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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Once a cheater always a cheater?

216 replies

Codles · 26/02/2020 12:05

Hi,

So I have been dating my fiance for 5-6 years. We have a 10 month old baby together. He has another child from a different woman and the child is 2 years old. We were together around the time his first child was conceived but things were a bit rocky then.

He was on drugs for years and during my pregnancy he was not really supportive and things were a bit rocky then too. When I was in labour a woman called me to tell me she has been seeing my boyfriend.

He said it was the drugs that made him do it. We got through that after my son was born officially got back together. He went to rehab for about 6 months. When he returned we picked up where we left off.

A month ago I found messages on his phone about him asking another woman if he could see her again. I was shocked he was seeing this woman. I got hold of her on Facebook and at first she didn't admit anything but later on she told me every thing. During the 6 months he was in rehab he sometimes came home for a day or 2 and returned to rehab. So the woman told me that when he was home for those few days now and then he would he her and she even fell pregnant but had an abortion.

She then saw him again when he returned from rehab. I confronted him and he denied every thing and said she was lying. She sent me proof (screenshots, pregnancy test) that proved he was seeing her and then he had seen her recently.

He admitted that he was fooling around but it meant nothing and she was nothing to him and that it was the drugs that made him do it. Could it be the drugs even when he returned from rehab?

He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He even proposed immediately after this. I said yes. He has been spending all his time with me, stopped seeing that woman and he does every thing he can to make me feel loved and trying to make up for everything. He really doesn't want to lose me.

Do you think he will cheat again? Or can he really change?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:33

And when he found out she was pregnancy he told her to have an abortion.. when I fell pregnant he was happy and was excited to tell his mom.. he even wants to get me pregnant again

Cool, you won.
He may shag other women and get them pregnant but he wants them to have abortions while you're the one he wants to have his kids.
He's amazing.
He loves and respects you so much.
He's a great partner.
You're better than her.
You're top dog.
He's going to make you very happy.
You'll never have to deal with anything like this at all.

I know you're really young but seriously ...

Incidentally what about the first girl he cheated with and got pregnant - dud she not obey him and have an abortion. Do you think future women might not either).

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 15:43

yes before every thing came out he would contact her but now he wants nothing to do with her because she's trying to cause trouble..

Yes, she's the one who brought trouble to your door. He had nothing to do with it.

Op, I give up but let me just leave an example of how a decent man acts when he loves someone. I have a long-term friend from uni, he met his wife when they were both about 20/21. He had previously been interested in me but I wasn't interested back. They started going out, he cut out nearly all.contact with me and was just civil when we were in contact. He stayed in a relationship with her, married her at about 25, had their two kids, bought various houses together, treats her well, had never cheated ever to the best of my knowledge (and I know he has principles around that), is friendly but totally appropriate in any contact I have with him.

She had never had to.desk with other women, never had to.deal.with cheating, never had to deal with drug addition, never had to deal with other woman getting pregnant or having a baby by him etc.
Because he is straight, normal, honest, responsible, decent - and a good partner & dad.

Your partner has, so far, conducted himself in the shittiest, lowest way towards you and i hope for your sake that he does become the totally different man that you hope he is/will.

SudokuQueen · 27/02/2020 15:47

You are deluded op but he has made you that way. Good luck, you will be sharing him with other women until you ditch him. Get yourself regularly tested for sexual diseases. You haven't won anything here, nothing at all.

Helpimfalling · 27/02/2020 15:51

Eww sorry but as soon as you said and I said yes!

I had to stop reading it's literally like eastenders and it's your life

Get away now

Arthritica · 27/02/2020 16:02

You aren’t in competition with this woman.

You should be allies, you’re both being messed around by an abusive addict.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/02/2020 16:21

You're kidding yourself OP. You sound so proud that he has "chosen" you over these other women, as if he's a major prize, when most women would run the other way from a man like that. He has chosen you because he knows you will put up with his bullshit. That's nothing to be proud of. Do you want to live your life this way? It sounds awful.

dontdoubtyourself · 27/02/2020 16:35

You are such a deluded fool.

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 16:35

And when he found out she was pregnancy he told her to have an abortion.. when I fell pregnant he was happy and was excited to tell his mom.. he even wants to get me pregnant again

I felt protective of you before OP but you know what? This is an absolutely disgusting thing to say as if it's a defence of your excuse of a partner or a win for you, especially as a mother yourself.

Lsquiggles · 27/02/2020 16:45

He sounds like a horrible person who knows how to manipulate you OP. Why did you say yes to a proposal from him when it's clear he only proposed to try and get in your good books, not because he actually wants to marry you

averythinline · 27/02/2020 16:48

Why would you put up with this?

He is treating you so badly.. you've got all your life ahead of you... you really don't have to settle for this waster

WhiteBadger · 27/02/2020 17:27

Oh my darling I just want to drive there and take you away from this wanker.

Please read these words

YOU DO NOT HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP

The lady who had an abortion, can we call her Cheat 3? Has just as much as a "relationship" as you. Stop blaming her.

What you have is toxic and unhealthy and is in no shape or form a relationship. If he loves you and his child, he would not treat you like this.

Please you're on 21, read what PPs have said about their lives with serial cheaters and liars.

He's a bad 'un and he'll cry and get angry and accuse you ... anything to keep you. And in a couple of days/weeks it will start again.

