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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 07:54

Hi all
Sorry for the late reply. It's been a long week and I ended up falling asleep with my daughter.
For poster above, I assure you that it is entirely true unfortunately.
Thank you all for reading my post. I really do appreciate it.
I take all your advice on board xx

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/02/2020 08:16

I'm suprised that knowing his parents as he does, that he embarked on a relationship with you in the first place.

Knowing they wouldn't accept you and that he is unable to make his own decisions.

Him saying his mum would disown him is a very strong statement. They have placed conditional love in him...to the extent of disowning their only child if he doesn't comply.

Well that's sad for him, but you don't need to be a part of the charade. Your 28, still young and have a bright future.

You can't change how others think. Some people will always have a view on single mothers...that's their choice and you can't control it.

You need to value yourself and end this relationship, before your mental health becomes badly affected and begins to impact on your day to day life.

GilbertMarkham · 15/02/2020 08:42

You won't believe the next bit.. I only met her once. Within seconds of meeting me she got out a camera and videoed me! Honestly! It was in the old days - so she used one of those little camcorder things. BF later said it was to show me to her cousin. We chatted politely but I was astonished she had done that.

Id probably have reacted the same due to shock and society conditioning us to be polite and unconfrontational but she really really should have been challenged .... Anyway, the other advantage to not ending up.with him is that yohlh really don't want to pass on that level of crazy to your kids.

GilbertMarkham · 15/02/2020 08:44

Op - a very unhealthy, creepy even, family dynamic that you don't want to be involved in.

But also he's a poorly adjusted coward who lacks integrity and is taking the piss - ax I said he wants the advantages of an intimate relationship with you, with none if the obligations of disadvantages.

And I think he's going to leg it sooner or later no matter what you do.

GilbertMarkham · 15/02/2020 08:46

*or disadvantages

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/02/2020 09:06

He must be sitting there waiting on his inheritance from his parents . He is a useless cunt. Get rid of him .

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 09:12

Thanks all. I appreciate all your advice xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 09:13

I dont have many friends and as an old child myself so I dont have siblings and I cant really explain the dynamics to my parents.

OP posts:
pemberleypearl · 15/02/2020 09:19

I was dating someone who lives with his parents (not a problem for me). I am also a single mum. His parents go abroad for a few months a year. He broke up with me when they came home. He didn't give that as the reason, but I can't help but suspect that was it. My advice - count your blessings and move on.

MashedSpud · 15/02/2020 09:25

Unless you’re dating Timothy Lumsden you do realise this sounds like a big lie right?

Even if his parents didn’t like you why would that stop him texting? Do they put his mobile phone in a safe with a bear trap in front of it?

Seems fishier than a Harry Ramsdens to me.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2020 09:26

Bloody hell op he's treating you like a bit on the side, an affair partner.

Is this what you want from your life? It is never going to change until he meets someone else and ends it.. You need to find the strength to end it now, don't wait about for him to do it.

tara66 · 15/02/2020 09:46

Don't forget - he is also lying to his parents as well.

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 11:16

@MashedSpud unfortunately its entirely true..

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 11:39

He doesn’t love you to behave in this way. What a wanker. Sneaking round like you’re having an affair is ridiculous. How can there be any future in this pseudo relationship?

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 11:48

@Cherrysoup - I agree with you. How can he love me if he wants to treat me as his dirty little secret?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 12:40

Update..
I didn't want to just message and block, I do love him and wanted to be able to explain to him my reasons for cutting him off.. ideally over the phone or if needs be via message when he is able to reply.
Last night he didnt reply till gone 10pm, when his parents had gone to bed. By which point I was asleep, I have messaged this morning but he replied that he is busy in the garage with his dad this morning and will try and ring me at lunch time.. I'll update if he does ring/reply. I've heard nothing yet x

OP posts:
Socalm · 15/02/2020 12:49

So weird. Most mothers of 30 year old still at home are trying to set them up with any passing woman, in my experience. Why would she even care when she hasn't even met you?

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 13:06

Apparently she said something along the lines off 'he is at the beginning of his career and deserves somebody he can start his own family with.. not one ready made'
I mentioned to him the other day as he said he feels pressured to go and visit them in France for 2 weeks in April (they go back in march) and I said maybe tell them we are doing something the second week (I knew he wouldnt, I know I'm a secret, I was just testing the waters) and he said "no it would mean another serious sit down talk where she will say "we told you to get rid" and I just sat there really shocked

OP posts:
momtoboys · 15/02/2020 13:15

Good luck. I know this must be so difficult.

Original poster
Confus3d · 15/02/2020 13:17

It really is @momtoboys because my head knows that this isnt right, or fair.. my heart loves him, my heart wants us and my heart seems to be willing to be hurt in order to keep him a little bit xx

OP posts:
Lucked · 15/02/2020 13:18

He so going to try to string you along until his parents leave again. Do not accept anything less than full transparency and a proper relationship!

Dozer · 15/02/2020 13:23

Just dump him already!

You keep saying you love him: that’s not good reason to continue to date him.

People (eg your parents) don’t need to understand his family dynamics. For whatever reasons he is treating you badly. That’s all anyone who cares about you will need to know to recommend LTB.

Would spend time reflecting on your decisions here. Why you’ve continued dating him after the first, second, fifth time he did things to hurt you.

Dozer · 15/02/2020 13:26

This is not a head/heart situation: you’ve made repeated self destructive choices with this relationship.

Even if he promised things would be different from now on, even if it was different, he would still have shown you no respect or love (the actions, not the words) in the first stages.

Carpathian2 · 15/02/2020 13:30

I've

TwoPointFourKidsAndADog · 15/02/2020 13:37

It sounds like he knows there is no future with you but probably genuinely likes you.
It's just some men can't cut the apron strings and his parents' opinion matters to him more than anything (or anyone) else. Nothing and no-one can ever change that except for him, and many never do.

Even if he did, you'd be in a constant battle and overshadowed, undermined, by his parents and it's just not worth it.
I'm sorry because if it wasn't for this it sounds like it would be a nice relationship for you. But he won't choose you over his Mum and that's that. You deserve more than that - your daughter deserves more than that too. Can you imagine how this would be for her to grow up with?