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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
momtoboys · 14/02/2020 20:58

You get that he is probably married or involved with someone else and the parents thing is just a ruse, right? You deserve better.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 20:59

I know why I put up with it. I remember the first 4/5 months. Before his parents came home, before everything changed and how special they were.
Everything has changed now and I need to see that.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:00

Oh and he's not going to stand up to them - partly because that's their dynamic but also because of money. He lives in their house, they're wealthy, if they're unpleasant enough (and it sounds like they are) they'll use money & privileges (taking it away) to control him, and a lot of people will choose the money. He sounds like one of those people. He's probably going to dump you and slink off when the honeymoon period is over anyway. Because he cant stand up to them and doesn't want cut off.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:01

I know he isnt. Well I know he wasnt. We worked together for a long time before we embarked on this relationship. For the first 4/5 months we spent every available moment together (when I wasnt parenting) frequently staying at each others houses (ie. His parents house) I know its then not another women

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:01

You get that he is probably married or involved with someone else and the parents thing is just a ruse, right?

This is also not impossible.

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:02

Sorry, cross posted.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:02

It's not impossible but I dont think its the reason x

OP posts:
honesttogod · 14/02/2020 21:02

Text him now and say it's over.

MaverlousMo · 14/02/2020 21:03

OP you deserve better than this, do yourself a favour and finish it. I doubt he'll ever cut the apron strings.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:05

I messaged him about an hour ago saying we needed to talk.. he hasnt replied or even read it as of yet xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:10

I made a joke about being a secret the other day..
I said what are we going to do in a few years, run off to Vegas and elope (just a little joke) and he said 'my mum would disown me'
I said I'm not that bad am I?
And he said 'she just has been strong opinions'

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 14/02/2020 21:11

If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me

Well, that tells you everything you need to know, doesn't it?

He's shown you who he is, OP - he's not going to magically change into someone who values you more. Why would you settle for that?

It's hard dating as a single parent and I think women often put up with being treated like crap by men for far too long because they don't think they can do (or deserve) any better. But you can do better than some guy who's creeping around in an effort to shag you when it suits him and gaslighting you into thinking you're the one with the problem.

You should check out the Aidy Bryant show Shrill on iplayer - she settles for all sorts of crappy behaviour from a bloke (who makes her sneak out the back door after she's summoned to his for sex) and keeps accepting being treated badly because she feels she can't do any better than him.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:11

Very**

OP posts:
Lucked · 14/02/2020 21:15

I would use the radio silence to your advantage as there is no point talking to him. Break up and block him.

SalmonOfKnowledge · 14/02/2020 21:15

If you want him to value you, do not continue to accept this.
Tell him "being a secret is not right for me,"

It will make you more valuable innhis eyes. Whether or not he is brave enough to communicate your value to his parents or not is another thing. If he is not brave enough i suggest implying that his lack of bravery to stand proudly behind his own choice is a bit of a turn off.... bit embarrassing....

Step away. No contact. See what happens.... maybe he is not good enough for you.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 21:16

There have been many more moments that have entirely hurt me but I've just dealt with them and I shouldnt have. I know I shouldnt have, but I did.
My contraception failed a few months ago and i found out i was pregnant. It wasnt something i wanted to progress with, nor him and we spoke about it and I had an abortion.. which I attended on my own, with no support because he couldnt/wouldnt take the day off work/tell his parents he was with me/tell them he was doing anything. I was very early on, and I just got on with it.. I wasnt even mad at him for not being there.. I just tried to understand

OP posts:
willloman · 14/02/2020 21:16

Get some trainers and run to a better future.
He's 30. He's not going to change.
What are you waiting for? His parents to shuffle off this mortal coil?
Go and don't look back!

SalmonOfKnowledge · 14/02/2020 21:17

Omg what a turn off.
Get turned off.
He is not a strong as you are.

You dont need to agonise over arseholes crappy behavior if you get turned off.

rvby · 14/02/2020 21:19

I dont understand why you want to have a conversation with him about this... it's not a discussion, hes already told you the terms of the relationship, and you dont accept them.

Theres no discussion. You just text him that you're done, wish him well, block him and move on.

Entertaining a discussion is simply you giving him a chance to talk you round...

Saranvenya · 14/02/2020 21:25

OP what future would you have?
TBH I realy don't think he see's this as long term as he isn't worried or bothered about setting his parents right, sorry if he really did love you then he would show it.
Don't ever settle with being an option!

Peignoir · 14/02/2020 21:28

You'll never be good enough for him in his eyes and the parents. Ditch it. He's no good.

SlippersAndThePaper · 14/02/2020 21:38

There is no future with this man. You are being taken for a mug.

Lucked · 14/02/2020 21:55

The thing is you keep racking your brain as to why he doesn’t stand up for you whilst at the same time being complicit in the whole situation by also consenting to this arrangement. He won’t stand up to them and you won’t stand up to him.

Stop analysing him and take charge of what you can control. He is not the man you think he is.

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:55

Do you know what, I was thinking "what would happen if this lady fell.pregnant, I bet he's be a coward about that too and push her to abort" ... And you've posted that scenario.

I wonder if you'd even have considered continuing the pregnancy if you weren't so in thrall to him and his wishes and situation. You couldn't even have a balanced neutral discussion about it be sued you knew instantly that if he won't even acknowledge he's seeing you to.hid family, there was no way in hell he'd consider having a child with you. And he left you to.hk through it alone too.

I don't fkg like this guy op - he's a coward, he's selfish, he's treating you poorly .... You sound under his thumb (or is that shoe).

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:56

*go through it alone