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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/02/2020 18:09

You shouldn’t have taken him back after he dumped you. Dump him, go no contact and work to raise your expectations before dating again.

peachgreen · 14/02/2020 18:10

A 30 y/o who lives with his parents and is too scared of them to openly date someone they don't approve of is no catch. Unless he's willing to put you first, he's not worth it.

puds11 · 14/02/2020 18:12

Why does he have to ‘work late’ to see you? Does he live with his parents Confused

If he dumped you because of someone else’s opinion of you that’s not going to improve. Also it’s his parents. He’ll do it again. It’s hardly the foundation of a strong relationship. Pull yourself together.

SleepWarrior · 14/02/2020 18:13

As far as I can see he's either an idiot who won't prioritise your feelings over theirs, or he's deep in the FOG of a dysfunction relationship with his parents and hasn't realised how unhealthy this is.

Either way doesn't bode well for your future as a couple. I'd call it a day I'm afraid. That's no way to live.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:14

Yes he lives with his parents.
Basically, rather than say he is seeing me he says he is working late.. terrible foundations for a relationship but I just love him so I guess I'm putting up with more than I should?
His parents go back in March.. but then once they are back we are back to square 1 I guess?

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/02/2020 18:16

To him your relationship is “not worth the hassle” of being honest with his parents.

Why have you put up with such shitty treatment?

Hope he has never met your DC: he doesn’t deserve to, ever.

MrsTWH · 14/02/2020 18:16

A 30 year old man living at home with his parents, who is too scared to tell them you’re his girlfriend?? You haven’t been together long at all, I would walk away OP. Why let him treat you like this? You’re worth so much more. There will be a lovely man out there proud to be your partner.

Dozer · 14/02/2020 18:17

Loving someone isn’t a good reason to date someone who doesn’t treat you well.

Seriously, don’t date for a good while: sort out your self esteem/expectations of men first!

Barbararara · 14/02/2020 18:18

You can’t build a relationship on this basis.

Soconfusedandlost · 14/02/2020 18:18

So you've never met his parents?

So my parents don't approve of you, I live with them and no evening/weekend calls or unscheduled messaging? Anyone else thinking he met someone else and took2weeks to work out a way to keep you hanging on while he has moved someone into his house and is having a separate relationship

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:22

No. I've never met his parents. Been to their house whilst they were away (france) to see him and have heard them on the phone to him but never actually met them.

OP posts:
Floribundance · 14/02/2020 18:22

’My self esteem is so low.’

It is if you’re still involved with an adult male who dumped you on his parents’ say so and is now hiding that he’s involved with you.

Have some self respect. You deserve better.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:23

Heard his mum say "you better not be with that girl" over the phone.. whilst I was sat right next to him so I dont think it's another relationship.. I think his parents genuinely dont think I'm good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:26

Your completely right. I do need some self respect in this situation, I just dont know how to give him the ultimatum.
I wouldnt mind I'm not the worst catch, I work hard, I am a great parent, I am financially secure and I might not come from the best family but I have done ok. His family are very 'posh' very 'well off' and I think that's where the dislike stems from

OP posts:
BIWI · 14/02/2020 18:26

This will never improve - he's already giving in to his parents' wishes and not defending his right to have a relationship with you, nor is he defending you. If there was any chance of him marrying you it would only make his parents ramp things up!

Sorry but I think you should dump him. (Although that might make him face up to things and do something about it, but I doubt it)

chipsandpeas · 14/02/2020 18:27

and you want to stay in this relationship??? why, he will never break away from his parents

dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2020 18:28

You know what you have to do. Dump him.

You don't want to do it, but deep down you must know that this is all so wrong and you deserve better.

MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2020 18:29

Move on. It will never make you happy.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:29

I literally dont know right now why I want to.
I've never felt about anybody the way I do about him, for a while I convinced myself it was ok because they go back abroad after 6 months.. but I just dont know anymore. It will never change. He will always choose them and nothing I do/say will change that.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 14/02/2020 18:32

X post

Don't give him an ultimatum, what's the point? He's already chosen them over you, every day.

Just say: This isn't working for me anymore, I deserve more than this. I don't want to see you again.

Then block.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:33

Sounds petty I guess but I just dont understand why this instantly disapprove/dislike me and why he allows them to.
I'm not the worst choice in the world.. I care, I have a good heart and I am a decent person.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2020 18:35

Why would you even bother with a ridiculous ultimatum? You actually want to be with a 30 year old man who is so pathetic he can't stand up to mummy and daddy? Do you really not understand how horrible your future will be if you stay with him? You will always come in last. Don't be daft and dump him. He is totally unworthy.

OhLook · 14/02/2020 18:36

Is this a culture thing?

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:38

You're completely right. The worst think is my head knows you are.
I always fall for the wrong people..

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/02/2020 18:39

It doesn’t matter what they think of you. HE has chosen to treat you like shit. YOU have chosen to put up with it because of your feelings for him and hope that things will change. Your feelings aren’t good reason to put up with the shit, and the hope is unfounded. Do yourself (and your DC, since this relationship is sapping your energy and emotions) a favour and end all contact with him.