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Original poster

Once a cheater always a cheater?

216 replies

Codles · 26/02/2020 12:05

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

OP posts:
Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 07:24

No I won't tell anyone about this. I feel so torn.

I would like to hear from someone who has cheated before but changed?

Perhaps I exaggerated this a bit. He is really not such a bad person. He even cries about it.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 27/02/2020 07:31

No one here knows the situation but from what you have written everyone is giving the same advice.

Sometimes Mumsnet can give a good opinion based on life experience .

I don't think you are going to listen.

isthismylifenow · 27/02/2020 08:10

I would like to hear from someone who has cheated before but changed?

Codles

I am going to shorten quite a long winded story of my experience. I was married, he cheated, had a 6 month long affair and it really only ended because I found out about it. We stayed together after the affair. Because I wanted the best life for my children and I could not cope with the upheaval that him would cause if he left, at the time. I ended up in hospital with a breakdown because of it. I found it easier to brush it under the carpet and carry on, rather than face it and deal with it. He promised to change etc etc, the usual. Guess what though. OP he DIDN'T change. He continued having affairs. I now know of 3, at the time I only knew of the most recent one that was still ongoing. But from the time of the first affair I never trusted him at all. We argued more than we ever had in our whole marriage (which was 20 years) because the trust was gone. There is no getting trust back when it is gone, I don't care what anyone says - I will disagree with them every time if they say they can trust 100% again. It is a constant thought in your head every single time they go out, work away, speak to other woman etc. It completely screwed me up. I wish now that I had the strength to walk away the first time as it would have saved me so much trauma and issues. I am most definitely emotionally scarred now. I am asking you as a mother to a mother, to think about this very carefully. What you think you are doing is helping your child by staying. But the reverse is true. Bad relationships and issues that you have (which are out of your control because of your partners behaviour) affect children.

My children have thrived since ex and I separated. My dd was admitted to hospital countless time with stomach issues. All stress induced. Since we separated, it hasn't affected her once.

You came here for advise. Please take the time to open yourself up to see what has been said here. We are not here to bully you and belittle you. Most of us have been in similar situations to you. If I can reach out to one person today to try to stop happening to you what happened to me, I will be happy. I am all for woman looking out for each other. Just read through the posts again and take time to think things over.

Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 08:25

@ isthismylifenow

Thank you for your reply. You are right. I don't really trust him, I still message the other woman (the one who had the abortion) to find out if she's seeing him and if they are still in contact.

I really really want to be with him. I just don't know what to do.

I will ask him to give me space so I can think.

and thanks to every one who replied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 08:26

@ isthismylifenow

I am sorry for what you went through. I really don't want that life.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 27/02/2020 08:35

I will ask him to give me space so I can think

I think this is a good approach. You do not have to make a decision overnight but taking some time is a good thing.

IdleLiz · 27/02/2020 08:44

he always comes back to me no matter what..

Because you will always take him back regardless, and he knows it.

Please find your self respect.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 09:15

he always comes back to me no matter what..

Because you take him back!

Even then woman who contacted you had an abortion rather than have his child - so she must have seen through him to done extent.

You're "ol reliable", for when he doesn't want to be alone and wants home comforts.

What are his circumstances, given he's an on/off addict - I bet you provide lodging, food etc for him.

You say he always comes back to you - but in a decent relationship he wouldn't be straying "away" in order to have to come back!!!!!

Oh and have you processed that his excuse for cheating (being on drugs) - if you believe such bullshit - means if he ever falls off the wagon, which is quite common with addicts, he could cheat again.

But I don't believe that, and neither do the rest of the posters on this thread .. Hess serial cheater.

Tiredandold1 · 27/02/2020 09:18

isthismylifenow

An inspirational post! Sorry for your experience and well done for making the break.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 09:19

Oh and sorry to be so harsh but it's pretty ridiculous to keep contacting the woman he cheated with, who had the abortion, asking her if he's about his interactions with her, checking if he's cheating with her again etc. .... And then complain about her making SM posts and saying "negative" things etc.

You keep contacting her too, you keep involving her.

(Because you don't trust him, and rightly so).

startrek90 · 27/02/2020 09:22

@Codles

Whilst you are having space I really would consider talking to NA. Even if you choose to stay with him they will give you help and support in dealing with addiction. Your partner will always be an addict and so having a support network of people who are in the same boat will be so helpful to you and nd your son. It will also help your partner should you choose to stay, you will be better informed to help deal with it should he relapse.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/02/2020 09:27

He always comes back to you because you're the mug that will take him. Harsh but true.

He doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, and you don't have an ounce of respect for yourself.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 09:29

What he's done to you to date is despicable.

