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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship being kept a secret.. my self esteem is so low.

209 replies

Confus3d · 14/02/2020 18:07

Hi all.
Back story first!
I'm hoping you can help me.. I met my partner (age 30) in june 2019 and we seemed to have a wonderful relationship, he didnt want to rush into things and meet my daughter (age 7) I got that and for 4/5 months after everything was lovely. We saw each other frequently & spent as much time together as possible.
At the end of October his parents came home (they spend 6 months of the year living in france) and things changed.
His parents (who have never met me/spoken to me) decided they didn't like me and i wasnt good enough for their son and told him to break it off (apparently, having a child, makes me not good enough) he did break it off but we seen to gravitate towards each other, and 2 weeks later we were back together.
Since then our relationship has been a secret, he 'works late' to see me, secret trips to hotels after work for the odd hour..
He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents?
I just dont know what to do. I love him but I hate being a secret, I hate that he pretends I dont exist when he is at home (still lives with parents) no phone calls at weekends, sneaky night time messages and then meeting on his terms after work.
He says he loves me but my self esteem has never been lower. I feel low, not good enough and lonely.. today is valentines day and I cant even ring him as he wouldnt answer as he is at home.
I'm a 28yo female, mum of 1, professional women.
What do I do? How do I speak to him about this? Has anybody experienced this before? If I push him he will always chose to keep them happy over me.. but equally, is it fair to live like this? Surely after being together for 8 months (bar 2 weeks) we shouldn't have this problem??

Please help as I am so so so so so confused and low right now!!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:59

Have you spoken to your family and friends about all this - what do they think?

I know what if think.if someone was behaving this way to my sister; I'd be hard pushed not to slap him repeatedly around the head.

Shame on him acting this way toward any woman, let alone a single mum trying to do her best with her 7 yr old daughter.

GilbertMarkham · 14/02/2020 21:59

*what I'd think

Harakeke · 14/02/2020 22:06

How can you be attracted to a 30yo man who is so scared of his mummy’s opinion he can’t even date who he wants? Fuck that!! Find an independent adult, like you. They might be posh and well off but you sound way more together than he is.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 22:38

He will always choose them and nothing I do/say will change that

Well done, OP; realising this is the first step towards the change you know you've got to make

The fact he's never had a lasting relationship - and introduced none of them to his DPs - makes me wonder if this is to do with the money he worries about losing if he "upsets" them, but anyway he's absolutely no use to you now

Grab your freedom with both hands and go find the sort of man you deserve Flowers

PuppyL0ve683 · 14/02/2020 22:51

He loves his parents more than you !

Nobody will ever be good enough for their son

You deserve better

You have no future together

HavenDilemma · 14/02/2020 23:59

Wrote a letter to his mum, telling her you're madly in love, you're going to be together (& have been for a long while now) and will continue to be - with it without her blessing!

Then dump him.

Wet lettuce. Or as my Mum would say "He's like a fart in a trance"

HavenDilemma · 14/02/2020 23:59

*Write

Astella22 · 15/02/2020 00:05

Well he sounds like a right peach

Nothing as unattractive as a grown man hanging out of his mother’s apron strings. She doesn’t even know u and has decided to dislike u. You’re well shot. Don’t waste anymore of u time.

Looking back on previous relationships I’ve had - a clear sign it was over was me trying to get back to a stage when everything was great. Thinking if I could just....’insert random insecure here’ Free yourself from this and u will have the space to find someone who isn’t happy to keep you as a shameful little secret. Someone who cat wait to introduce u to everyone he knows cos in your significant others eyes you should be amazing.

I’d be tempted to call over knock on the door when u know his parents are in a dump him...loudly!

Bluerussian · 15/02/2020 00:07

I think your boyfriend is making excuses in order to maintain things as they are. He loves you in his way but more as a 'friend with benefits' than anything involving commitment.

You have to work out what you want from this relationship. Were you hoping to live together? You're not going to achieve that.

At the moment he is having his cake and eating it and you are unhappy, you are not on the same page.

Time to call it a day. I know it's hard but it really will pass.
Next time don't be so quick to get involved. Flowers

CatAndHisKit · 15/02/2020 00:08

Sounds like they support him financially, and he doesn't want to upset his lifestyle - not the case of mummy's boy or whatever!

Did you ask him how is he planning to go around that in future - and does HE see a future with you? you need to ask that. He might just be hugely materiallistic and not bothered about having an LTR with you - or, best case scenario, he is hoping they'll come around slowly.

Happygirl79 · 15/02/2020 00:33

So stay with him until one day his parents introduce him to a suitable woman
He will do their bidding
And you will be ceremonially dumped
Get real
He is a mummies boy and no good to you

managedmis · 15/02/2020 00:38

His mum would disown him? That's, what, a threat?

Confused

Wtaf

managedmis · 15/02/2020 00:39

For example.. we had our valentines night last night I guess.
2.5 hours at a hotel before we left in separate cars, to separate houses, to lead separate lives.

^

Do I need to point out the obvious?

Rejected101 · 15/02/2020 00:41

This isn’t a nice way for you to live op. You deserve better .

momtoboys · 15/02/2020 00:52

I'm beginning to think we are being wound up.

jarjarjam · 15/02/2020 01:03

There is no dilemma here. You send him a message saying you don’t want to meet up again. Block him. You feel like shit because 1) he’s treating you like shit 2) his parents are treating you like shit 3) he’s treating your parents like shit by not meeting them 4) you’re treating yourself like shit by continuing to put up with this. You’re first few posts made him sound like a disrespectful, cruel and weak man. The post about him not supporting you at the abortion appointment was really horrible. And now he’s downgraded you to 2 hours in a hotel. There is no reason to stay with him. As soon as you stop damaging yourself by engaging with this nonsense and no longer have the daily blasts of lack of regard and respect I bet you’ll feel much better. Honestly - not one reason to stick with this car crash. You are too too too awesome to put up with this x

Maduixa · 15/02/2020 01:44

He wont even discuss the idea of us not being a secret.. he says it's not worth the hassle from his parents? He says YOU are not worth the hassle from his parents (sorry to be harsh).

