Embarrassed by FWB

[DancingWithAStranger]

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time .

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no .

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity .

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

Absolutely, but I thought it was FRIENDS with benefits, slightly different to a fuck buddy

I’d think the FRIENDS part would cover a proper explanation though?

“I’m really sorry, I can see you’ve gone to a lot of effort but X, Y, Z”.

I’ve had a FWB for near on 6 years now. We’re open with each other but I wouldn’t be interested in sticking around if there was no sex and I imagine neither would he!

Turning sex down once doesnt mean theres no 'benefits'. If he was constantly turning her down fair enough. If theres mo sex ita just friends

But being a fwb, doesnt oblige you to have sex when you dont want it

But being a fwb, doesnt oblige you to have sex when you dont want it

Indeed. Hence why I dealt with just that.

Do you think he possibly became a little over excited by you carrying out the fantasy that he possibly either knocked one out before you got there as he couldn't wait and knew it wouldn't rise to the occasion again and got embarrassed and turned you down.

Sagradafamiliar has articulated a point I was struggling to. You indulged his fantasy, and maybe made yourself a little vulnerable ? Fair enough for you to feel this way. He could have handled it a lot better, unless he gets off on the mind games. At best it was entirely dismissive of your feelings.

At best it was entirely dismissive of your feelings.

He was talking and trying to explain as she walked away but she didn't stay long enough to hear what he said.
I'd be a bit disgruntled if I couldn't even explain my position.

OP, completely his problem.
Some of the replies on here are beyond obtuse.
Of course it is completely understandable to feel really vulnerable and upset in the moment.

However, you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about.

Your arrangement is your business, completely healthy, between two consenting adults.

Whatever you decide is just fine. Suit yourself.

But absolutely do not feel ashamed.

Wishing you well. 💐

Yes some posters here are reacting you as if we should all be robots You felt brushed off and humiliated. He had invited you over then rejected you on his doorstep.

Anyone suggesting you should just be cool with that is a handmaiden.

The whole dynamic is very uncomfortable and I would walk away.

Some people are spectacularly missing the point, I suspect deliberately. Whatever floats their boat.

Op, i get this, no one wants to get dressed up for sex, to meet a specific fantasy, to go out of their comfort zone for someone's fantasy, and they take one look at you and say no thanks. That's so much more than being knocked back for sex. So much more.

Honestly don't go near this man again. Because there are ways to say no and there are ways to say no. He humiliated you. He got you to do something for him then he humiliated you by saying, no, I don't think so.

Steer clear. Your self esteem won't survive this man. Honestly you can find other men if that's what you wish.

I think his timing was off, I was only going for one thing he knew that.

A knock back can be embarrassing. Did he put it in an ok way when he said he didn't feel upto it? Or give a reason? (Not that people necessarily need to have a reason.)

In any relationship, it's possible for someone to realize they don't feel in the mood when they're about to start a sexual activity. Maybe he wanted to see you as a friend for a bit, or he wants more. Or he just wasn't horny/feeling up to a new activity at that time. I know that seems wrong- you can expect sex but on the other hand you can't if you see what I mean? He can't help not feeling like the activity at that time.

I know it's easy to say, but try not to take it personally. It's probably not personal. I can be really attracted to someone and not feel like sex/a particular thing at that particular moment for one reason or another.

How would you feel if he got in a strop one time because you realized you didn't feel in the mood? You can't take back what you did- what matters is what you do now.

Have you forgot the friends part of the relationship? Or is it more of a hook up thing really and not friends? I would be slightly hurt if a genuine FWB said 'I was only going for one thing (s)he knew that.' Or is it just a guy you solely have a sexual thing with?

I think he's disrespected you as a friend. Not because he turned you down but because after you turned to leave he didn't come after you with an explanation.

In a set up like that muttering an apology under his breath isn't enough. The whole situation depends on a mutual respect and he's let you down on that front.

I had a FWB. He said 'the friendship will always come first/be the most important thing.' Turns out he was probably lying his arse off, but there you go- I think it's a good sentiment. A true friendship will probably outlast the sex.

Of course if it's just a regular hookup rather than a real friend, it's different. Even in those situations, a friendship can grow/develop and then people can feel less like they're meeting solely for sex every time.

Oh. Cmon, they sere meeting for sex. He had her dress up, he was texting her an hour before hand encouraging her and she gets there and he says sorry not feeling it, maybe another time?

Whose self esteem isn't going to be killed by that? There are ways to say no, and this wasn't it.

Op your reaction was normal. Stay away from him.

Totally with @Bluntness100 on this.

He could have come down with the shits, I’d not fancy sex if I had a upset stomach!

No one can say he did it maliciously.

OP didnt even hear him out. He tried to explain but she left.

All manner of completely understandable things could have happened between speaking to her an hour before and her arriving.

Also agree fully with @Bluntness100. I'm so sorry you're in this position, OP. I'd feel bloody awful if I'd gone to the effort of indulging his fantasy, only to be knocked back in person.

If he had had a row, or had a headache, or didn't feel up to it, then he could have contacted you before you arrived, apologised and rescheduled. Not done a 180 when you turned up.

Unless I got a profound apology and reasonable explanation, I'd be cutting contact and finding another FWB.

The entire point of a FWB is sex. So to turn someone down, when you've made arrangements and specifically asked them to accommodate your fantasy, is a bit shitty in my view.

So the specifics were not dissimilar to a previous poster re lingerie & fur coat, not something I would be comfortable staying in all day if you like.

The clothing came with specific pre instructions too, that were all completed as requested... this is sounding so sordid now .

I think it's that really that he could have pulled the plug so much earlier and saved me the indignity but he didn't.

So bear in mind as I approached his place, heart racing I'm already all over the place. The conversation was something along the lines sorry dancer not really feeling it something else which is a bit of a blur because my heads spinning now and I know I'm getting more flustered and it's showing. I know what he's saying wasn't come in we'll do something else, chat etc. It was dismissive.

My response was 'ok, whatever' spun on heel and hotfooted out of there.

His message came through shortly after something along the lines of he feels bad, I deleted it so can't reflect on his words in the cold light of day

I probably am over reacting, it's been 4 days and the first time I've spoken about it. Maybe I should offer an opportunity to speak about it with him with me not feeling out of my depth and defensive.

No previous problems with him always been truthful and respectful, so I do owe him a chance to explain if he wants to.

Wow I’m a bit shocked here. Anyone at any time whatever has been pre agreed has the right to say no to sex or any sexual activity without explanation. Even if his dick was a mm away from your fanny at the time. Maybe he should have messaged before you
Arrived and maybe you are hurt but he can say no

At the risk of stating the obvious the only way you'll get to the bottom of it is by talking to him. Everything else thats being said is speculation.

but he can say no

Absolutely nobody has said any different!

Why are you shocked jane, not one person has said he doesn't have the right to say no. You write like everyone is at it, are you maybe on a different thread?

Agree with Bluntness. He has the right to say no to sex but he didn't handle this at all well and I totally see why OP feels rejected and upset.

No not on a different thread he just had the right to say no without question or judgment

@DancingWithAStranger Just contact him and ask if he's OK, and ask if you didn't anything wrong. an you not do this?

If this is the first time he has done this, it's not worth throwing the relationship in the bin. He may have had a genuine reason for how he behaved.

(What was this 'fantasy' by the way? Or don't you want to say? Sorry I am just nosey!)