Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Codles]

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

Trust is something that you have to build on, it has been broken and will not mend over night, it all depends on how much you both want things to work and the only way it is going to work is if you are both upfront and honest with each other and communicate effectively instead of holding back and letting if drive you insane x

This is such a stereotypical Jeremy Kyle story that I'm surprised that he didn't get you pregnant when you confronted him about the woman who had the abortion.

The story is so predictable. Your behavior is known as hysterical bonding. You think that having lots of sex and being together all the time will fix things and bring you together but he's just enjoying more sex than usual. Your "proof" that he loves you is merely him knowing that pretending to be serious (meeting family and friends, proposals etc) are the way to your heart and reel you in. Did you grow up with divorces parents any chance ? Trying to keep him part of your family unit at all costs is ridiculous.

If he was to change, he'd be different in his relationships after you. There's too much bullshit in this relationship to work.

I've posted some really harsh, sarcastic comments and now I feel v bad because the more I think about it; this girl has been groomed by this 9 years older guy since she was 15/16.

This whole situation is not right; what the fk have her parents (or his for that matter) been doing.

Yes he will cheat again. He doesn't love you - if he did, he wouldn't lie and cheat.

Some people take cheating lying men back over and over and over - they waste their whole lives, and they believe the man loves them which is why he keeps coming back. But it's bollocks. He comes back because you let him. And he'll treat you badly because he can. Because you let him.

Op, he won't change.

You are young and you think you are in love . This is not how life is supposed to be - the cheating/checking in with other women etc is bad enough but the drugs ....urrrghhhh. You and your poor child deserve a better life than this .FGS seek some help /find someone in real life to talk to .

yes before every thing came out he would contact her but now he wants nothing to do with her because she's trying to cause trouble.

Well maybe that’s true, but all that proves is that he’d grown bored with attention from her. It’s not a sign that he won’t seek out the attention of a different woman in the future.

I’m all for giving people a second chance, especially when they are very young. Young people do stupid things. It doesn’t make them bad forever. Sometimes you meet the person you have a really deep connection with while you are still so young that you have a strong urge to explore other people sexually too. It can be tough to know what it is you want and to resist that urge to sleep around when you’ve not experienced several different relationships in your life.

But none of this applies to him, does it? He was already well into his twenties when you got together and you were an emotionally vulnerable, impressionable 15 year old in the thrall of someone much older. He’s taken you for a mug from day one and now that pattern has been ingrained in this relationship I honestly can’t see it changing.

Face it, this bloke has literally fuck all going for him. At 30 years old he can’t even live with you and do the best he can to support you and his own child. He’s a pathetic weak druggie, a liar, a serial cheat and he can’t hold down a decent job so he’s waiting for a nice easy ride off the back of mummy and daddy’s hard work. Well I wouldn’t hold your breath for that if I were you. I imagine his parents are not going to hand over the reins too easily when he’s shown himself to be a completely irresponsible, selfish loser with no self control and no conscience so far.

It’s a real shame you’ve already had a child with him while you are still so young and I understand why that makes it harder to cut your losses and move on. But that’s done now. Please please don’t fall for his shit and have another one.

Of course you won’t listen to any of this, because you want to believe that this is what real love looks like and all these other women and the drugs are just inconvenient obstacles that test your relationship and help to make it stronger. This will carry on for a few more years, probably another child, until it eventually he leaves you good and proper for someone else, or you finally admit defeat and end it, feeling completely broken, bitter and disillusioned.

Then you will remember this thread and all the advice you could have taken and you’ll feel a bit silly and very, very sad.

Why would he post out engagement on facebook for every one to see and pictures of me and is together.. posting beautiful messages about me.. I has never done this before.. why would he announce it to the whole world if he's seeing other woman? I have seen a huge change in him recently and he treats me so well and makes so much effort to make me feel loved..he has been really sweet and bought me another ring and other things

That's fine. You're making your choice. I think it's probably a mistake but sometimes we need to learn the hard way.

We're here when it goes pear-shaped.

Noone's saying he's seeing another woman .. at this time.

We're worried/convinced he'll end up cheating again sometime in the future though. Because of his track record.

He's treated you really badly, and from the viewpoint of mostly older women, we think he's likely to do it again.

I'm also pretty disturbed by how young he started seeing you when he was a full adult of 25. Most 25 yr old men do not go out with school girls - do you realise that..

It means he's got a creepy, exploitative, immoral side to him (that also shows in all the cheating and lying yes find on you). O feel like he's groomed you to influence you, do you can't think for yourself and think the sun shines out of his arse since you were very young.

You need to tell your family about all that's happened.

We're all worried (convinced realky) he'll just go back to treating you the way he has. We're not trying to be nasty.

Also he's some laugh saying he'd like to have another baby - he can't even provide for you. He's living at home with his parents. Of they were ok with you living there with him (which is not what s responsible 30 yr old should be doing but ..) He had a casual job without enough money to pay for accomodation for you two and your child, or anything else really.

So are you going to keep on living with your parents with another baby??!! What do your parents think if that idea?

