Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

[Confus3d]

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

Are you sure it's parents and not a wife?

No. It's a rich parent thing. Not culture.
His parents are very well off. I'm not, although we have more than enough, a nice house/car and a comfortable life so I class me and my daughter as lucky. But his parents are well off. So simply because they are well off.. that's all I can put it down to.

Please finish with him. Apart from anything else, at some point your child will work out that your partner keeps you a secret and is ashamed of you. This is a terrible thing for a girl to think is normal.

I think that you need to change your mindset before dating anyone else. I've read relatively little about you and what you want - it's all about him. In your position, I would want a boyfriend who I could sensibly introduce to people (including my child, after six months or so as "Mummy's friend"). Bridget Jones's Diary was a while ago (and wasn't great literature) but there's a brilliant bit where she says to some dude "Either go out with me properly and treat me nicely or leave me alone".

From what you've said, lots of men would be pleased to go out with you. You work hard, have enough money to live on, do a good job of looking after your daughter and other responsibilities.

Pretty sure it's his parents. I've heard his mum on the phone say 'you better not be with that girl' whilst I was sat right next to him.. and we spent the first 4/5 months together quite regularly.. until they came home

They've judged you on ten basis that you are a single parent. Cretins.
He's over dependent and they sound domineering.

It may be that he can work through this and recognise he needs to stand up for his own needs. If he were on MN I'd be advising him to go on the Stately Homes threads to get advice and support. Lots of adult children are trapped trying to comply parental/family demands (see pretty much any Christmas thread) so I'm not damning him out of hand.

But you must know that you and your child are worth so much more than this. It must be sapping your self confidence and that's be we a good relationship. Time for you to have a good think about what will make you happy.

Well they sound vile and he sounds spineless. I can't think you'd even find someone that was so tied to his parents apron strings to that extent attractive long term.

Cut it off OP...and you do the cutting-don't wait for him. It will be miserable
For a while but it will feel bette that you made the choice not him...and after a few weeks you will start to feel better, I promise.
You must go no contact though-it's the only way in things like this.

His parents are going to get a shock then. The sort of woman that they think he should go out with (presumably someone who has wealthy parents and doesn't have children / a significant ex partner) won't want to go out with him. They'll find it weird that he still lives with his parents and is so dependent on their approval.

He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents

Then there is no future in your relationship! It can never amount to more than furtive sporadic meet ups. Fine if you are happy with this never being a committed long term thing and just want a booty call. But NOT fine if you love someone.

HE had essentially finished it by saying he will never make you part of his life.

Really sorry OP, it must be very painful, and he has been quite dishonest really. Is it his inheritance he is putting first or is he just a pathetic wimp? Are there cultural factors?

Anyway, under these conditions your relationship has met a dead end.

Sorry x post. So it's a money thing not a single parent thing. Still cretins.

It doesn’t really matter if they think you’re the wrong class, the wrong religion or the wrong star sign. It only matters that you’re with a man who doesn’t think that being with you openly is worth an argument with his parents.

It gets thrown around a lot on here but you need to look at your boundaries - your expectations of how you should be treated by a partner.

Is he in a family business??

There's no future in this relationship, it's him/them and not you. I know you like him but please give serious consideration to ending this degrading situation.

Don't put up with this. Awful. End it. It'll sting for a while but if he won't grow a spine you deserve so much better. You're not a dirty secret!!

It may be that he can work through this and recognise he needs to stand up for his own needs. If he were on MN I'd be advising him to go on the Stately Homes threads to get advice and support. Lots of adult children are trapped trying to comply parental/family demands (see pretty much any Christmas thread) so I'm not damning him out of hand

OK, if this is the case I withdraw my ‘pathetic wimp’ comment. And you know him better than us and what might be behind all this.

But it still doesn’t help you unless he takes a clear decision to fight his demons. Don’t sacrifice yourself trying to save him, because unless he saves himself it won’t work. (Bitter experience)

My youngest went to uni. in September. We know now that he will run his life as he sees fit. We are there as a safety net if he needs us. His older DSs worked all over the world after graduating so home with us remained their base until they decided to buy their own places.

I think this relationship no matter how lovely he is will go nowhere unless he moves out. It really is none of their business who he sees.

Well, he is "under his parents thumb", even at the age of 30.

Why the fuck would you be with a man like that?

Even if he is willing to do his "inner work" (I doubt it, mum and dad are convenient to his life style), do you really see yourself taking over their role?

Many more mature people in the world.

Ask yourself why you put up with this poor specimen of manhood...

If you are hurting now, it's only going to get worse. His parents are making him chose them over you without even meeting you and he is letting them. There is no good end game here until he learns to stand up to them but they will blame you if he does.

Walk away. Tell him why. I feel sorry for him too but mainly I feel sorry for you. I know it's not easy though when you are there rather than on the end of a computer with a very small snapshot of the relationship.

If he’s in his late parents and hiding you from his parents then it’s not worth your time. After 8 months together you should have an idea where the relationship is heading but this seems to be going nowhere. His parents sound awful.

Oh bollocks to that. Honestly OP. How can you even be attracted to this absolutely pathetic coward?

He's a 30 year adult man not a 13 year child boy.
His parents have absolutely no right to dictate who he can or can't have a relationship with.

They've never met you,they don't know you,their prejudiced against you because you're a single mum.It says everything when his mum referred to you as a "girl".Your a grown woman.

I wouldn't say he lives with his parents as such;their not there half the year.

Unless he's prepared to stand up to his parents and tell them they can't dictate to him who he sees then it's not worth carrying on as he's lacking a spine.

You also have to consider if you stay with him and things get serious and you end up having another child with and getting married etc do you want to be stuck with in laws like them?

Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..

my daughter (age 7)

That's a tacky way of showing your daughter what relationships are all about.

I had a friend like that, single mum having an affair. With a daughter.
She dumped me -- do shoot the messenger! = for mentioning it to a mutual friend who didn't know...

Nothing good comes out of an affair. Please be an honest mum to your daughter to teach her the right values!

Cos kids come before dicks!! lol

You can't give him an ultimatum you just need to dump him.
If he decides you're worth it he can use that as his ultimatum.

Is he an only child, or an only son?

I'll stick my neck out here and say what I think.
I think that his parents think that you are not good enough for their little prince because you have a child, so are not a virgin.
He is spineless, and probably a mummy's boy.

You deserve better than this. You and your child deserve better.
He will not make you happy. Not ever. Move on and show yourself the love and respect you deserve.

From my experience, how someone behaves around their parents shows what they are really like, and you haven't seen that and at this rate never will.

If you want a long-term relationship then he's obviously not the right guy for you. If he can't tell his parents that he's dating you, he can't tell them that you're engaged, marrying, having a child together... He's not that into you if at age 30 he can't stand up for what he believes in. You're not a dirty secret like a cheeseburger when you should be dieting. No wonder you feel depressed

I think that you should only stick with him if you want a 6month relationship starting the day that the parents depart and ending the day that they return (ie casual)

He sounds like a right twat OP and you deserve so much better. End things, he obviously not fully committed to the relationship and if his parents catch wind that you're back together then you know he'll just toss you aside once more to keep mummy happy. He's a loser!