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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed by FWB

206 replies

DancingWithAStranger · 08/02/2020 10:41

NC for this as don't want linking to my other threads.

I've had a FWB set up with a man over the last 2 years. Fairly infrequent/irregular at times but it suited us both.

Both very much on the same page, strictly for fun, we chat about everyday life etc but no emotional attachment. I do like him, I'm not in love with him.

Recently we've started to expand our repertoire, talking about fantasies etc. Decided to go with one of his fantasies recently.

It was quite in-depth, specific and needed a bit of preparation on my behalf. But I was interested and keen to go ahead.

So preparation done; on the day he decided he's not feeling it blah blah blah maybe another time Confused.

I was so embarrassed, I was meeting him for no strings sex and he turned me down when I got there Blush

I know it's over, my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit. But am I being unfair? I know he has the right to change his mind but I was actually there when he decided no Blush.

I was petty turned heel and walked as fast as my legs could carry me and didn't respond to his following message that "he feels really bad..." oh god the shame of his pity Sad.

Not sure what I want maybe just to get it off my chest really, can't talk IRL about this as my friends don't know I have/had this set up as I feel a bit judged.

Would love to block him and never cast eyes on him again, but we cross paths regularly and I need to style this out, somehow.

OP posts:
DBML · 08/02/2020 20:43

Oh op! You’ve nothing to worry about.
If you sent him the first video, he may well have been too embarrassed to tell you that he’d already expensed himself for the evening (cough) and wouldn’t be able to get it up again.

Don’t let this bother you. God, it’s nowhere near as bad as I thought lol and nowhere near as outing as you imagine 😉

fiftygradesofhay · 08/02/2020 20:43

I have only read the latest update and a few comments but OP I assume you didn't leave the video you made there?

Putting my psychic hat on, I'd say that if he is a nice guy generally, he was in the moment embarrassed by his own fantasy and didn't want to go ahead for that reason alone. If he isn't a nice guy it might have been to do with humiliating you. Either way, don't feel embarrassed. Put it out of your head and pretend it never happened and when you see him pretend it never happened.

If you left the video there go and get it!! With someone with you! I personally would leave fantasies for doing with people you are in a relationship with and who you trust in future? Maybe I am a fuddy duddy.

Thought you might chuckle at my user name in the circs...

NothingWrong · 08/02/2020 20:47

I'm sure it's not a physical video like in ye olden times? I presume you sent him a video of you via tinternet (phone/whatsapp) which is why he was still game an hour before you met? He has it now I'm presuming?

NothingWrong · 08/02/2020 20:49

I'd text him and tell him that the video is a private video and you expect him not to show it to anyone else and to delete it (would you believe him though?)

DBML · 08/02/2020 20:50

Also op, remember you don’t know how he was feeling that day. He might have had a bad belly all afternoon and how does he tell you that the timing is all wrong. He’s possibly as mortified as you are. I remember once planning a sexy evening...grandparents babysitting, out for a meal, gorgeous hotel...knew right as we got back to the room that I was going to have the runs. Sent dh away, too embarrassed to say what was wrong.

YasssKween · 08/02/2020 20:55

@fiftygradesofhay

If you left the video there go and get it!! With someone with you!

I know you're being lovely but this won't be a physical video, he'll have it on his phone! OP definitely either ask to meet up and then request he deletes it in front of you, or message him and ask him to do so and if he's decent he will.

This of course is not foolproof either way because as we know nowadays, whatever you send to someone is then in their possession, can be on their iCloud / copied to another place / sent on.

Please be careful OP and never show your face or identifying elements in anything even if you trust the other person. Because what if they have their phone stolen, iCloud hacked etc?

Never do anything with a FWB if you don't feel 100% with them as a person and the thing you're doing. Ever.

fiftygradesofhay · 08/02/2020 20:55

I thought she said "leave the videos with him"? And sending anything would be risky? OP, tell us!

category12 · 08/02/2020 20:56

Oh OP, I was expecting something much worse. But clearly it pushed your boundaries and made you feel vulnerable, and then his rejection was really hurtful.

In your place, I wouldn't contact him again, tbh.

ElloBrian · 08/02/2020 21:45

Waiting for all the cool girls to show up and explain to us why being suckered into making a wank video and then being rejected at the door is in some way empowering.

Flowers OP. I’m really sorry this happened to you. Please consider starting a new thread about this. Also, you can ask for this thread to be deleted if you like. I wish you well. You’ll get beyond this. But let yourself be angry. You’ve every right to be.

Runbikeswim · 08/02/2020 21:58

I think that fantasy stuff is ok as long as both people are into it. Fantasy isn't that PC but that can be part of the fun. It shouldn't be humiliating or done with someone you don't trust though in my view. Then if it turns out someone isn't into it you can have a laugh about it together

Original poster
DancingWithAStranger · 08/02/2020 22:11

Yes he has the first film, Blush second was never made.

