Embarrassed by FWB

[DancingWithAStranger]

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time .

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no .

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity .

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

First paragraph should read.......

@DancingWithAStranger Just contact him and ask if he's OK, and ask if you DID anything wrong. CAN you not do this?

Sorry don't want to be one of those cryptic posters who won't state the hobby

The fantasy is so specific it would definitely be outing, it's not something I've come across before.

It involved the clothing I was wearing and I'd say definitely in the realms of fetish.

In short it was filthy , one day I may be glad it didn't work out it needed a lot of trust (by my opinion anyway). It filled me with absolute fear, in a good way if it had gone right, it didn't so I think my fear just over spilled

Don't ask him if you did anything wrong or even if he's ok.

Your reaction is justified, OP. Ignore the posters who are deliberately not understanding.

I twas FILTHY!!!

Don't dangle a carrot like that. I am DYING to know what it was now!

Oh god lots of posters understand perfectly. They just disagree.

No Kirkman, they are misunderstanding alright, whether deliberate or not. If they actually read the OP's posts they would find some compassion for how vulnerable and embarrassed she was left feeling instead of dismissing her as thinking she's entitled to sex or outraged that she didn't get any.

Just contact him and ask if he's OK, and ask if you DID anything wrong. CAN you not do this?

Why would the OP have to have done something wrong? That puts the onus of his reaction on her.

OP

I'd feel really bruised by that too.

Of course anyone and everyone is completely within their rights to call a halt to sex at anytime, but this wasn't that.

This was a pre-scheduled fantasy / role-play situation that needed planning and prep on your part, that you willingly got on board with, with his full encouragement.

After you'd put yourself out there (at his request) he pretty much didn't let you in when you got to the front door.

No bloody wonder you're angry, upset and embarrassed. What a horrible thing to do.

Sorry shinycat tried to PM you, fear I would be ousted if I posted it in relationships board

Just contact him and ask if he's OK, and ask if you DID anything wrong. CAN you not do this

Please please don't do this. Maintain your dignity.

Ps I'm also dying to know what it was.🤣

they are misunderstanding alright, whether deliberate or not. If they actually read the OP's posts they would find some compassion for how vulnerable and embarrassed she was left feeling instead of dismissing her as thinking she's entitled to sex or outraged that she didn't get any

No they just disagree. How arrogant do you have to be, to believe you know what others are thinking and why, more than them.

Personally, I am in the middle. I get why ops feels like she does. But facts are, she doesnt knows what's happened because she ran off and is now ignoring him and decided its over, without telling him. He could be a twat. Or it could be something quite serious or understandable.

I dont think how she is handling it is great. But get why she felt mortified.

I understand perfectly. I just dont agree with you.

He’s testing your limits. Bin him off, or he’ll end up trying to convince you that choking is perfectly acceptable. I’m not being overdramatic, this kind of boundary pushing is really dangerous.

I agree with sagrada totally. And those pretending something major happened in the hour before she got there, after she'd made so much effort and he was only pretending by saying he wasn't "feeling it" and "maybe another time", and supposedly covering something else up, are either being obtuse or cruel to the op.

The fact it's sex is irrelevant. You ask someone to go to something with you, ask them to make an effort, text them an hour before hand confirming and then when that person gets there you say, sorry mate, not feeling it, maybe another time,,then yes the person has the right to be annoyed and yes it's shitty.

Some people really need to raise the bar in their relationships.

Aw, OP, I feel for you! It sounds both literally and metaphorically exposing for you and something that was already in the realms of vulnerability before your bloke added to it with his reaction. There is something way more vulnerable about wearing very sexualised/fetish clothing than just being naked. And it was not your fantasy, which left you feeling a need to get it ‘right’ for him. I’m not too clear if you agreed beforehand that you’d do the deed on that occasion. If you had surprised him, his reaction might just be shock - particularly if this was really ranging out for you. He’d not seen you in this way before and it seems the reality was just a lot for him to take in. If you like him and otherwise feel safe with him, hopefully you can talk about it. Easy to be left feeling humiliated when it’s actually not your emotion, but his. In my experience, exploring kink is happiest if you talk about it in detail first and plan carefully, including your boundaries.

