Embarrassed by FWB

[DancingWithAStranger]

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time .

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no .

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity .

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

The issue wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex. OP felt humiliated because he was rudely “dismissive” at the door. He didn’t even invite her in.

Some people are making some bizarre parralels in an attempt to find double standards that aren’t there.

If I gave a sexual partner specifications to indulge a fantasy of mine, including activities before I saw them, and they did them, the very least I would do is be apologetic if when they turned up I had changed my mind.

This is absolutely nothing like being part way through an in-person sexual encounter and deciding you don’t want to continue. Not least because in this instance the balance of power is significantly on his side not hers.

Besides which, if I did tell a man I wished to stop and they quickly got dressed and left because they felt humiliated or whatever, I wouldn’t see that as an alarming negative reaction. The negative reactions we are concerned about are anger, aggression, coercion, or continuing without consent. If a partner was embarrassed and quickly left, I wouldn’t think they were an arsehole, especially if this was a relationship entirely predicated on sex,

I find it hard to believe that any woman who’s experienced a man reacting negatively to being told no would see any parralels to this situation.

Plus his message afterwards was about him 'feeling really bad' which is what people say when they want you to reassure them that whatever they've done isn't so awful. He should have been showing concern for the OP, asking if she got home ok, feels ok and so on. Instead it's all about him.

It could be a control thing and he did it deliberately to humiliate you and to give him a sense of power or it might be a genuine change of heart but he didn't deal with it very kindly did he ...maybe he felt embarrassed and awkward too?
I might give him the benefit of the doubt but I would be on the lookout for subsequent incidents.

Oh god Mumsnet prudes.

People dating send movies all the time

Oh good. Here comes a Cool Girl to tell you why we’re all wrong.

Would you rather he shagged you unwillingly OP?

Heavens no; what kind of a person would ever, ever feel so entitled or want that situation

The whole fantasy was about him wanting me, doing what he had told me he wanted; watching me, DTD and then keeping a memento for use later I presume , if any of that created negative thoughts for him then why the hell would I ? This is not something I suggested or pushed, he asked me what I felt about it beforehand, he described exactly what he wanted, gave me a very exact plan of how to deliver and I went along.

I fully accept he had the right to pull the plug at any stage as did I, my issue is I feel embarrassed about what happened and I asked if IWBU to feel and react the way I did?

I have taken this opportunity to get my thoughts out and be told I am justified in some bits and was wrong in others, I accept that.

Yes I agree he deserves an opportunity to explain, he may not want to he hasn't contacted me since his 'I feel bad' message maybe he feels he dodged a bullet with me, who knows?

I am very thankful for all the posters who have taken their time to respond and have put me in a much better position this morning than I was yesterday

You did absolutely the right thing to walk away. You had a dick appointment and he said "no dick today", what the fuck else were you supposed to do?
he deserves an opportunity to explain No, he absolutely doesn't. You absolutely don't owe him another chance to waste your time.
He got the first video, wanked himself silly over it and unashamedly fucked you off because he couldn't manage any more dick action and he was satisfied enough. He's a prick. Don't contact him again, at all. Completely block. If and when you meet doing something day to day, just treat him with normal but distant politeness and nothing more.

Fuck buddies might be 10 a penny but I don't think compatible fuck buddies are quite that abundant?
Lots of men may be up for casual sex but that doesn't mean to say that it would be worthwhile for the woman.

I think what actually happened is he used you for his own sexual gratification but failed to deliver any for you, how would he feel if the tables were turned, if you make sure you got what you wanted but he got nothing?

All the MRA types on this thread falling over themselves to harangue the OP are presumably as shit in bed as the man in question.

Just because he could no longer get it up, why should he not give OP pleasure? There are other ways.

That is the problem with transactional sex, you do not owe the other side an explanation because you are not in the mood.

I do think that, if the OP travelled and had the door shut in her face, that was pretty damned rude, but her OP (and follow ups) don’t make what happened clear. If he said nothing feeling it but gone in for coffee and chat’ and she turned on her heels and walked away, that would not be his fault.

Minty, substitute ‘feminist’ for MRA and see what your last comment looks like.

‘Not feeling it but come in for coffee and chat’

This is why a “ Plan B” is helpful 👍🏻😊

A feminist would not harangue a woman for feeling upset when a man has humiliated her, or claim she is as bad as a male rapist for feeling let down in this particular set of circumstances.

Nice try though, sunshine.

What Minty said.

You are totally failing to see my point:

Woman agrees to meet man to fulfill long term fantasy but changes her mind at the last minute.

Men pile on to say she is cold and frigid and should be binned.

Feminist defends woman’s right to change her mind.

Sexist man piles in to say that if she is of that opinion, she must be frigid too.

Join the dots....

No one thinks he was wrong to change his mind, only that the way he did it was wrong.

If my FWB was going to fulfil my fantasy, had already fulfilled one part before he turned up and I then changed my mind I would invite him in and explain the situation and what had changed in the last hour and delete the video in front of him. I’d thank him for his effort, the video and everything and depending on if we were FWB or FB and my reason for changing his mind I’d see if he wanted to stay for takeaway and Netflix, offer to drive him home or tell him I’d be in touch with him soon. I wouldn’t do it on the doorstep or keep the video.

Larry I've joined your dots and I'm left with a picture that looks like my toddler drew it.
You're making things up in your head to try and come up with a double standard that doesn't exist.
This thread is about a woman who was left feeling humiliated and embarrassed by how a situation was handled, not furious and entitled to sex.

Sagrada,

My comment was in reply to Minty’s post discussing how men were ‘shot in bed’ due to their opinions and the OP’s Fuck buddy was likewise, based on his behaviour.

I would enter your toddlers into an art competition as soon as possible.

And I was replying to yours.

My toddler won't be winning any prizes for his scribbling, bless him.

I've joined your dots and I'm left with a picture that looks like my toddler drew it.

I actually LOLed.

Minty,

No, you actually didn’t! Basic sarcasm is not really laugh out loud stuff.

Basic sarcasm is not really laugh out loud stuff

I find people trying to be twats very amusing though because they so often miss the mark so embarrassingly.

How about you?

You did nothing wrong OP: he was cruel, possibly deliberately, possibly just through self-absorption. Either way don’t contact him, he’s behaved badly and you’d do better to protect yourself and move on.