We have shared intimate pics before, I don't feel overly worried about the film if I'm honest.

But I would like to think maybe the first film was where it all ended for him, god I that would be a more dignified conclusion.

Thanks for all your support you have no idea what it's meant today not to be judged but understood and given advice from a level perspective. So in a very inMN way I love you bunch Grin

OP posts:
IAmBeatrixKiddo · 08/02/2020 22:12

He should have offered to delete the video in front of you when he changed his mind. Or at least text to say he was deleting it!

Craftycorvid · 08/02/2020 22:41

Well, if he hasn’t yet noticed and acknowledged that women also wank, he has some catching up to do! 😧

billy1966 · 08/02/2020 23:14

OP, Jesus....

You need to focus on you.
Just you.
It was a leap of faith but you have nothing to feel untoward about.

I don't think he is trustworthy.
I also hope nothing is identifiable in it.

Be direct and focused with him if it is. Be non-negotiable with him on this.

OP, wishing you the absolute best 💐💐💐

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/02/2020 23:28

Oh wow OP, do NOT film yourself or send pics EVER- this is what we repeat time and time again to our kids and bang on about internet safety and yet people still do it!

Move on OP, head up high and move on.Flowers

Sparkle567 · 08/02/2020 23:31

I think he was a bit of a dick if I’m honest.

He let you do all that, send him the first film, go all the way over there and then basically say no?! Dickhead!

He could of easily text you on the way to say sorry x or y has come up.

I wouldn’t talk to him either op but I’m a stubborn cow!

Sparkle567 · 08/02/2020 23:31

I’d defo be waiting for him to text again! Before asking what the F he was playing at.

Teensandfuture · 09/02/2020 00:11

OP

I don't think all men should always be up to sex , and I don't think him not being up for it, even if he was an hr prior, should take it as personally as you did.

All your reactions and the actual fact you felt the need to start a thread about it shows you are way more attached, than maybe you want to admit to yourself.

Loveablers · 09/02/2020 00:38

Oh wow I cannot believe the sexist hypocrisy on this thread! Actually I can believe it, it’s Mumsnet after all

We are constantly told that a woman has the right to change her mind about sex anytime she wants, even after penetration has begun, and rightly so!

Yet this man is being slated, called every name under the sun, even being blamed, just for changing his mind about sex before they’ve even started!

So are you all saying that whenever a man puts in lots of effort and buys a meal, leaves roses on the bed and cooks everything from scratch, the woman is a manipulative bitch for changing her mind at the last minute? Nope thought not...

EVERYONE has the right to change their mind about sex regardless of the effort the other person has put in.

Would you rather he shagged you unwillingly OP?

NothingWrong · 09/02/2020 02:09

This wasn't about meals, steak, wine, roses or chocolates.
This was wank fodder.

He wanked himself dry.
Then he wasn't capable of the real thing.
The OP obviously was turned on by the whole thing and ready. But he had squirted too many times into a sock. Because he's not fucking normal.

NothingWrong · 09/02/2020 02:10

Honestly - I've seen this so many times with men who have been single a long time. They're addicted to porn! They can't get it up with a real woman! It's a real thing.

NothingWrong · 09/02/2020 02:13

He was only ever a fuck buddy anyway, and they're 10 a penny. He's no loss!

nameymcnamechangeagain · 09/02/2020 03:26

To the posters banging on about he’s allowed to turn down sex etc - yes he is, BUT, what he did to the op was nothing short of humiliating, there is no excuse for not calling to off earlier, or was just really nasty imo. I feel for you and probably wouldn’t give a shit what he had to say either I’m afraid!!

Loveablers · 09/02/2020 04:57

How do we know he purposely humiliated her?! You’re pulling at straws because it’s a man

Would we say that all the women who get a guy ready for sex, give him a blowjob only to change her mind at the last minute once he’s put the condom are are massive cock teases?! No we wouldn’t, we would say she’s a woman exercising her right to say no at any given moment. This is no different.

So what if this guy watches a lot of porn? OP was more than happy to go along with the fantasy! Doesn’t mean he must have sex with her if he changes his mind.

If he doesn’t wanna have sex with her then he doesn’t have to. No porn or lots of porn - doesn’t matter. Get off your high horses and quit having double standards. A man is allowed to change his mind just as much as a woman, it doesn’t mean he’s a manipulative porn addict just because he’s said no!

Loveablers · 09/02/2020 04:57

@NothingWrong

Honestly - I've seen this so many times with men who have been single a long time. They're addicted to porn! They can't get it up with a real woman! It's a real thing

What are you on about? I’m pretty sure he got it up lots of times for the OP 😂

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