Oh come on op surely it will only be outing if he reads this and hes not likely to surely? Please tell us, I'm racking my brain here and so confused

I have no idea what exactly disagreeing with me about Kirkman but I'm not interested enough to find out.

The fact it's sex is irrelevant. You ask someone to go to something with you, ask them to make an effort, text them an hour before hand confirming and then when that person gets there you say, sorry mate, not feeling it, maybe another time,,then yes the person has the right to be annoyed and yes it's shitty.

The fact that it is sex is NOT irrelevant. If roles were reversed here I highly doubt you'd be saying that.

Imagine setting up something with your partner/spouse for an unusual sexual encounter, confirming it on the day but the as it is about to happen realising you aren't comfortable with it. Is it right you should just go ahead anyway? Would you be happy if your partner just ghosted you because of it.

We have a huge number of threads on here where women are reminded about consent and how having sex when you don't want it is not okay. Same rules apply for men.

I can see why you were mortified. It's always embarrassing to be knocked back, especially when you were getting encouraging messages (not to mention specific instructions!!!) only hours before.

Of course anyone can say no, for any reason, but to the PPs saying something might have happened in the hour before - if I knew my friend with benefits was coming over, dressed up, and something significant happened to make me not in the mood, then I'd bloody well text them with a heads up explaining myself. That's just polite.

For poor OP the way he handled it made it seem like he took one look at her and changed his mind. Which is hurtful and embarrassing. He handled it really badly.

If he hadn't had time to fire of warning text he could have at least invited her in and made a cup of tea and then explained something happened. "Hi OP, come in, so lovely to see you. You look AMAZING, but look I've just had some bad news / the shits / a tiny panic. That would have been FINE.

But opening the front door and just announcing he'd changed his mind was unnecessarily mean. He asked her to come, at that time, dressed like that. It's not like it was sprung on him!!! A little courtesy could have gone a LONG way.

(P.S. OP am also DYING to know)

I’m a bit on the fence. Yes he reacted tactlessly but you flew out of there without asking or hearing what he was saying and you’ve deleted his messages since. So it’s possible things could have been smoothed out. It may have been a step beyond his comfort zone too. But I guess you/we will never know now. You’ve both gone cold and not addressed it, so it’s over now.

But you did nothing to be ashamed of and it certainly won’t be down to how you looked.

Um? Perhaps the lingerie had an appendage and the FWB looked and thought ‘actually...gulp’. That’s what I’m thinking!

Honestly op, I have a very specific fantasy, which I would feel uncomfortable talking to my husband about and if he suggested we do it, I’d be excited initially, but very quickly feel somewhat disgusted by it. As a previous poster said, some fantasies should just stay a fantasy. Perhaps that’s all this is and it’s not really about you. Just your friend deciding it’s a fantasy better kept in his head.

All the best.

Yes of course he was entitled to change his mind at the last minute, but how you handle that when the other person has gone to great lengths (practically and emotionally) to do something specifically for you is key.

If I had a partner who was pushing their boundaries to indulge my fantasy, I would at the very least respect that it may be uncomfortable for them and not react in a way that may make them feel humiliated, or like they’d somehow done it wrong.

I suspect OP had to do something with whatever she was wearing before she got there.

I could be wrong, of course.

A similar thing happened to me with a FWB. I did not meet or contact him again.

OP, it sounds as though you were already pushing yourself too far with this fantasy of his.

You were confused, humiliated, and fearful before he even opened the door to you.

It sounds like you were physiologically wound up to react in a fight/flight (defensive) way towards him from the off. You said it required a lot of trust. Your head was all over the place. You were frightened. Like you said, your fear overspilled.

You sound genuinely traumatised by the experience.

one day I may be glad it didn't work out

I think you already are, if you're honest with yourself?

Well done for walking away. You were protecting yourself.

Sorry OP but who do you think you are?

Why is everything centred around you?

He turned down sex, you have no idea what happened.

And yes, people may no longer fancy you.