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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Once a cheater always a cheater?

216 replies

Codles · 26/02/2020 12:05

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

OP posts:

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 27/02/2020 11:13

Talk to women's aid. You might need some help to separate from him and parallel parent if his drug taking means he is safe to be around you and your child. A decent man would not treat you like this. And it would be better in the long run to be a single mum. I'm a single mum (a lot older than you so I know it's easier for me) but it's honestly better, more fulfilling, more rewarding and calmer on your own than with someone who causes you misery. Bottom line he is not a nice person right now and he may never be what you want him to be. He sounds really nasty and horrible. And words mean nothing (wants to take over business) look at his actions (taking drugs and having sex with multiple women)

isthismylifenow · 27/02/2020 11:22

Oh my goodness OP. You are only 21 years old.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your 20's into your 30's and the rest of days?

This is a lot. You don't need this aggravation now. You have so much ahead of you.

AnneKipanki · 27/02/2020 11:52

As if his father will allow him to take over the business .! Not going to happen .

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 12:40

It's not even a case of whether once a cheater, always a cheater?

In this case it's a question of, is a habitual repeated cheater always a cheater?

And the answer is yes.

You are so young and have lots going for you, do not waste any more precious years of your life on this wanker.

Never ever ever let someone make you think that the fact they "always come back" to you is a sign of love. It means they are so arrogant they know they can always fall back on you and every time they do, you prove them right.

Prove him wrong - split up, coparent safely with support from relevant professionals and your own network, and get excited about a life that isn't weighed down with his childish and disrespectful shit!

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 12:47

Fk OP you are sooo young.

I thought you were older, that's why I presumed you were probably set up in a house and that might've been one of the reasons he kept coming back/keeping you sweet.

So he's 30 (?) and living with his parents, an addict had to chuck his good job because of his addiction and is doing some casual work? He sounds spoilt.

No offence but I understand now why you're naive enough to believe his bullshit and not see through him. Guys who are like him often go with youngerr women, partly because they are naive and can't see through them. He's nearly a decade older than you FFS.

If he was treating you well I wouldn't be highlighting it, but he's not ; he's taking advantage and testing you like shite.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 12:56

*Treating you like shite

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:01

When we argue then he either messages the other woman or goes to see her.

So his response to arguing is not to try to resolve it, or even take timeout but to contact or go and see another woman.

"This you'd not amusing me at the minute, I'll put it down and play with this other toy".

purpleboy · 27/02/2020 13:01

So you were 15 when you got together and he was 25?

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:01

*This toy.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:02

He's not remotely trustworthy op, he plays women off against each other.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:05

He always accuses me of cheating which I have never done.

Cheaters often do that, in fact it's one the their most common behaviours. They think everyone thinks and acts like them.

They also do it to control their partner.

Bet he doesn't like you going out etc.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:11

I bet he was happy when you got pregnant so you'd be at home, occupied with a baby and "trapped" while he can do whatever (whoever) he fancies.

Bit then again he doesn't seem too bothered about who he gets pregnant, there another woman since you started seeing him a d there would've been a second if she hadn't had an abortion.

His parents must despair of him, an addict with a casual job, living in their house with two kids two different women he doesn't live with and isnt married to.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 13:16

Also sounds like he's never stopped contacting the woman he cheated on you with and got pregnant, he's still messing with her .. and you wonder why she's upset and angry and "negative".

He's really happy to have you two cat fighting and hating each other and competing over him; means you make each other the eneny and never focus on who.the real enemy is.

OldFirstTimeMum · 27/02/2020 14:54

A one off cheat could be explained as a terrible mistake, if he was upset and determined to make it work then... maybe.

But that is nit what is happening here. He will continue to cheat and will damage you and your child. Sadly.

Please get out and find a real man who will live and cherish you and your child. This might take a while but will be worth the wait.

Original poster

Codles · 27/02/2020 15:05

The woman says she didn't know about me.. they were just sleeping together and she assumed he was single..

He has since told her not to bother him and even messaged her from my number to scold her for telling lies. He has made it clear to her what he wants. She acts as if she doesnt care because she never got emionally involved with him which is why she had the abortion.. but I think she's lying and does want him! She keeps acting all innocent like she's on my side.. he says shes just telling me these things because she wants him and shes obsessed (even though she sent screenshots).. the thing is that they never even had a real relationship like he had with me..

She also said that his friends know her and even his family saw her at his place but he never introduced her to his family..just me..

She told me that he threatened to tell her parents she had an abortion and then she told me she lied about everything.. then the next day she told me the truth again and said an won't allow people to blackmail her.. I dont know what to believe necause she said she lied and now she's says she told the truth.. I really don't know.. I'm tired of this

OP posts:

Arthritica · 27/02/2020 15:09

He responds to arguments by shagging other people?
Bloody hell, he’s a nightmare. He’ll have you scared to disagree with him before you can say Coercive Control.

He isn’t choosing you, he’s placating you so he can continue to have his cake and eat it.

You and your son deserve better, OP. Find the self-worth to walk away. (I hope it comes sooner rather than later)

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:16

He has since told her not to bother him and even messaged her from my number to scold her for telling lies. He has made it clear to her what he wants.

I thought you said if you have an argument he contacts her or goes round to see her?
Or is it a different woman he does that with?

Or did he used to do it but now he's "stopped".

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:18

The woman says she didn't know about me.. they were just sleeping together and she assumed he was single..

I think I believe her.
Very few women will knowingly get involved with men who have a pregnant partner; plus did you not say he lied and lied about being involved with her, and she gave you proof so he couldn't lie any more.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:23

but I think she's lying and does want him!

Who cares if she does or she doesn't?

He's cheated on you now twice (at least) and got two other woman pregnant, one who has his baby and the other aborted (she had done fkg sense). In 5 years. . that's not actually a long time, and yes been shagging and impregnated two other women!!!

You clearly think he's a prize.

He's a cheating addict without a proper job who lives off his parents.

I suppose you think now you're engaged (presuming you stay engaged) and get married you'll both get looked after by his well off parents and he'll eventually take over the business and inherit their assets?
Maybe you will, but the likelihood is that you'll get cheated on all along the way and some more kids by different mum's will pop up sin e he's not v good at using condoms.

purpleboy · 27/02/2020 15:25

He messages her from your number?
That's a good way of keeping her on the side whilst blaming it on you.
Please open your bloody eyes. This is so hard to keep reading all these huge red flags that you seem to think make him a good loving person!
Seriously I know your young but grow up and look at what you going to be putting your child through. If you were responsible enough to create a child be responsible enough to protect it.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:25

If he did try to blackmail her .. what a scumbag (I addition to everything else).

Thing is - you know for certain he's a liar .. because he lied to you about being involved with her etc - you said he did but she gave you enough evidence to prove he is. You don't know whether she is for certain.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:26

*in addition

Original poster

Codles · 27/02/2020 15:29

And when he found out she was pregnancy he told her to have an abortion.. when I fell pregnant he was happy and was excited to tell his mom.. he even wants to get me pregnant again

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:29

Op you're so fixated on being in competition with the other girl he shagged/cheated on you with that you're totally missing the important thing .. that he's a repeated cheater and liar and that he treats you with no respect or decency.

You're not listening to what 100% of women are trying to tell you here.

Original poster

Codles · 27/02/2020 15:31

@GilbertMarkham yes before every thing came out he would contact her but now he wants nothing to do with her because she's trying to cause trouble..

OP posts:

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