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Original poster

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
Twillow · 14/02/2020 19:17

Please don't do this any more. No wonder you feel so low. He's no man.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/02/2020 19:21

This is not a rich parents thing, or a you being a single parent thing. This is an extremely dysfunctional enmeshed (fucked up) family thing. He's 30 - you will not be the first women they have decided isn't good enough for him (for a wide ranging illogical set of reasons). This will NOT be the first relationship that has been destroyed by his family dynamics. If he's not prepared to step outside their control now, he never will be - it's the honeymoon period ffs. He's lying to them and you and himself (pretending to be an adult amd free to be in a relationship) because he is not a fully formed independent adult- for whatever dysfunctional reason. He's in too deep to help himself and you can't 'save' him because he doesn't realise he needs saving. They are stuck at him being a child - and he sees this as normal and acceptable. It says a lot that he started this relationship while they were away and didn't warn you what they were like. He's a teenager fake rebelling by having a relationship with you, but not prepared to actually grow up by not hiding you and standing up for himself. (Bet his mum buys his underwear still). If he didn't tell them to fuck off the first time they called you 'that girl', he never will.

You are worth so much more than being a secret mistress to his primary relationship with his parents.

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 19:29

So you don’t see him on weekends because he is not allowed to go out with you for six months?

TenShortStories · 14/02/2020 19:32

Don't make the mistake of thinking they don't like you and in turn let that knock your self esteem - remember they don't know you. They haven't even met you. The concept of 'you' if just an amorphous single mother gold-digger to them (which is horribly judgemental of them but I'm just pointing out it has nothing to do with who you are so please don't take it personally).

Don't bother with an ultimatum (who wants someone who only treats them well when backed into a corner). Explain why the situation isn't for you and walk away with your head held high. Having good standards in relationships of all kinds, not just romantic ones, is an amazing legacy to pass on to your daughter.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 19:53

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate them all.
He is an only child. Commenter above is correct about that.
I am apparently his first relationship which has lasted more than 6 months. He has never introduced anybody to his parents.
I do feel down and depressed and it is sapping energy.
He isnt in the family business, we used to work for the same company before we embarked on this relationship..
Tonight 'valentines day' my parents offered to look after my daughter over night so I can see him (I've told them about my relationship.. he just doesnt want to meet them) I asked him and he couldnt.. he is having tea with his parents/watching tv before bed..

My daughter deserves a better example.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 14/02/2020 19:57

Good luck Confus3d. I think you will make a good decision to put your family's long term happiness first. You will meet somebody lovely who will want to shout it from the rooftops.

SunshineAvenue · 14/02/2020 19:58

Amen to your last sentence. You deserve better treatment too.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean the relationship is healthy.

He is not the man for you.

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 19:59

Thank you.
You're right. My daughter always comes first and always will.
Tonight we had a take away, watched a film and are now snuggling in bed ❤

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2020 20:00

Your life would be a complete misery with this useless, spineless man child. Get rid.

jelly79 · 14/02/2020 20:05

The fact he won't meet your parents or daughter suggest that he doesn't want this to have a future. You sound like a lovely mum, you deserve better x

EllenRipley · 14/02/2020 20:07

His parents are dictating who he has a relationship with - and he dumped you because he actually listens to them?? Is he 14? Or a royal prince?? Jesus christ, you deserve better than that. It's the kind of character flaw and general weak, immature twattery that will emerge in other aspects of your relationship, OP. I couldn't respect someone who'd so easily treated me like that. Time to remove the blinkers and show him he can't treat you, or any woman, like that.

SW16 · 14/02/2020 20:13

Tonight 'valentines day' my parents offered to look after my daughter over night so I can see him (I've told them about my relationship.. he just doesnt want to meet them) I asked him and he couldnt.. he is having tea with his parents/watching tv before bed

So your parents offered to support you for a night out with a man they have never met, and he turns you down because his parents have decided you are not good enough.

Sad and humiliating.

