (NOT)
he has really proved himself over the last few weeks – WEEKS?? Jeez. Please wake up and smell the coffee.
Value yourself more than this.
You are so so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste on this loser!

He’s not accepting it

Yes I. Or iced that too. It’s almost as if the OP is proud of the fact that he’s refusing to respect her decision. As if it shows how much he really loves her. It doesn’t. It shows how much he thinks he has ownership and control over her. Nothing more.

Anyway, they will be back together already, so we are wasting our breath.

Dearie me. Get him out of your life and keep him out of your life.

OP, I wish I had the knowledge I have now (in my 40s) when I was in my 20s. I could have saved myself from wasting 20 years of my life on a man who didn't deserve me.

I didn't have Mumsnet here to help me see what I couldn't at the time. You have.

You need to believe the wise words you've been given from women who were you 20 years ago. Learn from their bitter experience and make a good life for you and your son. It won't be with this guy.

yes me too Bendy.

OP, I know of someone like you, who has wasted years of her life on a man like this. She believes he loves her like no one else because he always comes back to her. Meanwhile, he blatantly cheats, lies and treats her worse than I've seen anyone else be treated. He once said that he doesn't know why she wants him because all he's ever done is leave her. But he's also said he knows she'll never leave him. Its a carte blanche to carry on being awful, because there are no boundaries. Meanwhile, she is absolutely convinced he adores her like no one else.

Oh and having a baby? You would be mad and exceptionally selfish to bring a child into the mix too.

You're going to take him back, but in a year, or two, remember what you've been told here. This isn't love. He has zero respect for you, and will have even less if you take him back. It's a licence for him to treat you like shit.