Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
momtoboys · 15/02/2020 16:18

You are fabulous! So happy you were able to be calm and dignified (not sure I could have been so strong). There is someone wonderful out there for you. 💚

Twillow · 15/02/2020 21:03

Well done. Dignity, courage and self-respect. Wine

WhenPushComesToShove · 15/02/2020 21:15

So pleased to hear you have dumped this lily livered prat. Great news OP

mcmooberry · 15/02/2020 21:16

Well done and phew! One day you can be with someone whose family welcomes you and your DD in with open arms, that lot sounded dreadful!

MsPepperPotts · 15/02/2020 21:49

I am so glad you made that phone call @Confus3d ...you have saved yourself so much heartache and rejection

You deserve so much better than these horrible people in your life.
Him and his mother seem to think that people are commodities rather than human beings...they are both truly awful.
You have made the right decision even though it's really painful.
You are absolutely too good for him by far and put yourself and your emotional wellbeing first...always Flowers

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2020 23:58

Well done op. I’m glad you rang the house phone, was going to suggest you drop by if you hadn’t gotten on to him! You are worth so much more than him. You don’t see it now but you already know life can throw things at people - you want to be with someone who loves you, is proud of you and has a backbone to make a life together.

Double3xposure · 16/02/2020 00:11

Well done OP, you have done the right thing.

FYI, the way he behaved was not a “rich parent thing”. It was a manipulative, deceitful boyfriend and / or dysfunctional controlling family thing.

Most “rich” families use their money to help their children get a good education, good job and their own house long before 30.

The set up you have described isn’t remotely normal and you have dodged a bullet for sure.

Thickums · 16/02/2020 04:29

His name begin with S by any chance? If so, run!!

Lucietigger · 16/02/2020 08:20

Maybe it would feel easier to decide on this from another perspective.

What we have here is a.man who wanted to take it slow and not meet your daughter (very sensible and am sure you would have considered when it's appropriate to meet a BF even if he hadn't mentioned it!). Now add on his parent's influence who obviously don't see you as suitable GF material because you have a child.

So, if you continue a relationship with this man.... And he meets your daughter, and it actually results in cohabiting (he moves out of his parents place!).... How certain are you that your daughter will not consciously or unconsciously getting a message from his perspective that she is an 'obstacle/difficulty' in the relationship? Most likely his parents would have had a melt down and prob go low/no contact if he stayed with you, would that issue/resentment maybe continue in the home and become something your daughter picks up? I.e. that's it's 'her fault' your bf's family don't talk to him.

It's very easy for children to pick up mixed/not entirely accurate messages and internalise them. Even if your self esteem is low (that needs to change, but that's prob for a whole other thread), think about how appropriate continuing this relationship, with all its underlying issues, is for your daughter.

Captainmarvel0160 · 16/02/2020 09:38

I say this to you for you own mental health, walk away. The tool in question is just using excuse upon excuse. You are not an excuse and deserve to be treated far better than he is doing so. There is a man out there who will respect you for who you are.

Theraincloud8 · 16/02/2020 09:42

Of all the fish in the sea, you could this one. Toss him back in and go fishing again

Theraincloud8 · 16/02/2020 09:42

Caught

Original poster
Confus3d · 16/02/2020 18:44

Hi all.
I wanted to give you an update. I'm doing ok, unsurprisingly, I havent heard from him today. I'm not surprised through.
Thanks again for all your help xx

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 16/02/2020 19:10

Well done OP. You'll hurt for a while but you've done the best thing. You and your DD deserve to be the centre of someone's world, not something to be hidden.

Go you!! I'm cheering you on Smile

restingbitchface30 · 16/02/2020 19:39

You’re awesome! And you definitely did the right thing! Onwards and upwards for you and your daughter 😃

SW16 · 16/02/2020 22:34

Good work OP.

Look after yourself.

FloresTorres · 16/02/2020 22:50
Flowers Well done, be proud of yourself.
KatherineJaneway · 17/02/2020 05:53

Well done OP Flowers Hurts but was the right thing to do.

Weepingwillows12 · 17/02/2020 12:39

Well done. I am glad you remembered you are better than this. Hopefully it will give him something to think on too and maybe he will start to put in place healthy boundaries with his parents.

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/02/2020 13:56

It is so sad, because if he had a spine he could stand up for you, tell them firmly you are coming for Sunday lunch and persist until they get to know you.

People's fears tend to die down once they get to know the real person.

But sadly he is too scared of them.

Original poster
Confus3d · 17/02/2020 22:04

He is very scared of them. He refuses to upset them and places there needs above anybody elses, including his own.
For example, he works so hard all week, only to work doubly as hard restoring the house at weekend. He is exhausted but wont say no.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 17/02/2020 22:22

How can you respect a man who doesn’t lovee & respect you enough to stick up for you?
I think you sound as if you suffer from low self esteem, a man can’t make you complete
Only you can do that
I think you would benefit from counselling or talking to someone about why you place so little value on yourself
It sounds as if you don’t want to be alone and accept being treated badly as a way to avoid it

Original poster
Confus3d · 18/02/2020 17:05

I think you are 100% right. I have always suffered with low self esteem and low opinion of myself. I have no idea why.. I just always have

OP posts:
dramalessllama · 18/02/2020 17:09

I hope that with the way you have handled things, this will raise your self esteem! You did brilliantly!!!!!

Double3xposure · 18/02/2020 18:35

He is very scared of them. He refuses to upset them and places there needs above anybody elses, including his own
For example, he works so hard all week, only to work doubly as hard restoring the house at weekend. He is exhausted but wont say no

He’s not scared of them. Unless they have him under lock and key and are heavily armed. He can walk away and do what he wants any time.

It’s a free country.

He doesn’t have significant physical or learning difficulties, does he ? They are not his carers.

What you mean, I think, is that he’s willing to live like this in order to get something from them that he wants, like a job, their money or their approval. He’s scared of not getting what he wants.. He’s not scared of them.

He CHOOSES to live like this.