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Original poster

Once a cheater always a cheater?

216 replies

Codles · 26/02/2020 12:05

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 29/02/2020 07:55

I thought i would check the thread for any updates and I see you have OP.

This was my last check up and post. I cannot believe that someone can be so dismissive of so much advice given, which she asked for.

Good luck OP. Noone can say or do anything to change your view. This will be a hard life lesson for you, which unfortunately you will go through to learn.

category12 · 29/02/2020 09:10

As before, he's offering extra commitment and saying what you want to hear to keep you.

Where it falls down, is you thinking that it means he wants to be faithful.

It doesn't mean that.

My ex loved me as much as he was capable of, and never wanted to leave me, or split up - he was devastated when I ended it. But he still would never keep it in his pants.

He probably does love you and he obviously wants to stay in a relationship with you. He's doing the big gestures to get you to hang on.

But he's proven repeatedly that he won't be faithful.

Expect more of the same.

Original poster
Codles · 29/02/2020 13:13

I ended things with him this morning.

He's not accepting it and he will make sure to see me every day because of we have of our son.

OP posts:
dontdoubtyourself · 29/02/2020 13:17

Yeah that's not a sign of love. It's a sign of entitlement and ignoring boundaries set.

dontdoubtyourself · 29/02/2020 13:19

And huge lack of respect. His "wants" ie to have you as his chump chump over your desire to end it.

dontdoubtyourself · 29/02/2020 13:19

You're not the exception. You're the rule.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/02/2020 13:21

Well done for ending it OP. It's not for him to "accept", he needs to understand that this is what is happening and that's that.

WidoWanky · 29/02/2020 14:10

Well done op.

Now start reclaiming your life.

He didn't want you to go out? So be out. Everytime he shows his face. Get yourself some night classes going. Meet new people. Block him on Facebook. Maybe consider getting friendly with the OW. She knew he was a dick and was trying to tell you. She could end up your best mate.

Onwards and upwards and don't look back.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 29/02/2020 14:12

He's not accepting it and he will make sure to see me every day because of we have of our son.

Actually, I don’t really believe you. But giving you the benefit of the doubt, . I hope that involves him coming to you every day rather than him expecting you to bring your son to his house. Otherwise they are empty words.

Original poster
Codles · 29/02/2020 14:20

@category12 so you think he does love me?

OP posts:
Nowayorhighway · 29/02/2020 14:21

He doesn’t sound like a very nice man if you remove the cheating from the situation really. Also, if you were together when his other child was conceived I’m guessing he was cheating on her with you? Yeah, you were obviously going to get cheated on too. It’s kind of how cheaters work, I don’t think they’re ever capable of monogamy.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 29/02/2020 14:26

My ex loved me as much as he was capable of, and never wanted to leave me, or split up - he was devastated when I ended it. But he still would never keep it in his pants.

Fucks sake Codles if you can read that sentence and all you can take from it is ‘Yay! He probably loves me in spite of everything.’ then you have a serious problem with boundaries and self esteem.

category12 · 29/02/2020 14:26

It's possible, but love is worthless when it doesn't come with loyalty and fidelity. It's not just a word you say or fuzzy feelings or wanting to keep someone around, it's putting their happiness ahead of your cock.

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 14:28

He doesn't know what love is @Codles
He believes what he feels is love but if someone loves you they don't treat you this way.
You deserve real love, where someone makes these gestures because they want to not because they have been caught out cheating on you.
One day you will find it but I highly doubt it will be with him.
You have done the right thing, it won't be easy to start but you will get through this and you will be pleased that you did when you find someone who gives you real love. X

Lucked · 29/02/2020 17:43

He doesn’t get to see you every day. No judge in the land would allow such an intrusion to your life. Do not accept that he gets daily contact.

Does he see his 2 year old child daily? Of course not! He does not want to see his child everyday he wants to control your life.

What are his contact arrangements with his older child?

Lucked · 29/02/2020 17:47

Also if you can get someone else to hand over for contact, like your parents, that would be good in the medium term until it all settles down.

You really need to have some real space from him to get back to yourself and find out what you want in life.

Chinks123 · 29/02/2020 19:34

Well done op!! He doesn’t get to “make sure” you do anything. Yes he needs to see his child, at agreed times, at an agreed place he doesn’t get to come barging over whenever he wants. Exactly what @Lucked said, this isn’t about him wanting to see the child, it will be checking what you’re doing every day and trying to worm back in.
My Ex suddenly became Disney dad when I broke up with him, wanting to be there 24/7 and asking if we could have family days out! We never had those when we were a family!? It’s all a facade to try and make you think you’ve made the wrong decision

You haven’t and trust me, when you’re 40 you won’t regret dumping him Smile you don’t believe me but it is true

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:27

*I ended things with him this morning.

He's not accepting it and he will make sure to see me every day because of we have of our son.*

I know if must be painful op and it's a lot for a such a young woman to deal with (ending a long-ish relationship with someone you've been saying since you were very (far too) young and who you've had a child with..

But his behaviour has been disgusting, awful ..

And the likelihood of him repeating it seems high.

I also think the age he got involved with you is verging on grooming/child sex abuse, you were only just at the age of consent (16) and he was nearly ten years older.
I'm sure it made it harder for you to see through him and his behaviour.

He doesn't have to.see you to.see his child. At the very most you can hand you child over (few seconds) for him to take for his access (to his home/parents house) or someone else could do handover, like your parents and you don't have to see him at all.

He probably thinks he's going to use seeing your child as a way of working on you to change your mind.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:28

As another poster pointed out, it dies g have to.beveveth day either. If you can't agree on something reasonable, you can get court arrangements made for access/visits.

You could talk to women's aid about it.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:31

so you think he does love me?

That poster said that her ex probably lived her as much he as he was capable of love, but it didn't stop him from cheating.

It could be that your ex does too as much as he is capable of living someone bug his love isn't worth having because he still treats someone he "loves" like shit.

GilbertMarkham · 29/02/2020 20:35

I know your child is only 10 months op, bit are you working or studying at all?

Do you have friends to go out and do stuff with? Any sports/hobbies?

If he isolated you cause he got involved with you when you were very young and it's been all about spending time with him and hanging at his place (parents place really) and recently looking after your child ....

Now would be a great time to get out studying etc and meet people to socialise with (presuming your parents will baby sit and you could get some childcare free maybe).

TheStuffedPenguin · 01/03/2020 07:47

@category12 so you think he does love me?

Oh ffs really?

Original poster
Codles · 01/03/2020 13:21

I've known him all these years and now is the first time he is treating me like his queen.. I can see the change.. I can see effort.. he says he knows what he wants and that his changing for me because I am what he wants .. even his family can see the change.. my family sees the change.. he has really proved himself over the last few weeks.. the other woman told me he has no contact with her and blocked her on all social media.. he is there for me and my son like never before.. we spend all our time together.. I believe he has changed and wants to be with me.. why would he do all these things if he didn't want to be with me? He comes from a good family.. he also wants to be good.. he wants to put the past behind him

OP posts:
Original poster
Codles · 01/03/2020 13:22

Yes I work and I study part-time.. every morning we take our son to creche together.. he sees his other son every weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
Codles · 01/03/2020 13:25

He was also involved in gangsterism and was stabbed last year, he almost died.. he doesn't want that life anymore.. he is done

OP posts: