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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
Carpathian2 · 15/02/2020 13:41

Sorry, pressed post too soon!

I was in a situation almost exactly like yours for quite a few years too long OP. I was a secret to everybody- family and friends - I just didn't exist in his world and it really hurt. I used to hang around for crumbs and I convinced myself that if I persevered he would come round. I had young 3 children at the time & he didn't want to be involved with them.

Then, one day after we'd met up for sex, something in me snapped. I told him that he made me feel like a peice of shit and I wasn't doing this anymore. His face was a picture!

I walked away and we never had contact again. He moved away and I moved on. To this day though, I'm embarrassed that I allowed myself to be treated like that.

At the end of the day, your relationship with yourself ( and your daughter) are the most important ones and shouldn't be compromised for a spineless prick like this. Get rid of him and leave a space for someone who appreciates and values you.

It seems hard at the moment but it will get better. Good luck Thanks

MashedSpud · 15/02/2020 13:41

I just can’t get my head around the texting thing.

Do they take his phone off him?
Is he able to text while on the loo/in the garden/in his bedroom/in another room?

I honestly see no point being with a man of 30 whose parents control his life. He’s obviously never going to stand up to them and most importantly they will never accept your child.

heyday · 15/02/2020 13:42

Just see less of him until the relationship dwindles away if you can't just break up with him. There is no way that this relationship will ever last. Even if he did stand up to his parents the guilt would soon get to him and they would poison his mind against you.

Mintjulia · 15/02/2020 13:46

Uhm, are you dating a man or a jelly fish? Tell him to grow a spine for goodness sake. Or dump him.

Sorry, but what a waste of space!

Dozer · 15/02/2020 13:46

OP is already a “booty call” in hotels etc. Nothing in continuing with the set up for her.

theoriginalmadambee · 15/02/2020 13:46

Look at it this way, if he was really, really into this relationship, he would take on the confrontation with his parents.

Right now you are just his entertainment when mummy isn't there for company.

Ronnie27 · 15/02/2020 13:48

Is this a cultural thing or is he 12? Why is he putting so much store in his parents’ opinions and not living for himself? You can’t hang around op, your self esteem will end up on the floor.

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 13:52

Update.
Again thank you all for your messages and advice. It does mean so much.
I finally spoke to him. After I rang his landline (I had the number from when his parents were away and I have never used it before)
His mum answered and I just said Hi, I'm xxxx i need to speak to xxxx please.
She got him, he said I'll ring you back and hung up.
10 minutes later he rang me on his mobile asking what was wrong so I said I cant do this any more, I refuse to be a secret and I refuse to be treated like I'm dirty or unworthy.
He listened, he didnt try to change my mind.
He said he keeps me a secret from his parents because of him, not me (I'm not sure what he meant by that)
He then said he had to go. I wished him good luck in the future we hung up.
He seemed completely unbothered by the whole situation which makes me see that it was the best choice.
Thanks again everybody x

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2020 13:54

he said "no it would mean another serious sit down talk where she will say "we told you to get rid" and I just sat there really shocked

I suspect that he fears not receiving his inheritance if he makes the "wrong" choice of wife in their eyes.

Carpathian2 · 15/02/2020 13:58

Well done OP!

Be prepared to feel like shit for a while, but it will get better.

theoriginalmadambee · 15/02/2020 13:58

I'm sorry OP, not much fight in him Sad. Even though it hurts, I hope you can see it is for the best 💐.

KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2020 14:00

Sorry OP Flowers

My last comment was a cross post.

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 14:03

I do see it was for the best and I'm going to busy myself with what is important and what matters.
I have a week off work ahead of me to spend with my beautiful daughter during the school holidays and we are going to have lots of fun and keep busy.
I never pretended to be the best choice in the world, but I know I'm not the worst choice.
I am a hard working, strong, independent mummy and I forgot that for a little while.
I have a good heart, good morals and even though that wasnt enough for his parents, I hope one day he realises he was loved and cared for and can see they ruined a chance of happiness for him and he allowed them to.
Me and my DD will be happy and was doing just fine before he came along anyway and I think my lucky stars that my DD was never introduced to him..
Wondering when its acceptable to have a glass of wine 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 14:04

Thank*

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 14:07

Sounds very petty but I'm glad I rang the house phone to speak to him... least his mum is now aware I'm still on the scene.. even though I'm not which will lead to an interesting conversation for him I'm sure

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/02/2020 14:13

Yeah, that was a good touch Grin

That’s good that you have time off with DD and that he never met her.

You were a GREAT choice for him: he is the one not good enough for YOU! No contact with him best now.

daisychain01 · 15/02/2020 14:15

Think to the future with a weak man, whose parents will emotionally blackmail him by threatening to cut him out of their will if he stays with you. If, as you've described, their estate amounts to a lot of money that he will stand to lose, imagine how you will feel when he decides the money is not worth risking. That's the stuff of nightmares, all the uncertainty.

He's already shown you who he is, weak and malleable, too spineless to tell his parents what his adult choice of relationship is.

theoriginalmadambee · 15/02/2020 14:18

I don't think you should be blaming yourself/your circumstances. They are either old fashioned or not very clever (snobbish). Either way you wouldn't want a partner, who will not stand up for you, let alone inlaws where nothing is good enough for their baby son.

Skip away, despite the heartache you and your dd are well rid Smile.

daisychain01 · 15/02/2020 14:21

They've probably had the conversation with him about their expectations for him "Son and Heir" etc, so the choice was already made.

You've had such a lucky escape. Move forward with your head held high that you didn't cow-tow to their whims and judgements, they never knew you so their prejudices were ignorant and unfounded. He may not ever have the emotional intelligence to know what he's missed, because he sounds so stunted by his family. At least you've been the autonomous adult and got your points across with dignity and strength.

Wishing you and your DD every happiness Flowers

SalmonOfKnowledge · 15/02/2020 14:24

You can definitely have a glass of wine. But go out and get crisps to go with it! Grin

Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/02/2020 14:28

Phew, thank fuck for that.
What a pathetic excuse for a man and what a horrid family.
His mummy didn't want any of their money going to non blood children ie your daughter.

Onwards and upwards op Wine

tara66 · 15/02/2020 14:33

Congratulations! Have a cake or three!

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 15:01

Wine is poured. Crisps are out and cake is in the over (courtesy of my DD) kitchen is also a tip but I know I've had a lucky escape. I stayed dignified and I know it's for the best.
My heart hurts now but its healed before.. it will do it again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 15:02

Oven*

OP posts:
Floribundance · 15/02/2020 15:52

Well done.

Set the bar higher the next time you meet someone. You shouldn’t have to be anyone’s guilty secret.