The problem with this situation (well, one of them) is, there's no way out. It's not like he's waiting until he turns 18 and can move out, or 'til he finishes uni and can make his own money. He's waiting 'til they go back to France, sure - but then in another six months, they're back and you're in the same situation. They're never going to warm to you or change their minds because he won't give you a chance to meet them. He's afraid of being "disowned". That will never change. What is he waiting for? For them to die of natural causes in a few decades? For him to win the lottery so it doesn't matter if he's disinherited? No, he's waiting to meet a woman they'll approve of.

He does not take the relationship seriously, or at least not seriously enough. That has nothing to do with you. He's not ready for a relationship.

I just dont know how to give him the ultimatum. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just tell him it's over, and stick to it.

katy1213 · 15/02/2020 01:52

He's 30 and he lives with his parents. He's not good enough for you!

Shoveoff · 15/02/2020 02:06

Bleurgh!!! That’s given me the sex-ick and I’ve never even met him!

Bin him this minute. What an overgrown man-child, with a hideously enmeshed marriage to his own mother!

MsPepperPotts · 15/02/2020 02:41

He's never had a relationship last longer than 6months?...now you know why.
He probably enjoys this set up in a twisted sort of way...Mummy tells him on the phone that 'you better not be with that girl' and you sit there having to listen to this sort of shit from these posh prats...no wonder you feel so low and your self esteem is at rock bottom.
You need to get angry and see how badly you are being treated here by the posh prat.
If you do not end this relationship you will suffer a lot of their abuse and when she finds out you're still in the picture he will dump you anyway because it;s all about his inheritance and he will not be giving that up for anyone.

MsPepperPotts · 15/02/2020 02:48

Oh and he has already told you that it's not worth the hassle from his parents...this means that YOU are not worth the hassle....can you understand how someone who invested so much time and effort into loving is telling you...you are not worth it.
You have already given him and ultimatum and he ended it.
He's awful and you need to get shut.

MsDogLady · 15/02/2020 03:30

I agree with @Thingsdogetbetter.

He is enmeshed in a toxic codependent relationship with his mother. She doesn’t view him as a separate individual....and neither does he. His identity is validated by her approval. His emotional growth was stunted a long time ago and he will never change.

Empower yourself by walking away from this degradation. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy if your daughter is ever devalued like this?

RantyAnty · 15/02/2020 04:18

This lout has really done a number on your self esteem.
The truth is you are far too good for him, not the other way around. You are strong and independent and have your adult life on track.

Look at him for who he truly is. He's a weak excuse of a man. He's not capable of leading or standing up to his mother. Put the limerance feelings aside and look at him objectively. That should give you the permanent ick towards him as there's nothing that makes a woman's legs slam shut is the thought of being with a weak cowardly man who'd never stand up for her, lead, and protect her. Ick!

He's reduced seeing you to random shags and that suits him just fine. You may love him but his actions towards you are not loving at all.

Short message telling him it's not working and delete and block. Thank your lucky stars it's only been months and not years with this sniveling weak mummy's boy.

leopardandspots · 15/02/2020 05:49

Hopefully my experience will help you find some inner self esteem. You are more of a catch than subservient man child.

So...almost the exact same thing happened to me. Years ago -before my current DH.

I was a (very happy) single parent of one preschool age DC. Some really good friends of mine, hospital doctors, set me up with a colleague - an anaesthetist. He was single, he'd not really dated anyone, was an only child. I initially liked him, tall, fit, intelligent - very interesting profession.

From the outset he said his Mum didn't approve of the fact I was a single parent. She was prejudiced against me because of it. I formed the impression she read the Daily Mail and was a bit small minded generally.

You won't believe the next bit.. I only met her once. Within seconds of meeting me she got out a camera and videoed me! Honestly! It was in the old days - so she used one of those little camcorder things. BF later said it was to show me to her cousin. We chatted politely but I was astonished she had done that. The only impression I had of her was that she wore clothes that were too matching if you know what I mean. Like dear old M&S matching trousers, top and cardi.

I thought it was immensely embarrassing and rude of her to film me.

Shortly after that on another weekend I'd booked childcare so BF and I could have a weekend day out together. He turned up and just dumped me out of the blue.It was on his mother's advice and was because... I was a single parent.

To be honest in terms of poshness, I felt that I had the edge over the mother! I would never video some-one like that. Certainly not some one I'd just met. Very rude! I'd also travelled quite a bit previously & had a city job back in those days. I can't remember what the mother had done but I'd be surprised if it was very much.

Her disapproval of unmarried mothers was just rather narrow/ small minded. If she was as posh as she thought she was she would have had a more expansive world view (and not go around videoing people).

The BF eventually found and married a child free nurse at the hospital and I then met DH.

The purpose of that story is you can do better than some adult still in their mother's pockets. She isn't as posh as you think with her small minded views. Who wants a prospective step Grandmother who is that controlling.

[Flippant suggestion- Why not really shock her. Ask her for coffee. Just find the most kinky femme fatale outfit you can. Some thigh boots, a teeny mini skirt, loads of make up etc etc ]

KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2020 07:41

I asked him and he couldnt.. he is having tea with his parents/watching tv before bed..

Well that tells you all you need to know doesn't it. His primary relationship is with his mother.

How would you feel if this was happening to your daughter?