Embarrassed by FWB

[DancingWithAStranger]

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time .

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no .

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity .

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

It's a tricky one because I completely understand how you feel but as you say, he has every right to change his mind.

Is it the first time he's ever 'not fancied' it?

Maybe it was a fantasy that he's realised would be better staying as a fantasy. Has he given you an explanation?

Yes always been fine before, he's said no to meeting when it hasn't suited but never has he let get there and turn me down to my face. I'm mean how hideous must I have look for him to take one look at me and decide 'nah, not for me' !!!!!

He was muttering something as I left about why but my head couldn't hear anything above getting out of there.

I've not contacted him since, not even sure I want the explanation, I cannot imagine a man on the planet turning down sex

Oh Christ no, how do you come back from that? No way.

Next.

I cannot imagine a man on the planet turning down sex

Whoa. Hang on. You have an odd perception of men right there. A man has every right to change their mind in exactly the same way a woman has. I dare say if the shoe was on the other foot, and he'd turned up at yours having made some additional effort and you'd changed your mind, you'd expect him to accept it.

She did accept it.

Doesn’t mean she needs to stick around for seconds. They’re not married, it’s literally all about sex.

It's the belief I'm questioning, Stoic that men are somehow automatons who wouldn't ever not want sex.

It's difficult. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood. But he should have made that clear before you turned up, not when you arrived. It doesn't sound like he cares too much about your feelings. I know that goes with the territory with a FWB but I think everyone deserves more care and consideration than he showed you by turning you down after all your effort. What he did must have felt quite humiliating.

I'd walk away from it. Stay outwardly friendly and just say it's not really working for you any more. If he pushes it you could always say this was meant to be a FWB situation but you don't feel you're getting much in the way of benefits!

Some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies I guess. It was his fantasy and not yours, so I wouldn't feel bad.

Also because you're not emotionally involved with him, you don't know what's going on in his life and what might have happened. It sounds like it was nothing to do with you but with him.

So don't feel embarrassed

It's the belief I'm questioning, Stoic that men are somehow automatons who wouldn't ever not want sex.

She left. She didn’t rape him. So the OP did accept it.

He didn’t want sex. There will still be a reason for that, and she’s entitled to wonder what that is.

Yes sorry I know I shouldn't generalise about men, and of course he as anybody else can say no at any time without a reason.

I think I'm just stung

I think his timing was off, I was only going for one thing he knew that.

It's not like he was expecting a nice chat/meal etc I surprised him wanting sex which he don't want.

It just feels a bit cruel

It's difficult to tell here, but did uou have to dress up in some way, so did, met him publicly dressed like that, and then he saw you and said no thanks? Is that it?

These things can go wrong occasionally in that you prep and have a build up and he is sprung with it. Don’t be hypersensitive or take it hugely personally. It’s all about communication - talk to him. You can recover and even laugh at this. Perfectly fine to take a risk, get it wrong and recover having learnt something as long as no one is pressured - which you didn’t do.

In a manner of speaking yes, not so much that anybody witnessing would think anything out of the ordinary.

So at least nobody else knows the indignity of it, just him & me.

Some of the fantasy kind of pushed my boundaries (not uncomfortably) but more than I've been previously, but I was definitely intrigued and a willing participant.

Maybe because he knows I would've gone that far and he decided no; possibly in questioning myself

Sorry but if a woman turned down sex, the fwb turned and left then ghosted her, she would be told she had a lucky escape

I kind of get the embarrassment, op. But you have decided his reasons and motives for not wanting it. Anything could ha happened. He could have had an horrendous day, take an awful call or text minutes before you turned up.

I very much doubt he was put off by your appearance.

I admire you for pushing the boundaries and trying. He did nothing wrong, it was just one of those terrible misfires that happen sometimes. I totally understand your chagrin however. I would draw a veil over it, move on and vow to yourself to put on your bravest face if/when your paths cross again. 💐

If a woman turned down sex, the bloke got offended and stropped off and had a sulk about it, you lot would all be going on about what a bastard he is. And you wouldnt get people saying "well he didnt rape her he just left so his behaviour is ok"

I guess when it came down to it he realised it was one of those fantasies that were better off staying just that. Don't take it as any kind of reflection on you, especially as it was his fantasy so even less a judgment or yourself. It sound like more of a misjudgment of his own self

So he didn't tell you until you arrived at his place that he wasn't feeling it. Was he expecting you over at that time?
I'd feel a bit rejected too but , fuck it, find another FWB if you can't get passed it.

Thanks everyone, you lot are the best therapy.

Yes I don't disagree if the table were turned, I accept whole heartedly I've been petty and maybe I need to be the bigger person it's my pride getting in the way. I'll work on that.

I so wish I was one those people who can look so non plussed about anything, but I get the most horrendous rash/redness up my chest & neck when I'm stressed/upset/angry and I just give myself away

Yes he knew what time I was arriving, we had messaged earlier to confirm and he was still all on board even an hour before meeting

I don’t think OP ‘stropped off’ she just left. They’re FWB not partners, if he didn’t want sex there was nothing else to hang around for, that’s all they were meeting up to do. I think it’s fine she left and just as he was allowed to turn down sex, so can she going forward.

She did strop off, she admitted it herself. She left, ignored his messages and decided it's over. If its over, that's fine.

But you have a discussion about. You dont ghost someone. You just tell them it's done.

In fact we dont know why he wasnt feeling it. It may have been something completely unrelated to the fantasy or OP.

Head up OP.
Absolutely nothing to feel

It was probably the fantasy becoming reality that killed the mood, rather than you.

A bit like the time my DH dressed up as a 'sexy' fireman and I couldn't stop laughing as it was soooo un-sexy when faced with the reality of it.