It's very easy to say "let's have another child" when you have next to.no responsibility for it .. he doesn't pay for the roof over you and your baby's head; your parents do. He doesn't even pay for it if you stay with him; his parents pay gif it.
Who pays for all the stuff you and the baby need - heating, electricity, water, tv, internet, food, formula if you use it, clothes, tolietries, nappies etc etc.?

Probably not much paid by him, right?

Normal people with a girlfriend/partner and a child have to pay for all that themselves!
So it's very easy for him to have baby with you and say he'd like another one, when he doesn't have any of the responsibility that s normal (decent) person would take for one.

Guys who get women pregnant and then happily let them, their parents, the benefits system etc pay for them, while they live st home with their Mumm and dad and do casual work (and until recently take drugs).

And it's not even just you - it's another girl and her child too!!!! How much dies he lay towards her and that child? Can't be much when he only had a casual job.

Honestly this guy stinks to high heaven in do many ways and you think he's great, probably because he got you so young and had fked your head. It's so frustrating trying to talk to you.

Please tell your family everything he's done, and please please do not get pregnant by him.

Guys who get women pregnant and then happily let them, their parents, the benefits system etc pay for them, while they live st home with their Mumm and dad and do casual work (and until recently take drugs) ... Are not good guys

I think you think he's desirable because two other women shagged him - it doesn't really mean anything ... Lots of people shag lots of other people.

There are toothless, not particularly attractive, dumb, sleazy, broke guy on Jeremy Kyle with five women who've gotten pregnant by them - because the women weren't really choosy, didn't have high standards and he had a little bit of charm, had bit of banter or was forward and came into them.

A man dosn't have to be all that attractive or high value to shag women (and impregnate women), lots of not very attractive, low status men have shagged dozens of women and knocked some up too. It doesn't mean anything desirable about him.

Plus if the other women run after him it's because they've been having sex with him and caught feelings (and they haven't lost them yet), and he's been telling them z load of lies and charming them. Again, it doesn't mean he's some prize.

You're so fixated on "winning" over the other girl/s you're not seeing him for what he is.

There wouldnt have been any other girls on the scene if he was a decent guy.

What kind of father is he to his other child? Hope he has regular contact and pays maintenance. There's a lot of talk of him wanting another child with you, but what sort of father is to his illegitimate child?

He's done a real number on you OP. You are young and naive. I've been where you are, so you probably won't listen to reason - I didn't either. I felt like a right fool after. I hope you realise your worth like I did and dump him.

And him posting pictures on facebook doesn't mean anything. Plenty of married men cheat openly.

OP in the nicest possible way of you want to spend the rest of your life as a mug then continue as you are, believe what he says and convince yourself he's changed.
If you want to start respecting yourself then listen to the advice on here.
X

And him posting pictures on facebook doesn't mean anything. Plenty of married men cheat openly.

Yup, I think you think if he makes the engagement public and later marries you, he be faithful, he'll be a changed man and it'll all come right.

But lots of engaged and married men cheat and treat their wives badly; it doesn't make someone a different person because they put on a suit, say some lines, sign a book and have some photos taken.

How they act depends on their character, married or not

About 99% of people who've answered here are worried on your behalf that he he hasn't really changed. Nearly everyone.

His behaviour has been so extreme (at least two other women and two pregnancies during your five years together) .. that's why people think he'd unlikely to change.

(In fact, aside from him changing or not, I think it's far too much to forgive).

And he sounds controlling too, accusing you of cheating when he's the cheater.

You obviously had concerns yourself or you wouldn't have posted.

What do you parents think of him? Do they know all about the other women, the other baby, the drugs, the rehab and the fact he’s been seeing you since you were only 15 and he was 25?

And what do they say about it all?

Most cheaters and most drug addicts are narcissistic self pityers who get a secret thrill out of cheating or using when they've 'won over ' family or partners . Once their base is secure they will give themselves permission to use or cheat and there will be more than a little contempt for the little woman or deluded family...you will be at most risk when you feel most secure .

Why are you posting then OP?

You wrote an original post asking for people's opinions on your relationship and whether people can change.

Everyone is in agreement that this guy is bad news, disrespectful and will fuck you over repeatedly. Everything you've said since has made that more and more clear.

And yet all you're doing is saying "well then why did he do xyz see he does love me."

So if you're that sure it's all going to be fine, crack on and see what happens rather than posting for advice and then being defensive and not taking anything on board.

If you genuinely thought he has been "amazing" recently and you felt happy and secure then you wouldn't have started the thread.

It is possible that he loves the op in his own way.

Unfortunately that way is shit and not worth having.

Op thinks he'll settle down and stop this behaviour with her bug he could just keep acting like this with whoever he's with.

Oh lovey, you poor wee thing. You were my daughter's age when this man started grooming you. It's not your fault, he's skewed your perspective of what's OK. I wish you'd had grown ups around you to intervene.

It will probably take a few more years for you to see this (and my heart breaks that that's the case). You are worth more than this. He is not a prize.

Do not have another child with this man.