And honestly, what IS going on with him that he doesn’t prioritise the first Valentines night? Can’t even tell his toxic patents that he is out late clubbing with mates???

Something very not right.

tara66 · 14/02/2020 20:15

Why not breeze over to his parent's house and say ''Hi guys - here I am - your son's ''girl friend/ partner/ future wife'' - whatever you fancy! Have a chat - ask them what their problem is and anything else that comes to mind. (Perhaps son is afraid of being cut out of their Will?) If it does not go well - at least you let them know you're not ''that girl'' - Speak up for yourself. If you break up - I think you'll feel better for having talked to his parents - let them see how prejudiced they are. Good luck whatever you do!

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 20:23

I think one of the things that is bothering me the most is he seems to be ok with this set-up. Like I'm the one who's in the wrong for feeling low, hurt, embarrassed, like I'm not good enough and like he is ashamed of me.. when I really am doing the very best I can to be a good person.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 14/02/2020 20:27

Come on, you ARE worth more than this

TreatMyself · 14/02/2020 20:30

Why is he ok with the set up? Doesn’t he want to see you?

SW16 · 14/02/2020 20:31

I think one of the things that is bothering me the most is he seems to be ok with this set-up

Well quite!

Who the hell does he think he is that he can totally change the basis of the relationship because his parents came home and expect you to be so grateful for his company that you will pretend you don’t exist?

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 20:35

He says he wants to see me TreatMyself, tells me he misses me and loves me. But seems ok with us having stolen moments together and the rest being a secret.
Like somebody mentioned above. This is our honeymoon period. I shouldnt be a secret.. I would be proud to introduce him to everybody I knew..

OP posts:
BlueJava · 14/02/2020 20:40

I'm sorry OP, that's really horrible for you. Of course you shouldn't be a secret. It's bonkers he won't stand up to his parents about you. I have to say that if you stay with him you're going to have a helluva time, and what about having children/living together - how can he keep you secret then. So does that mean you are a stop gap, until he find's someone that meets with their approval?

I don't think it'll do your mental health and self esteem any good to stick around. I think you have to dump and move on. I'm sorry!

Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 20:42

For example.. we had our valentines night last night I guess.
2.5 hours at a hotel before we left in separate cars, to separate houses, to lead separate lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confus3d · 14/02/2020 20:43

I think your right. My self esteem and mental health is at an all time low at the moment, I just feel so unworthy and not good enough x

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 20:52

His parents are judgemental, unpleasant and domineering, he's immature and a coward. He hasn't had a lasting relationship and he's 30; I wonder why.

Still lives at home at 30 hmm.

Noone decent makes their romantic partner a secret ... Noone.

Sorry to be quite foul mouthed but stop letting someone who keeps you a secret and denies your relationship put his dick inside you.

This is not you; it's him and it's them.

ChristmasFluff · 14/02/2020 20:54

OP, your worth does not depend on the validation of someone who hasn't even got their own place. Who is happy to have their parents dictating their life.

You may love him, but you need to love yourself more. That is where self-worth and self-esteem lies. Show yourself how much you love you by clearly seeing that he is not good enough for you.

If you were interviewing for a boyfriend, would you choose the one who lived with his parents and never introduced his girlfriends to them because it was too much hassle? No, you wouldn't (and if you would, you really need to raise that bar). So why accept it now?

This is who he is. If he isn't prioritising you now, he never will. Remember, this is when he is showing you his 'best self' - the honeymoon period of the relationship. It will never be more romantic than this.

Time to prioritise yourself. No ultimatums, just a dumping, because this relationship isn't working for you any more.

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 20:55

You've not agreed to be his fwb, you're not an escort he's paying; you're supposedly his romantic partner/his girlfriend - that comes with obligations and responsibilities. To acknowledge you, to treat you decently etc. He wants the advantages/benefits of being with you without any of those obligations.

No, no, no. Stop letting him take the piss out of you - it doesn't matter if it's on.puroise or not.

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 20:56

*on purpose

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