Every single person on this thread has told you this. Darling PLEASE listen.

At least tell a friend. Watch the shock on their face. Tell your mum. Tell someone. This will only get worse for you and your child.

WhiteBadger · 27/02/2020 17:29

Oh and he wants to make you pregnant again .... oh my .. there's a surprise!

adayatthebeach · 27/02/2020 17:30

She’s young you can talk to her till your blue in the face and she will still put up with his behavior. We all have to make mistakes I’m afraid. All we can do is wish her well.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:33

I was "out" bit I'll.just post again to say that if started seeing you when you were 15/16 and he was nearly ten yrs older, that I'd creepy as fk..

How many 25 yr olds do you.see going out with 15/16 yr old school girls.

It's actually statutory rape if he had sex with you before 16.

Most people who.grg together with people that young, where she makes a big difference are exploiters and abusers. Theyre not normal and not good people.

He's sort of groomed you.

You can't see this now but believe me when I say you'll see it in future, when yours older.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:33

*you're

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 17:36

*where age makes a big difference.

You really need to tell your family what this guy has done to you, or some friends .. maybe you'll.see from their reaction that we're not just all horrible bitches on here.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 27/02/2020 17:38

You were a fool to have a baby with this man. A complete fool. He will take advantage of you for as long as you keep letting him. He has zero respect for you and nothing will change that.

They say the definition of stupid is to keep on doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result.

Chinks123 · 27/02/2020 17:39

He’s not ‘once’ a cheater though is he op..he’s done it multiple times. He’s shown no care for you at all, but has managed to get you under his spell, forgiving him. He’s spoken to you appallingly, and treated you like rubbish. I get it, myself and I’m sure most of the other posters have been madly in love with a person, we’ve overlooked things, ignored their shitty behaviour because we’ve been in love. I’m sad to say you’re going to end up getting even more hurt, as this man will not change.
Ask yourself this, does he really love you? He’s saying all the right things, because he knows you’ll forgive him, and the proposal is not out of love, it’s panicking to cover his behaviour.
Sorry op but please leave him, this isn’t a real loving relationship.

Chinks123 · 27/02/2020 17:44

Oh and the messaging and running to other women every time you argue..I’ve had that before. Trust me it won’t stop. When life gets too tough at home this kind of man runs to get his back tickled instead of being a proper partner/father.
You’ll end up walking on eggshells, terrified to start an argument in case he runs off to another woman. That’s what I did. I rolled over for an easy life, thinking if I made his life amazing and stress free he wouldn’t need to cheat on me,,,,
I hope you can see how messed up that is?!?

I’m only 25 by the way, I had a dd at 18, so trust me I have been in your position.

Chattycatty · 27/02/2020 18:03

It shouldnt matter why the other woman is telling you these things if shes obsessed with him or not, he still did it he still cheated got her pregnant and now says it meant nothing, means something to you though and he knew it would hurt you and did it anyway. You are 21 run fast and far away hes a loser who wants that around their child.

Lucked · 27/02/2020 18:21

How has it come about that your standards are so low? You think a 30 year old philandering drug addict with a casual job is who you want to hitch your wagon to? This is who you aspire to be your life partner? This man who has impregnated three different women in three years?

Perhaps you should spend less time analysing him and more time working on your self esteem.

From what I can workout from the timeline in your OP he has at most been faithful for the last 4 months having cheated on you whilst you were looking after a newborn baby. On the basis of this, which is nothing, you have agreed to marry him.

Please please do not marry this man. And please make sure you have very good contraception in place.

Dogladyxo · 27/02/2020 19:55

OH WOW. Now that you mentioned your age I can see how immature you are emotionally. It's sad to see really. You won't listen to a word anyone says and the things you say and think correlate with your age and inexperience with life tbh.

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 20:14

Every time you think you're winning OP you're actually losing.

He's had unprotected sex with you and at least two other women while you've been together.

His preferred method of contraception appears to be a woman having an abortion.

Would you want your baby to have this relationship when they grow up? Really?

He isn't choosing you, he's going back to the person he knows will tolerate his behaviour and think it's all they deserve.

Every time you think he is choosing you, he is making a mug of you.

You are going to waste your 20s misplacing your anger by making your aim "winning" this man.

All the while showing your children that this is an acceptable way for men to treat women. Poor little things.

He wanted to shag you when you were 15/16. If 15, he had sex with you when you were under the age of legal consent.

He's not the prize. Happiness and healthiness is. This sounds harsh but... you're a mother now. Grow up.

Happygirl79 · 27/02/2020 20:18

Of course he will cheat again
You know he will

rooroo23 · 27/02/2020 20:27

If I was you I'd go with your gut, I do believe people can change but it depends on the full story not just snippets you've shared, it's not up to us to make the judgment for you, if you believe he's changed then give it ago but if he cheats again stand up for yourself and tell him enough enough, I hope things work out for you and you get your happy family. As for the other woman block her of everything and ignore her comments letting her get to you is getting in the way of your happiness! The drugs will have been an excuse, he will have known what he was doing and that it was wrong however maybe he's had a reality check as he's realised exactly what he had to lose and is working very hard to become the man you deserve. Obviously people are going to have other opinions to me however I do believe in second chances, good luck Smile

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