He risked your health and that of your unborn child having sex with another woman without protection, and presumably continuing to have sex with you. (Even if he didn't continue during the pregnancy, he could still.have infected you with something before you got pregnant). Things like herpes could cause defects in unborn children.

Then when you were going into labour, instead of being able to be calm, positive, and concentrate on getting through the labour with your first child; you were getting contacted by another woman who your partner had been having sex with and impregnated. Which means, because of him you were going into one of the most physically and mentally traumatic experiences women have to go through stressed upset, devastated, confused a d distracted.

Then he lied to your face about being with her, causing you even more stress and upset, when you needed to be concentrating on your new baby - which is exhausting, stressful, demanding etc. enough on it own.

And you think he's a good father? The fuck he is.

Noone, not one person, on this thread thinks he's a good person who'll stop this behaviour. We're not trying to be cruel, We're were trying to stop you being treated like this further.

He's a dog, the chances of him changing are low. You're just setting yourself up for more of this shit; that's not good for your son it'd the opposite.

pintoffginplz · 27/02/2020 09:30

Don't be a fool op he will definitely cheat again, he knows you will take him back. My exh did it twice before I left him and he's cheated in every single relationship he's had. He will not change op

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 09:36

Do you really think you can't do better than a man who shags around behind your back, impregnating other women, lying to your face .. but as long as he comes back after he's done it?

You can do better, you need to get rid of them in order to do that.

SudokuQueen · 27/02/2020 10:01

We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He had a child with another woman 3-4 years into your relationship... No he isn't going to change.

Good luck though. You're now stuck with him, even if just through your child together.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 10:18

I really really want to be with him

Well you shouldn't - he's a druggy cheater.

It sounds like he cheated with you on the mother of his first child too (?)

He hasn't got any morals, that's unlikely to change.

I also meant to say - what are his living circumstances if he's not with you?
Does he work at all?

Do you not think him coming back to you/staying with you has something to do with the fact that you probably provide a clean, warm home with food cooked and laundry done, and company and sex .. a nice, comfortable base.

Where's he living if not with you -do his family put him up or are they sick of the drug related behaviour? Would he be living in a room in some shared house?
May e things weren't secure enough with any other women to move in and stay there (esp when the one who contacted you found out about his pregnant partner etc
). Maybe you're there as a secure base.

Even if he lives you in his way ; his way is shit. Not worth having.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 10:19

*loves

ferando81 · 27/02/2020 10:35

Your a child if you believe him .This isn’t one drunken slip.He has consciously decided to take drugs and consciously decided to cheat.

Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 11:03

@ GilbertMarkham He lives in a separate entrance at his parents house. He has a casual job which he started when he returned from rehab. He had a good job before but left it because of his addiction.

I am 21, I also still live with my parents but my son and I spend most days per week at his place.

His family is very well off and he wants to take over his dads business some day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Codles · 27/02/2020 11:07

He always accuses me of cheating which I have never done.

When we argue then he either messages the other woman or goes to see her.

I know this because when she sent me screenshots it included the dates and all those dates I either didn't want to see him or we had an argument.

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 27/02/2020 11:09

Yep she sure will. Sorry

rebecca102 · 27/02/2020 11:10

He I meant

PeppermintPasty · 27/02/2020 11:10

I was you several years ago. My ex cried, told me he loved me every day, said he’d never do it again, said it was the drink and drugs, went for counselling at my request (eye roll), ‘wasn’t such a bad person’, always came back to me (well, duh!), blah blah.

He never stopped, never changed. He had a period of about two years where he seemed to straighten out, he was house husband while I went out to work, looked after our tiny dd etc. But he couldn’t sustain it.

He was drunk and abusive and one time was abusive verbally to our then 5yo ds. I chucked him out. This was after years and years of putting up with the kind of crap you are describing, and making excuses for it in my mind.

I finally drew my line in the sand thanks to him starting on the child. Thank god I did. He’s been gone 7 years and because he was so fucked off that I wouldn’t take him back after doing so repeatedly for years (aka being a doormat), he got the major huff and didn’t bother with the kids any more.

I think he thought I’d chase him to be a dad. Nope. He hasn’t seen them for seven years and we three are living our best life without him.

Get rid of this shit and start living a life for you and your children instead of standing on the sidelines of someone else’s life-someone who gives not a fuck about you I’m afraid.

purpleboy · 27/02/2020 11:12

People who accuse and generally trying to deflect their own guilt for their own cheating.

It doesn't sound like you've taken on board anything people have been saying. You'll stay with him, he will carry on treating you like a mug, cheating, probably relapsing and all the while your poor innocent child will watch this over the years and recognize this as normal behavior and the cycle will continue when that child grows up and treats his own partner in the same way.

He is not a good man, he is not sorry for what he has done, he is sorry he got caught! That's it! Sob sorry about drugs being the influence and a proposal and he's got you back where he wants you.